Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Minus One.

While the Mister was away for work a little while ago, i thought i would surprise him with some non-iphone photos of the family.

A sneaky bribe to feed the on looking horses, self timer and the boot of our people mover, 40 runs back and forth to the camera to see if i got 'that shot' and some crazy jokes to get some smiles and im pleased to day we got a photo.
This is my tribe, minus one.

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

{ Fantastic February }

As i sit her and scoff my last bag of M&M's im actually feeling quiet sick and chocolate overloaded excited about tomorrow!

Tomorrow is the first day of February, the month of my birthday and first wedding anniversary which also falls on my late grandfathers birthday and the month i find my will power again.

In November 2006 for the first time in my life i found the will power to give away all foods that were bad for my temple. My body is my temple. And right now, im treating it like a caravan.
For 4 months i had NO takeaway whatsoever. I didnt even experience a lick of chicken salt off a juicy KFC chip.. Remembering, our gastric band does give away the junk food, or take the mars bar out of your tight gripped hand to toss it in the bin, Our will power does
And my will power and i have not been on the same page of late.

My strongest cravings are first and foremost, chocolate.
I could easily eat a whole block in one sitting, in one breath.
If there were no chocolate, i would probably dig in to the potato chips..
Cheese and onion.. Om nom nom.
Then anything savory. Pies, Pastries, Pizza, Burgers... Anything really.

Now my band doesn't allow alot of these divine treats, but i can cheat.
Give me a glass of coke on the side and it slowly moves the food through my band.

Coke, another thing i could easily go a litre of.

So, I have NO chocolate, NO soft drink , NO sweets, NO savories and NO treats in my house.
Oh i lie, i have an unopened bag of choc coated honeycomb.
And i plan on it staying unopened.

I am actually excited about the new and improved menu!
Tonight i dived into a delicious ham and salad sand which.
Honestly, that had so much more taste and flavour then any of the fast cooked meals ive made recently!

I am one for convenience.

If its not in front of me like a bag of crisps or a chocolate bar.. I usually 1. Dont have time and 2. Cant be bothered to get anything else. So i have changed that.

I chopped , grated and emptied all my salads and hams in to containers, put my fruit on an easy to reach level and my 2.5L jug of water within reach in my fridge.

Tomorrow i delete caffeine , chocolate, artificial sugars, processed foods and un healthy snacks from my life.
Tomorrow my addiction to exercise starts kicking off with an early morning brisk walk / run / minor heart attack on the curb of my street... And some days sweating it out at the gym.

You know, I was admitting to my good friend the other day that i am actually a fantastic gym member. I've been a loyal member at my local fitness center for just over a year. Ive never missed a payment, Nor have i put my membership on hold.
I always smile at the instructors if i see them shopping in the center and im proud to say 'Thanks, But im already a member' when they are signing others up in the shopping center stands.

I joined my gym with my best friend when she moved back home from Kiwi-land and im fairly sure ive stepped foot inside ..around.. 7 or 8 times? 2 of those being to use their scales and one to 'check in' on facebook as a running joke with a friend..

Lame right!? $28.00 a fortnight, to be eligible to have a tag swinging off my set of keys.. SO, this week ive cut myself a deal. If i dont attend the gym to WORK OUT at least twice, I quit.
I put my $28.00 away and by myself a new outfit on the first of March.
(Ngawai.. you here that woman!?)

It begins.. Fan-fricken-tastic Feb-rocking-raury! 

Im excited! I love a challenge, and to know my body is going to be the one thankful for it and reaping the rewards makes it 150% better!

x N

Monday, January 23, 2012

You cant lie to your heart..

I met a guy just over 4 years ago.. He was funny, loud, caring, romantic and super cute. A guy who help me live life and raise my gorgeous little boy..

A few years later.. add some more kids, some stress, an illness, some relocating, a wedding, some unlucky times and lack of knowledge about each other and our worlds suddenly crumbled.

The girl he met.. Turned in to a depressed, stressed, worrying house wife, and a fixer. I was out to fix the world.. while my family crumbled. Rapidly.

That guy i met turned in to a very sad, withdrawn man who i lost my connection with.

While i was busy fixing a very sick little boy, he was burying himself in work to support the family financially then returning home to turmoil.
I didn't see that guy i met anymore, all i saw was a man i was married to.. but for what reasons i didn't know.

We stopped talking. Became more flat mates and occasional friends then husband and wife.
We would take turns in going out, instead of going out together.
We stopped laughing and started yelling. Yelling to get our points across.
We stopped smiling and started rolling our eyes.

