I cant help but smile..

When i look at this...

Although, who can blame me.

For a small child, going through some huge life challenges at a sweet 7 months.

He has not a care in the world. He inspires me.

*LOVE*

x

My thoughts..

My thoughts and heart are with the possible lost miners and there aching families.

Im praying with every i have, that there is still an inch of hope.

x

I wonder if ...

Photos like this will be highlights of her teen years.


If she will looks back when shes sewing her own clothes and toys and think, So,That's how it started.

..

Will she sew? Will she know how to thread a needle? Her whole childhood has very much so been around a sewing machine or needle and thread.

I wonder if she will sew.

It must be a girl thing...

I asked my friends on facestalk weather i should be re-evaluating my parenting skills..

What else can i do but laugh? If i don't laugh.. ill cry.

Master 5 was a gem, Ask anyone. We never child proofed anything! My house was mine, and he lived in it. He respected it.

But, Today i have realised there is no such this as child proofing my house for Miss 2. She will find away to trash, grab, throw and destroy everything in sight.

Miss 2 is very very full on. There isn't a moment where she is just still and resting.

But, when things are quiet, you know to prepair your self.

This mornings mishap...
*sigh*

Minty fresh!

(Oh, I should probably note.. The above, is chocolate moose..

Setting in the fridge for desert..)


My Sunday best..

Not happy about the fact her brother called her a 'Tiny little lier'

She attempted to blame the above on her brother...

"Jett did it!!"

While Master 26 and i were chowing down on pork crackling.. little did we know she was Re-bathing.

Anti-wrinkle cream *Sigh*

Sudocream...Again




Ive tried so so hard to child proof my home. To surround her with lush toys, exciting books and 24/7 attention.. but i sit down to eat my crackers and cheese and WOLA this is what i get.

I wish i could hire someone to 1. come and seriously child proof my home and 2. teach me how to keep it that way.

I guess the upside is, its sudocream and powder..not knives and sissors.

Have to look at the positive, Right?

I AM A MINIMALIST! (So i tell myself)

Im actually the opposite.. Very much so. And i blame it on my NAN! Nan is a pom, and refuses to part with used tissues. Well, they may very well come in hand later that day..

So, My life mission, At 26 years old, living out of home for 9 years.. Is to break the habit i formed, say 24 years ago. Im not longer going to be a hoarder! (Yes, ive tryed this once before.. But this time i for real!)

My mum and i spent today cleaning out the house and garage sorting and throwing things out and putting sell able things away for our 'Driveway Sale' this weekend.

My trouble is i love a good bargain. Weather it be at a garage sale, Life line, 2nd hand shop or ebay.. Its on sale, Ill have it! Another habit i need to break. But hey, one thing at a time.

So, As motivation.. As SHAMEFULL as it is.. and the fact that this could possibly cause Shane to call off our wedding due to the embarrassment factor, i am going to post a photo of what WAS our garage.. Today, it no longer looks like this. Although its not photo worthy just yet as we have the garage sale stock in there.

Please, Harsh comment are only going to cause me to go to Kmart tonight to attend retail therapy. So be nice.. Motivate me!

x N

I really should blog more!

Wow! Reading over my past blogs is an eye opener. As the days go on, you seem to slowly forget the dramas that arise on your life journey. Looking back, It was and in some light, still is crazy town. Today is November 1st 2010. Im going to blog every day this month. Ive got a plan.. Im going to challenge Mr and myself to buy NOTHING other then our essentials. For 30 days. Starting right this second. If we need clothes, Ill make them. If we want food, we eat whats in the fridge, freezer and pantry. This means NO take away. NO shopping and NO impulse buying.

Will be hard.. But we can do it!

x N

Theres moments like these...

That i just adore...

Chatting with a 4 month old about life.

x N

Road kill...

Is the name we fondly call Miss Dior's most prized posession.

Her 'Baybee' .. And if we dare call it her 'Doll' boy do we cop it!

"Baybee" was a gift from Nan And Pop for her first birthday. Its suppose to look like a lamb..

No matter how many times we wash her, within hours its back to looking like this --->

"Road Kill"

Tonight was gave her a huge makeover. Bleach, Eucalyptus oil, nappy san and laundry powder. Then a run through the washing machine. Its sad to say.. But 'Baybee' needs a new outfit..

