Monday, January 23, 2012

You cant lie to your heart..

I met a guy just over 4 years ago.. He was funny, loud, caring, romantic and super cute. A guy who help me live life and raise my gorgeous little boy..

A few years later.. add some more kids, some stress, an illness, some relocating, a wedding, some unlucky times and lack of knowledge about each other and our worlds suddenly crumbled.

The girl he met.. Turned in to a depressed, stressed, worrying house wife, and a fixer. I was out to fix the world.. while my family crumbled. Rapidly.

That guy i met turned in to a very sad, withdrawn man who i lost my connection with.

While i was busy fixing a very sick little boy, he was burying himself in work to support the family financially then returning home to turmoil.
I didn't see that guy i met anymore, all i saw was a man i was married to.. but for what reasons i didn't know.

We stopped talking. Became more flat mates and occasional friends then husband and wife.
We would take turns in going out, instead of going out together.
We stopped laughing and started yelling. Yelling to get our points across.
We stopped smiling and started rolling our eyes.

Then we hit breaking point and it ended. Ending knowing it can be fixed, is the worst kind of ending in my opinion.. Knowing there is still hope, but to stubborn to do anything about it.
Forcing yourself to stop loving. Voicing your 'head' feelings to others, in hope it will change your 'heart' feelings.

'Yeah, its been over for a long time really'
'We just fell out of love i guess'
'We didn't real give it enough time to get to know each other, then before we knew it we were pregnant.. then pregnant again.. then married!'
'We just drifted apart'
'We both want different things'

Knowing it was all a load of crap.. We just didn't talk! We forgot to converse.

The only way we could talk to each other was by yelling, and yell we did.

Until one day i said leave. Before our children become to affected, you need to leave.
And that weekend he did.

Hubby flatted with a friend for a few months while we sorted out what we wanted out of life. I was positive there was more to it then what i was living. Surely there was that amazing crazy in love feeling that people spoke about, not just a 'have to be happy' life we were living for our kids.

About 3 months after moving out, not a great deal had changed. We still didnt really understand each other, but more so missed each other more then anything. And we questioned moving back in together. It wasnt the right time, so he started looking for hes own place. Somewhere he could have the kids of a weekend.

Every night i wondered if we gave up to easy. We didnt do councilling like we promised months and months ago, we didnt get family help, we fought it out not talked it out.. We were 2 lost souls trying to fix something when we didn't know how it broke in the first place!

After a few harsh words here and there about life style changes, choices and mistakes and being incapable to discuss issues like adults we decided it was probably best we go our separate ways.
Hubby signed a lease on a 3 bed room place and we gave up.

For the sake of our sanity, we threw it all in.

I felt like my heart broke in to a billion pieces. I couldn't breathe, i couldn't eat, i was dropping weight more and more each day and i could not believe how easy we just threw away our family. Its like our words meant nothing when we spoke them.

We broke the promise we made on our wedding day not only to each other but to our kids and we tossed away everything we had made together simply because we were to damn lazy to figure out what the REAL problem was.

Our problem was NOT that he loved his xbox or online games.. Our problem was not that i enjoyed chatting to my friends on facebook at night.. Or problems were deeper, way deeper. They started way back when the honey moon phase wore off when we first met over 4 years ago. When we forgot to get to know each other.

We were covering up faults with things that we thought made us happy and lost each other.
Once we realised that we could actually find 'that guy' and 'that girl' again with a bit of hard work and persistence.. it all started to fall in to place.

I didnt hate him like i thought i did, i hated what we became. I hated that i buried so many hours, days and months into being a doctor and fixing my son that i left the rest of my family behind. I hated that i didnt involve them and leaning on them. I pushed them away.

I hated that he forgot how to talk to me, he thought by yelling, it would get through. But little did he know, i would shut down, actually forgetting what was said only minutes later!

Once i realised that, i knew we couldn't give up.

I drove to his house and begged for him. Cried and cried, telling him it couldnt be to late. If we had the slightest bit of hope and love that we couldnt possibly throw this away. That we need each other and our children need us too.
It wasnt going to be easy but it was going to be worth it. Its going to take hours and hours of marraige and parenting councilling with not just the 2 of us, but the 5 of us to make this work, but we have to try.

I begged and cried. And he held me for ages, agreed and i knew then, we would be ok.

For the past few weeks we've spent time talking, Long long talks, alone.
Digging deep in to how we felt and why we felt it. Weve been living our life how we want to not how others think we should be. He lives in his house, i live in mine and eventually we will move back in together. Make our family whole again. (once he starts putting the fricken butter away when hes done with it and stops leaving his jocks on the bathroom floor!)

We begin counciling next month (was the soonest they could see us) not just for us, but for our 6 year old too. He seemed to have been affected by the arguing also and scored him self a little attitude. The parenting counciling should do us the world of good.

So ive found 'that guy' again.. the one i laughed with, that i drunkenly told i was crazy about and the one that i fell totally in love with because of his laugh and love. And ive found me again. Its like i see myself through a new set of glasses!

We gave ourselves a second chance and were going to work our damn hardest to make sure our dreams of growing old in our little Queenslander in the middle of no where come true.

Because when it seems so easy to throw away.. its because your lying to your heart.

x N


  1. I think any couple going through a hard time needs to read this and the inspiration it breathes.. Good luck to the 5 of you, I know you'll all get through it all with an even bigger abundance of love - because you all deserve nothing less xxxx