Then we hit breaking point and it ended. Ending knowing it can be fixed, is the worst kind of ending in my opinion.. Knowing there is still hope, but to stubborn to do anything about it.
Forcing yourself to stop loving. Voicing your 'head' feelings to others, in hope it will change your 'heart' feelings.

'Yeah, its been over for a long time really'
'We just fell out of love i guess'
'We didn't real give it enough time to get to know each other, then before we knew it we were pregnant.. then pregnant again.. then married!'
'We just drifted apart'
'We both want different things'

Knowing it was all a load of crap.. We just didn't talk! We forgot to converse.

The only way we could talk to each other was by yelling, and yell we did.

Until one day i said leave. Before our children become to affected, you need to leave.
And that weekend he did.

Hubby flatted with a friend for a few months while we sorted out what we wanted out of life. I was positive there was more to it then what i was living. Surely there was that amazing crazy in love feeling that people spoke about, not just a 'have to be happy' life we were living for our kids.

About 3 months after moving out, not a great deal had changed. We still didnt really understand each other, but more so missed each other more then anything. And we questioned moving back in together. It wasnt the right time, so he started looking for hes own place. Somewhere he could have the kids of a weekend.

Every night i wondered if we gave up to easy. We didnt do councilling like we promised months and months ago, we didnt get family help, we fought it out not talked it out.. We were 2 lost souls trying to fix something when we didn't know how it broke in the first place!

After a few harsh words here and there about life style changes, choices and mistakes and being incapable to discuss issues like adults we decided it was probably best we go our separate ways.
Hubby signed a lease on a 3 bed room place and we gave up.

For the sake of our sanity, we threw it all in.

I felt like my heart broke in to a billion pieces. I couldn't breathe, i couldn't eat, i was dropping weight more and more each day and i could not believe how easy we just threw away our family. Its like our words meant nothing when we spoke them.

We broke the promise we made on our wedding day not only to each other but to our kids and we tossed away everything we had made together simply because we were to damn lazy to figure out what the REAL problem was.

Our problem was NOT that he loved his xbox or online games.. Our problem was not that i enjoyed chatting to my friends on facebook at night.. Or problems were deeper, way deeper. They started way back when the honey moon phase wore off when we first met over 4 years ago. When we forgot to get to know each other.

We were covering up faults with things that we thought made us happy and lost each other.
Once we realised that we could actually find 'that guy' and 'that girl' again with a bit of hard work and persistence.. it all started to fall in to place.

I didnt hate him like i thought i did, i hated what we became. I hated that i buried so many hours, days and months into being a doctor and fixing my son that i left the rest of my family behind. I hated that i didnt involve them and leaning on them. I pushed them away.

I hated that he forgot how to talk to me, he thought by yelling, it would get through. But little did he know, i would shut down, actually forgetting what was said only minutes later!

Once i realised that, i knew we couldn't give up.

I drove to his house and begged for him. Cried and cried, telling him it couldnt be to late. If we had the slightest bit of hope and love that we couldnt possibly throw this away. That we need each other and our children need us too.
It wasnt going to be easy but it was going to be worth it. Its going to take hours and hours of marraige and parenting councilling with not just the 2 of us, but the 5 of us to make this work, but we have to try.

I begged and cried. And he held me for ages, agreed and i knew then, we would be ok.

For the past few weeks we've spent time talking, Long long talks, alone.
Digging deep in to how we felt and why we felt it. Weve been living our life how we want to not how others think we should be. He lives in his house, i live in mine and eventually we will move back in together. Make our family whole again. (once he starts putting the fricken butter away when hes done with it and stops leaving his jocks on the bathroom floor!)

We begin counciling next month (was the soonest they could see us) not just for us, but for our 6 year old too. He seemed to have been affected by the arguing also and scored him self a little attitude. The parenting counciling should do us the world of good.

So ive found 'that guy' again.. the one i laughed with, that i drunkenly told i was crazy about and the one that i fell totally in love with because of his laugh and love. And ive found me again. Its like i see myself through a new set of glasses!

We gave ourselves a second chance and were going to work our damn hardest to make sure our dreams of growing old in our little Queenslander in the middle of no where come true.

Because when it seems so easy to throw away.. its because your lying to your heart.

x N

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Happiness.. When your dream pants unexpectedly fit!

About a month ago i brought a ton of new clothes of a gorgeous lady who sells on facebook. She had the bidding starting at $1 .. so i bid on about 30 things and won them all! One of the items i just HAD to have was a pair of Bardot jeggings.