If anyone knows of someone who makes outfits for a Fisher Price 'Mommy Doll' i would love to hear from you. Im looking for an all in one suit as ive got plenty of hand made little outfits for her.

She just looks rather naked at the moment!



x N

Mission set!

With no pattern , just by looking at a pair of old pants i managed to make a pant and T set for Baby Phoenix! Now that I've made those i cant stop!

We get the keys to our new house tomorrow and all my sewing gear will be shifted to the new place, but we don't actually stay there until Friday, so i had to get that sewing itch out before i lose all my goodies.

He's sporting them today to his uncles birthday, Without telling any one i made them I'm interested in there response.

So, My mission is to start making alot of the kids clothes. I've BANNED myself from buying any new items for 30 days. I'm excited about all the new designs they will have through there cupboards..

Will keep you updated! x

No Facestalk = Getting to know her

Since not using my facebook for anything more then to network Buttons Dior, Ive LOVED spending more time on myself and my family. Today, with my Lovely dressed in her Princess Ratbag petiskirt and my Buttons Dior we played outside and got to know each other.



Here's a sneak peek.. .

Each day im going to blog a photo that makes me smile, A memory i dont want to forget. x

Who i am.

Last night i cracked. It was major meltdown in my crazy world. Ive realised a few things. I have way to much going on. I don't get enough out. I need to vent more.



A few things about, Who i am.



I'm 26.

I'm a mum of 3. At the moment they are 12 weeks, 19 months and 5 years. Boy , Girl, Boy.

I wear black.

My hair is black.

My bag is black.

I feel like black makes me blend in with the crowd, but when i look around, I'm usually the only one in black.

Ive had a rough journey, But i appreciate the lessons Ive learnt. All tho i hold grudges.

My face does not suit a fringe. Even tho my whole childhood , i had a fringe.

I could ramble 10 things in 5 second of scrambled thoughts going through my head.

I clench my teeth in my sleep. To the point i cracked my tooth.

I have beliefs.

I'm easily inspired, but find it hard to inspire.

I'm gullible, but far from stupid.

I always trust my instincts. My dads advice.

i had my first child at 21. Was a single mum 6 weeks later and can not recall a time where i regretted it.

My mind ticks constantly. Google gets a run for its money.

I google alot.

I have a habit of never finishing projects.

I write lists. But i never get through it.

I love taking photos of moments that matter.

I don't want to forget the small things.

I hate my nails. My middle finger nail is bent from where my pen sits.

I learnt that Black is a shade, not a colour. Yesterday. From my 5 year old.

I know I'm a good mum, My kids are still alive. I'm just not sure if i know how to parent.

I'm a hoarder. That's a main issue.

My thoughts are organised. But i cant seem to organise my life.

I find one out fit that looks perfect. And wear it to death.

I want long straight black hair. But as soon as i hits my shoulders i cut it all off again.

I blog because it releases negative energy.

Ive had to distance myself from people who need me to much.

I need myself right now.

My children need me. My Partner needs me.

I'm so sleep deprived and sware every morning ill go back to bed for the 9am children's sleep. But never do. I should be in bed right now.

I thank people who have hurt me for teaching my life experiences, but i will never forget the pain i felt.

My chest breaks out in a heat rash when I'm stressed and run down.

I suffer major panic attacks and for some reason people don't see that as a problem. When i cant breathe. Thats a problem.

I like to lock myself away when things get full on, to regain my thoughts. I'm not running away.

Im to creative for my own good, and bank balance.

I wish my children didnt have so many unnessesary toys.

I want to teach them more.

I want to read to them.

I wish my mind wasnt in such a hurry.

My room is covered in so many clothes we can bearly walk in the door. Yet we seem to only wear one or two out fits.

My son is sick. And we still don't know why. To others, he seems fine. But his blood tests show otherwise. The doctors don't have answers, so they just test and test.

People can drink, smoke and use there whole pregnancy and birth healthy happy baby's. I stress over injecting my body with a panadol, and my children are born sick. That baffles me.

They say god only gives you what you can handle.. I think he mixed my name up with someone elses.