Now, i dont have the pins for jeggings, But i had seen these particular ones in the barot store and they are more like jeans, then tights. They were a size 8, but i knew eventually it would  be possible. 

And if not, id just frame them and it would be my hope to one day fit them..Ok, i wouldnt, id probably just give them to mum..

So, off i went to pick up my winnings, Excited to meet my $89.95 pair of jeggings i scored for a couple of dollars.

I met Lisa, Fell in love with her clothes and rushed home to try them on.

Only to be greeted by this..

Cry Cry Cry...

Of course, I phoned mum. 
My source of encouragement... she suggested a band adjustment. I was over eating, had not had a fill in about 6 months and had lost the full feeling.

But you see for me, to have my band adjusted is a 45 minute drive each way, usually with 3 kids in tow, and then the worry of an over fill and having to go back.. So i just watched what i ate.

About a week later mum phoned me.. Similar problem, she had put on a few kg's and felt her band wasn't doing its job and needed a fill. 
Knowing we had about a 3 week wait she phoned straight away to book us in at the same time. They got us in 3 days later! 

A few weeks post adjustment and attempting to reach my final goal of 70kg i thought i would dig those depressing jeggings out and hang them by my gym equipment. 

But before that, do another photo update. 

Shock horror.

I actually started laughing hysterically when i realised, THEY FREAKEN FIT!

Within around a month with determination, total chocolate and coke deprivation, a pantry clean out of ALL sweets and NO takeaway my dream pants fit!

Now, for my own happiness its time to trim and tone. 
I want to wear shorts above my knees and skirts without tights! I want to wear short board shorts! or NO board shorts!

My band loves me when i love it. 
And ive been treating it well, so it looks like ive been rewarded! 

Im so excited to go shopping for my birthday outfit, now that the one i had picked out will be to big :) :)

x N

Saturday, December 31, 2011

Twenty Twelve..

I always thought 2005 was my hardest year. I became a young single parent of a new born and for the first time in 5 years relaunched my life.

Then along came 2010 .. By the end of 2010 i realized if i could survive that, then i could survive anything. We were blessed with a gorgeous big chubby bundle of blue love by the name of Phoenix who in a blink of an eye was hit with a bucket load of medical issues. A dodgey liver, talk of a transplant,  continuous bouts of bronchitis and pneumonia , a heart wrenching liver biopsy, countless hospital visits and continual sickness.. But, as a family we survived.

2011 was going to be our year.

We moved to the other side of the gold coast, set up our family in a gorgeous new home and started planning our wedding.

February i married the man who had stood by my side for the past 3 years helping to raise my son and blessing me with a daughter and a son of our own.
The day we became husband and wife was by far the most stressful event i have ever been a part of.

From designing and having my dress made, to decorating my entire reception with just my best friend / maid of honor (and a couple of friends who popped in) for over 100 people, i barely had time to breathe let alone enjoy the day ahead of me. To this day i wish i had only our family, a couple of close friends, a court house and a BBQ.

2011 I hit my first goal of being back under 80kg.. sitting nicely at 78!

I launched Birthography, which was huge step for me.

I had my first serious car accident that almost made me throw all my dream away.

I met new friends re-found friends and an amazing woman who made me a part of her established market and i took on new roles coordinating events.

My nan had her first ever santa photo taken. 4 generations together.

Phoenix's medical issues became more complicated and as he endured more and more invasive test, i started to become more and more doubtful of my faith in life.
I am a good person, I am good to others, i take care of my whole family and give more then i physically can, but i still do it.
Yet, i was given so many tests in such a short amount of time. More then my head could handle.

I started to withdraw from people, and bury myself in projects and work simply to take my mind of my crumbling life.
I neglected my husbands needs, my children's needs, focused on making phoenix better, and pretending my world was not falling to pieces.

And then that took its toll, My husband became depressed.
And because i became afraid of confrontation and truth, i wouldn't allow him in to my head full of hell. I
 was to proud to admit i was a total and utter mess.
And when times became un bearable, i silently self harmed.

He spent his nights on the Xbox, I spent mine on the lap top. Him in the lounge room, me in the bed room. Me hearing how his day at work was 2nd hand through conversations with online gamers. Writing my every thought in diaries and un published blogs. I was literally going crazy.