Facebook is the biggest waste of time ever invented. Its stolen so much time away from my family that I'm glad I'm away from it.

I need to spend more time and energy selling my creations in public places and not so much behind a computer screen.

I want to teach my daughter to sort buttons.

In my new house i want space.

Every nook and cranny of my home has some form of mess.

I'm going to line my walls with inspirational quotes and lyric that makes me smile.

I want to meet other parents.

I give alot and expect a little. Sometimes that bites me in the butt.

I want to go to play group.

I wish i didn't fear leaving the house with more then one child.

I wish my opinion mattered.

I have to apologise to my Mumma for stressing her out, Last night she thought i was dying. Sorry Bear.

I get defencive when i think people are trying to put me down.

I snap easy.

I remember alot.

Tattoo's to me are pieces of art work i can carry around all the time. I'm quite prepared to grow old and wrinkly with them.

Photos are my memories.

Ive accepted I'm not as strong as i make out to be. My insides proved that last night.

Fulfillment in life is making others happy. Smile. Knowing that there are good people in the world. But making people happy doesn't fix my life.

I need to fix my life. That is my project.

x

Would.Trade.Child.

For this!!


http://networkedblogs.com/5867U


.Heart.

♥

Di.

I am flying

I am flying

like a bird across the sky

I am flying

passing high clouds

to be with you

to be free

♥

My beautiful sweet hearted soul.

Im thinking of you every day.

My heart hurts to see how much you miss your dad. I know were miles away from each other, but if your ever feeling lost and sad, know im thinking of you.. Im sitting somewhere random, probably sewing or changing one of 2 pooey butts.. Wondering if your ok.

Weve seen each other good and rough times, stuck by and supported each other.

Only time will heal. Do not rush it. Grieve and remember him.

We love you.

xx

Phoenix

Who would have thought,
We’d be taking this path, walking together,Living this nightmare of our own.
Who would have known, you were that star, that sent us the strength, to yell we’ll get past this fight.
I thought it was you, the gift yet the trial, we have you now, you landed right where you belong.
We’ll keep you safe don’t be scared, it’s here where you will stay.
I knew someday that I would love, I didn’t know it would be so strong, But your worth it all.
Don’t stop, just keep running to the place that your soul fits, small but needed, your worth it.
Don’t doubt that.

I know at times it hurts; your heart is torn, the questions running through your mind.
Before you landed there were testing times, nothing prepares you for what lay ahead.
Rest assured that’s why your here,
right here and now, were here with you,
and were not leaving,
You keep running
Ill take you hand and guide you.
I understand you.

It’s taking time, but with us, so close, never far, you need not worry, were in your reach.
Here’s our gift, the gift of trust, we offer this to you no cost,
Rest those wicked thoughts.
Your worried mind that ticks and takes its toll on your tiny sole, with us were never far.

I knew some day that I would hurt; I didn’t know it would be so rough, but you’re worth it all.
Don’t stop, just keep running to the places that your soul fits,
small but needed,
close your eyes,
rest those thoughts,
rest your head,
we’ll be here,
right beside you,
never far.

Mixed feelings..

I'm sitting here typing out my pages and pages of mixed up papers that i called my blog while i was in hospital with Phoenix.

30 odd pages of feelings, thoughts and worries. Writing everything down seemed to help me understand it all better. Even though i was completely confused.

It makes me realise how hard it was living in a room, on maternity, with no baby. Knowing your child was in a humidi crib, alone, down the end of the hall.

So why do i feel like i want to do it all again? I would NEVER wish a special care baby upon anyone. Its heart breaking. And i honestly thought that, along with the painful pregnancy and excruciating labour would put me off babies for life. But it seems not.

I make excuses for how painful my pregnancy was with phoenix.

Addison was only 6 months old, so she was still a baby herself. Still waking for feeds, teething and all the other joys that come with little ones! A rough 'relaxation' pregnancy massage i suffered 5 weeks of migraines which left me hospitalised and on drips, then pregnancy induced varicose veins which turned my right leg blue! And after all that, i blame it on falling pregnant to quick.

There are 3 .5 years between Jett and Addison-Dior and i didn't have half the amount of problems i did last time round.

So now i have to keep reminding myself how tired i am. And tiredness makes me cranky, and a cranky mum = cranky kids. I need to give myself time to recover. Gosh, Phoenix is only 9 weeks old!!

Were still young, we have plenty of time. And if the time does come and it doesn't happen, then I'm blessed with 3 amazing children who will love me unconditionally for the rest of our lives.

x

Delilah Love.

Don't you worry about the distance
I'm right there if you get lonely
Give this song another listen
Close your eyes
Listen to my voice, it's my disguise
I'm by your side

Today was different to every other day. Very different. From the moment i set out to start what i thought would be a straight forward day, i had 'reason' people surround me.

To me, Reason people are those who are, obviously, there for a reason.

Today, my 9 week old baby boy Phoenix was tested for Cystic Fibrosis. Not fair on such a small child, but if higher powers thought i couldn't handle it, then i wouldn't have been blessed with my little guy.

Phoenix spent the first 9 days of his crazy life not swaddled by Mum and Dad, tucked under our wings keeping him warm and safe from harm. But connected to drips, monitors and basking in the glow of photo therapy in a humidi-crib. Not something you would see everyday..

A chubby full-of-rolls 10+lbs buddha, casting shadows over tiny babies in the special care nursery.

Phoenix's diagnosis was extreme low sugar levels, a heart murmur and severe jaundice.

He was in the best place possible, being looked after people who could do more then his worried daddy or i could do for him.

Since then Buddha, the name that hasn't budged, just cant seem to rid the jaundice. At his 8 week paediatrician check up his skin still showed the affects of the bilirubin. A touch concerning seen as though by around 4-5 weeks the liver should be mature enough to allow the body to become bile free.

The testing begins.

I remember the small thumb nail size vials of blood the would take from pricking his heals to check the bilirubin levels in SCN, now they are taking 10-15mls at a time.

Tests come back a little disheartening. His jaundices levels arent good. We are referred to the Gastro enterologist who sends us to have a 'Sweat test' done before we see him for a liver biopsy.

Today, we had that test done. The morning started a bit hectic. I powered through on little but enough sleep. Did the school drop then killed some time by Op Shopping. My favorite. Not something i would usually do with Kid in tow, but Phoenix is no trouble. We stopped at my mums fav store and i got talking a lovely lady. She showed me where the goodies were that i was looking for, and soothed a crying hungry Phoenix while i had a good rummage. She explained she had lost quite a few babies, but was blessed with a daughter. I could see how much love she had by the way she looked at my son.

I bought my goods, and headed off. As i popped Phoenix back in his car seat , Delilah caught my eye. Now those of you who know me, know Delilah is my master piece. Ive loved her since i cut her pattern out of my Mums well loved T-shirt. And for weeks shes been sitting on my craft shelf waiting to 'The right time' to go.

She was bound for the children's ward at John Flynn hospital, where Buddha was having his tests done. But someone had other plans.

I needed a pen and paper. I drove to the next Op Shop and spotted a card.

"The lord bless you, and keep you"

Inside i explained that I'm a part of a group that drop toys to random locations hoping to put a smile on peoples faces and spread random acts of kindness. Today Delilah was headed to the hospital where the baby she had just showed so much love to was having tests run. I explained we may never cross each other again, but in memory of her angel babies i would love for her to re home my doll.

I drove back to the first shop where i met her, Handed over the bag and walked away.

We were now bound for the hospital. I was about 45 minutes early so i headed up to see a few friends at the gastric banding clinic. They hadn't met baby #3 yet and were over the moon to finally meet him.

Carol, One of the receptionists who Ive know for years now asked if she could pray over him. I didn't mind at all. Mum and i sat there watching Buddha sleeping peacefully while Carol quietly prayed with her hand on his head.

Nor mum or i are religious people, but we can both honestly say right now that we felt what carol was doing. As she finished we saw phoenix 'jump' .. it took us by surprise and we looked at each other with big wide eyes! Haha.. Something happened.

I sit here now, with my 3 beautiful children wondering why today happened. Why i came to be around such 'reason' people. I guess only time will tell, and ill sit here now, whispering my own little prayer that our son will be fine. And if forbid hes not, then ive got the strength to get through this.