I craved happiness. I craved someone who understood what i was going through, or just someone to listen. And over the years of stress and arguing, i couldn't turn to him anymore.
I knew he was facing his own issues. And i had no where near enough strength to hold him up, as well as my children, and myself.
I just wanted someone in my life who could pick up the pieces and make me feel fresh again.

So i put an end to it all. And asked him to leave.

3-4 months ago this was the best decision. We were falling only more and more in to a state of depression and being around each other only brought yelling and fights. Not healthy for any family.

6 months ago, this was not all clear in my head. I was positive we just weren't soul mates, he wanted a life of rock and roll and i wanted the life of a happy family. We lost what each other wanted.
I wanted more then to feel like we were flat mates.
I craved being crazy in love again.

3 years ago, his life of rock and roll, and the excitement of joining him at shows and standing there the proudest person in the crowd, was perfectly balanced with waking up the next morning as doeting parents and a 9-5 job.
Some where along the line we lost that balance.

Its now 4 months post separation and time has helped us heal.
Weve spoken and cried more then we had in 4 years.

Weve screamed at each other (probably more at him, then him to me) begging to get our point across. And many avoided phone calls and hang ups.

I guess time is the only thing that makes life clearer.

I reached a point in my life where i have to live for me not what others expect or want for me. And i have learnt to live with my choices. Because when i wake up tomorrow, im the only one living this life.

We have decided counciling will work for us. A mediator to help us battle it out the right way and help us parent our children together.

How does one throw away so much, so fast without working hard to fix it first? You cant.
Were going to work hard, and were going to get help because at the end of the day, there are 3 kids that need 2 parents to be on the same page raising them with every single ounce of strength they have. And that has to be our promise to them.
And we need to know we've tried.

I spent last night, sitting with my husband.. making no resolutions, just sitting and appreciating. We didn't wait up for fire works, or to see the year in.
We just enjoyed.

So, i make no resolutions, or promises.
Just hope, That again i survive 2012 that we are happy, that my children laugh and learn and i continue to care for my friends and family.

Living day by day.. that's the only way life can go!
Im not going to plan weeks or months in advance, im just going to live and breathe.

I hope your year brings nothing but new happiness and strength. The power to over come anything thrown at you and the faith to know that even at its worst it can get better.

All i hope for is my faith back.




Friday, December 16, 2011

Three years ago...

I believe a photo tells a thousand words. That is why i have so many memories caught on camera. Especially when it comes to my children.

In the very early morning of December 17th 2008, im talking 2 -3am i had woken with terrible stomach pains. The night before i has demolished 3/4 of an over flowing container of self serve Chinese and 6 - yes Six krispy kream donuts while watching a moving episode of Greys anatomy. All by my lonesome while my son was at his usual sleep over at his granny's.

Back to 2 am.. stomach knotting gut wrenching pains.
Food poisoning. Great!

I crawled to the kitchen and downed a couple of panadol. Panadene forte i was soon to realize and climbed back in to bed.

When i finally awoke it was a sunny morning and around 6am. My stomach was tender.. but i had been partially sleeping on the toilet for a couple of hours, and didnt expect much less.

So i nodded back off. At 6.30am the niggly pain started again and as i layed there wondering whether to race back to the loo or let it pass, i realized id not felt a movement from my little bun since about 2am.

I hopped out of bed with thoughts of food poisoning my baby! And phoned the mid wife. She suggested coming in to have a check.

I phoned hubby who had stayed the night at his friends and after a quick call to mum, we all headed in.

We arrived around 7.30am and i explained what i had chowed down on the night before. It had either kick started labour.. or what i thought.. Food poisoning.

We sat around a while, me feeling like i was going to be sick, but i had realized what i thought was 'gut wrenching pains' could have quiet possibly been contractions?

At 8am the mid wife came in to do an internal. I was awfully uncomfortable but no where near the pain i felt with my first son, which was well and truly labour pains.

She proceeded with her internal questioning what kind of pain i was feeling.

I told her that i had been 'on the loo' for a couple of hours last night after my feast and that i was a little tender, so be gentle.

The the flood gates opened. My waters broke.. It felt as though she had inserted her hand right up there *Sorry dad* and was pulling my baby straight out..

We were told at 12 weeks, 18 weeks (Paid gender scan) 23 weeks and 29 weeks that we were expecting a boy.

4 pushes and 8 minutes later we were greeted with our surprise baby girl.

Addison-Dior Ada Elizabeth Finney
10lbz 1oz

3 years on and your still as fast as you entered the world, your not as chubby, but your defiantly still as cute.


Happy sweet 3rd birthday my dimpled angel