Kiss and cuddle your little babies. Whether they are 2 or 20. Human or furry.. Love with everything you have. And be kind those you don't even know.

x

-Delilah-

Testing times...

9 weeks and 1 day ago I was sitting exactly where i am now wondering in 'they' were contractions.. or just a false alarm. Not wanting to say anything to any one.. Just gritting my tear and bearing it.. Patiently awaiting the arrival of our precious little son.

I wish i could have foreseen the future.

When phoenix was born he had severe low blood sugar levels. Blamed so kindly by the nurse on me devouring packets of sherbet each day trying to deal with 'Pica'.

We were told he would spend about 24 hours connected to a drip of glucose, giving him the sugar he needed that he was no longer getting from me. 24 hours turned in to 48 hours. And finally we were allowed back to our room.
For the first time i was able to close my door, and snuggle skin to skin with my new born. It was then i noticed he was slightly jaundice. When i pressed his skin it would turn from orange to white. I mentioned this to the nurse in charge but she had no concerns. Our night together was lovely. We slept in the same bed and i fed on demand. At about 3am i was so excited to be going home i packed my room up while he slept.

Finally it was 7am, i was preparing him to get dressed in him going home out fit when i noticed he was 'glowing' . His eyes were yellow, his skin was blotchy and he wouldn't wake up.

Hospital policy is you can only 'wheel' your child around the ward in there bed. I picked him up, wrapped him in a blanket and hurried down to the nurses station. where again, he was whisked back to SCN.

By 9am his bilirubin levels were back and we weren't going home. Phoenix was put back on the drip , tube fed extra fluids and in to a humidi crib undergoing Photo-therapy.

He had the normal dose of rays from the crib and another set of 3 bulbs on top of that. We were to spend about 8 days in that room.

Paediatricians then found a heart murmur which at 9 weeks old, it still there. His jaundice has never gone. Neonatal jaundice is common, around 75% of babies will get it. A bilirubin level of more then about 85 will need photo therapy, Phoenix was 348. This is also known as Un-conjugated jaundice or clinical jaundice.
Phoenix now suffers from Conjugated jaundace. Meaning there is an underlying issue. Not just caused by being a new born.

So far we have run both urine and blood tests for Rubella, UTI,Toxoplasmosis and CMV (similar to glandular fever) , Hepatitis B which infects the liver. It lives in liver cells and also in cells of the immune system. When the hepatitis B virus infects the liver, immune cells are attracted to the liver to help fight the infection. These immune cells cause a lot of the damage that is caused by hepatitis B.

We've had Ultrasounds for Obstruction of the bile ducts inside and/or outside of the liver, and now a 'sweat test' for cystic fibrosis.

An electrode is placed over gauze containing pilocarpine and electrolyte solution that will not interfere with the sodium and chloride measurement. A second electrode (without pilocarpine) will be placed at another site and a mild electrical current will draw the pilocarpine into the skin where it stimulates the sweat glands on his inner forearm.

The arm is carefully cleaned and dried, then a piece of pre weighed filter paper is placed over the inner arm and covered with cling wrap to prevent evaporation. Sweat is collected for around an hour. While phoenix is being kept warm with heat packs and warm blankets, being carefully watch so he didnt over heat and fit.

The filter paper is retrieved and weighed to determine the weight of sweat collected. Its then sent to Melbourne, while we wait for the results. If not enough sweat was collect, we need to resit the test.

Next week he will be under going an xray on his vertebrea to test for Alagille's syndrome is a condition in which the liver contains too few of the tiny bile ducts which are inside the liver. This leads to blockage of bile flow, which causes jaundice.

And then were off to Mater children's hospital to meet with the gastro enterologist, where he will preform a liver biopsy. Its possible the large bile ducts are blocked, the biopsy shows increased numbers of the tiny bile ducts present in the liver.

From there.. I don't know where we go.

So we just hold hope.. That we get some answers. That hes not in pain and theres ways to fix this.

9 weeks young it to little to have to go through so much testing.

We love you phoenix.

x

Happy Wonderful Special...

Mothers day to all you beautiful Mums!

I thought id been spoilt enough at Jett's Mothers day morning tea.. Until this morning i was blessed with this..

Small soft kisses on his adorable chubby cheeks.. and i got an amazing smile in return.

Happy Mothers day!

xN

Close your eyes and follow me...

Were 4.9's exact words at our Mothers Day morning tea..

Mind you i was holding Baby .1 and pushing a mighty big pram.. So he took charge of the pram and i followed him in to his class room turned restaurant.

We were spoilt rotten! Anzac bickies made with wishes.. Pickets with many different jams, Tea, Coffee and hand made pressies galore!

The kids did a rehearsed dance for us then gave all us mummies a wonderful massage. You couldn't wipe the smile off my face if you tried!

He took my order and went and fetched me 3 biscuts and 4 pickets.. while all the other mums had one of each.. What? Breast feeding is hard work! Hahaa.. I think he actually piled the plate up so he could demolish it all! Then asked if i would like Tea or Coffee.. with sugar or without and milk or black. Now how grown up is that!!

I just had to share some photos (Mind you there on a camera phone as my lovely parents have taken my camera to Sydney..) ..He put so much effort in to making me feel special, and to me thats definatly BLOG worthy!

x N

♥

Ok..Ok.. Im back!

Obviously not as much as before #3 made his arrival, but ive got shocking Blogspot withdrawals and so im attempting a come back..

Gees! What to talk about, the only things that are swimming through my head are - Breastfeeding, Poo-ey nappies (well the lack of), weight gains (From number #3, not me.. thank goodness) and Nightmares... So ill start with breast feeding.

BFing lasted about 2-4 weeks with Master 4.9 and Miss .17 , With 4.9 i didnt even query the midwives when i walked in to find them bottle feeding him in special care. He was jaundice and under the lights for 24 hours on Day 5 and they thought they would 'let me sleep a little' and insted of waking me for his feed, they formula fed him 110ml. The outcome of that, We found out he was lactose intolerant.

I didnt have Internet access back then, and being 20 and pregnant i was the only one out of my close group of friends to be starting a family young. So i didnt have a very good support network. I had no expectations on labour, birthing or feeding. But when i found out i was expecting .17 , 3 years later.. i researched everything and anything!

My birth with 4.9 was wonderful, yet daunting. I laboured on my own as they sent my family home telling them i was hours off giving birth and i didnt think pain relief was an option untill your waters had broken.

When my waters did brake the midwife casually said to me "I suppose you had better make the call to the father and let him know he should come on in when hes up and showered, mind you this could go on for hours" .. 22 minutes later i was holding my new born son. I attempted putting him to the breast which he took to nicely, but not for long. I was so zoned out and in shock, it didnt bother me. an hour later I walked back to maternity and was left there alone for 6 hours. Not one doctor of midwife came to see how we were going, so i just layed there alone with my new born attached to my breast. Thats the biggest memory i have of that day.

At 4pm my parents and his dad came back up to see us. Followed closely by a handful of friends, our next door neighbours, who was also a nurse at the hospital, Master 4.5's great grand parents and work friends. This was the first time i had seen any doctor of midwife, when they came in to say everyone had to leave. I was so overwhelmed with the amount of people, but still had this new baby attached to my breast. Everyone left bar my parents and his dad. I asked mum when someone would be in to check on me, she asked if i had seen anyone and i said no. When i took 4.9 off my breast my nipples were cracked and bleeding heavily. I was in agony. When i eventually spoke with the mid wife in duty, she told me cracked nipples were something i would 'have to get used to' and to lay on my side and feed him if i get to tired. I felt as tho he was sucking and sucking and nothing was coming out. My nipples were dry, cracked and bleeding and his lips were so dry i could see the corners of his mouth building up crust. But everyone said it was 'normal'

Day 4 i woke up and noticed his eyes weren't as white as they were the night before and when i mentioned it to the nurse she snapped back with "You should have told us this earlier! Not day4!" and whisked him away to Special Care where the pricked his heal and tested his jaundace levels. His levels were 220 and he spent the next 24 hours in phototherapy. This is when the formula feeding occurred.

Who knows, maby it was a godsent that the did formula feed him, because if i had him latched on for one more hour i would have de-dripped myself and ran from the hospital. But if they had just worked with me in expressing and latching, then he wouldnt have had issues with the lactose. Thats all something ive had to put far behind me.

On finding out i was expecting Miss .17 i starting pregnancy and breastfeeding vitamins, ate very very well and stayed away from caffeine's, chocolates and ate very little takeaway. In hope that i would successfully breast feed her. She didnt want a bar of the breast from the second i had her. She wouldnt latch on and at 10lbs 1oz i thought she would be starving!

When the tested her blood sugar levels they told me i would have to make sure she fed every 2 hours to get the levels up. They were 2.8 and they wanted them above 3. I had a great amount of colostrum, it flowed out, but she just wouldnt latch on. We were released a day later, with her still not feeding, only to be back 5 days later. She had lost nearly 1kg and had screamed herself horse. The poor thing was starving herself. After over a week of pumping and bottle feeding her EBM, my milk supply wasnt enough to cover feeds, Her wonderful Paediatrician then used Elecare, a hypoallergenic formula to top her up. I also had full access to lactation consultants and councillors, which helped me under stand what was going on.

Up untill she was about 12 months old her weight gain was slow and sometimes non existent. on a good week she would put on 20g-50g on a bad week she might lose 5g-10g. But once she started those solids... She boomed!

At my first antenatal appointment with #3 i mentioned to the midwife all of the troubles ive had with the last 2, she put me in touch with the lactation consultant at the hospital. At my next appointment i met with her and could have sat there for hours and hours probing her for information! She was amazing. She then worked with me , one on one right up untill i left hospital and i still talk with her every week. I mentioned to her i didnt feel like i had enough skin on skin time with Miss .17, and that i felt rushed to get her to feed. We wrote out a 'Game plan' (Flexible birthing plan) So this time things would go home i wanted it. Birthing wise, i wasnt phased, Id had 2 wonderful fast labours before and if by some chance i needed a Cesarean, it didnt bother me. It was the after care i worried about. So we stated i would like a whole hour skin to skin time, Unless medical reasons forbid it to happen. I would like for bubby to latch on it its own time. I didnt want the midwives shoving my breast down its throat. And i wanted for my lactation consultant to be notified that id had bubs, so she could come straight up. All of those requests were met. Mr 26 phoned her as soon as i was back in my room and she came up about an hour later. All in all, The 3rd experience was wonderful. Im feeding him from both breast and then topping him up with Neocate, which is very very similar to Elecare. Im on motilium to increase my supply, which im thinking of changing to Maxalon as ive heard its better. I pump after feeding as i feel hes not stimulating my breasts enough to make a great supply. Im adamant im going to stick it out. I know in a few weeks when hes more alert hes going to become a better feeder and i want to be able to do my best for as long as i can.

#3 Pooped every single feed without fail, untill about a week ago. He went 3 days without pooping and we could tell he was in a LOT of pain. I asked the health nurse what we could use and she suggested infant suppositories and coloyxl. We gave him a suppository after his bath and within 5 minutes he had fill 2 nappies! He then went another 2 days so my mum gave him another while he was with her and he filled 3 nappies. Talk about backup! Tomorrow ere going to buy some coloxyl drops as i feel like im violating him! *Sad face* .. A bit of useless info.. Brown sugar and water.. big No No. All it does it irritate the bowl, and if bubs is constipated its just going to put them in more pain. Coloxly drops coat the stool which helps it come out easier.

I dont know if its the lack of sleep, but last night i had such a 'real' dream.. i wouldnt say it was a 'nightmare'.. more of a dream that made me sad. But the thing that scared me the most, is that it was just so real! It was set in my home, and my loungeroom was exactly the same, everything was in its place and i was walking out to get #3 a top up, where everything was where i have it now.. Bizarre. Ive also been clenching my teeth at night which has given me a shocking tooth ache. I cant have anything cold to eat or drink without a horrible pain ripping through my mouth for hours. Dreaded dentist time i think!

Anyways, its good to be back, its taken me 5 and a half hours on and off to complete this, but i feel SO much better getting it all out. Ive never expressed how i felt about my previous labours before, and i feel a lot less stressed about it now.

Better go feed the not so little guy!

x N