Dear Phoenix.

Brothers by fate...

These kids have had their fair bloody share of hick ups.
Hurdles and speed bumps.

But heres to a healthy, fun and gorgeous friendship of 2 boys who have there whole life to get to know each other.

Sammy, I am blessed to have had you share those daunting and over whelming nights stuck in a ward with nothing buy UV lights and nasal tubes.
Someone who knows my fear and anxiety.

We are each other tower of strength and our boys will one day sit down to hear how we survived their rocky starts.

You are an amazing mother, and it is scary how much we have in common.

I adore you and your family.


June 29th 2011
Started antibiotics.. Praying it kicks in soon.

June 28th 2011

I phoned the hospital to let them know my concerns about driving an hour alone with phoenix after his blue episode on Saturday. They got me to explain to them what he has been like and told me it was a must to bring him in. I have to take him straight to Emergency and they will send the team down to get us. They mentioned Whooping Cough, Mycoplamsa and Pneumonia.. Leaving now.

Home! Finally. What a long long day. 3 blood tests plus liver function tests.. Xrays.. Oxygen.. Tired.. so so tired.
We were admitted to stay over night, but as there were already 3 cases of whooping cough on the ward, they suggested coming home.
Pheonix has pneumonia and mycoplasma.. So hes on the correct antibiotics. Roxithromycin. Amoxil, which they have been giving him for the past few weeks on and off have been usless. Apparently penicillan does nothing to help kick mycoplamsa. Hes infection levels are unusually high. Between 5 and 50 ..5 being normal he is at 40. Were just waiting on the 'snot' test to come back now.. Off to bed. Exhausted.

Monday June 27th

Rough day.. loads of coughing and trying to catch his breath. Hopefully this antihistimean starts to kick in..

Just layed my head down and heard phoenix cough.. then stop.. then cough cough cough.. so shane and i ran in to find him covered in vomit and phlem. Sat him up and it just piled out. I have no idea how im going to drive him alone to his Liver Clinic appointment tomorrow! We had our whole family over for dinner tonight to celebrate jetts brithday. maby he was a little overwhelmed..

Sunday June 26th

Mum said Phoenix had a rough trot in the car today. Vomited all over her and the car.. Poor kid! I dont know whats going on! Its got to be more then brochitis...
Saturday June 15th

Home doctor has just left.

Today i had a bit of A Useless Mum Moment..

A useless mum moment..

Is officially what i will STOP calling it.

Im going to type this blog super fast, have to have it done before 9.00 pm so you literally stand up, walk to your children's room, listen to them breath, whisper you love them and then head to bed yourself.

I've had a rough trot lately.. and today that ends. Tomorrow i let go of worry and anxiety and find peace in every single thing i have been blessed with.

Today i made the decision to make the most of what life has to offer and tell the universe it can fuck right off with these ridiculous hurdles it is swiftly throwing at me.

Today i woke up dreading what it may bring. First day of holidays.. All 3 cabin feaver-ish kids.. We pottered around throughout the morning while i prepped for a car boot sale tomorrow morning.
Phoenix was a bit whingy and clingy so i popped him in to bed. He sooked , laughed, played and whinged for about an hour on and off.

I finally realised he wasn't going to fall asleep and loaded the kids in the people mover and set off to take the bike to the bike shop to be repaired.

Driving there i realised the sun was in Master 5's face.. so i turned to check if it was also in Phoenix's who was behind him.
It was.
I turned back as it looked like he was squinting, i thought of stopping to hang a blanket to stop the sun from hitting him, but realised id taken every single item out of the car to fit the bike it.. no blanket.
I turned back to check on coming cars so i could merge around the round about..

Phoenix was blue.

In a matter of seconds he had stopped breathing.

Its funny, when you try and think of something, when you really need to think of something. Your brain gives you nothing.

In a space of 5 seconds. Which felt like an hour.. my brain told me it was the colour from his drink bottle lid, the reflection from his toy hanging from the door or a crayon..

While trying not to hit any other cars while going around the round about i kept flicking my head back.. screaming profanities..

I hit my hazards and started to honk my horn.. I pulled over still cursing over and over and while waving cars down i opened his door.

Then i froze.

The useless mum moment.

I couldn't move, i could touch him, i could say anything.

All i could hear was his five year old brother screaming 'Make him breathe'

A car pulled over and ive never seen a woman run so fast.

I manage to scream 'Hes not breathing' then fell down.

Her husband quickly started to pat phoenix's back and he vomited litres and litres of fluid everywhere. Still gasping for his breath.

I couldn't move. I just sat on the curb sobbing, In another mothers arms.

My daughter didnt say a word. The look on her 2 year old face said it all.
My son, 5 years old, kept repeating the same thing over and over. 'Make him breathe'

He eventually took Phoenix out of his seat and on to the pavement and stripped him down. My angels gave me towels and we clean his seat and wrapped him up.

I felt like the words 'Thank you' had not enough meaning..

With my jelly legs and ice cold shaking hands i managed to get myself back in to my car. and even said to myself.. 'Are you going to work legs??'

I drove him straight back home and called the hospital.
They said the wait was at least 6 hours and perhaps phone the home doctor first.

I popped phoenix in to a bath and sat with him untill the home doctor arrived.

Phoenix has just finished his antibiotics for a chest infection and now he has bronchitis.
His oxygen levels are low and his chest sounds cloudy. Boarder lining pneumonia.

Normally a person take around 30 breaths per minute. He is taking 72.

The reason he stopped breathing was because his little body couldn't keep up.

If it happens again , Doctor has given us his report to take him straight to hospital to start on oxygen.

The point of me sharing this with you is this..

This morning i spent 2 hours telling my kids 'Just give me a minute'

I buried my head in boxes and cupboards.. on the first day of holidays.. neglecting the attention they deserved. I could have spent 2 hours sorting, during nap time.

I put phoenix to bed out of frustration with his clinginess and sat Miss 2 in front of the tv with a bowl fruit and Dora.

Every single second with your children means more to them then you will ever know.
They dont voice is, they dont make it known there appreciation. But they are at there happiest when they are on your lap. With out a phone in your hand, with out a laptop next to you.

Just you, and them.

Today, when i saw Phoenix blue i thought of 20 billion things i wish i had have done.

I wish id sat with him on the lawn with a full watermelon. No rules.
I wish i had showered with him.
I wish i had road him around the street on the seat of his sisters bike.
I wish i had stopped packing the containers in front of him, and let him play with them.
I wish i had layed on the trampoline watching the flight of bird scream past.

But instead, i had rushed around, ignored the cry's of my children and got my priorities wrong. I messed up.

I know and understand, i could not have prevented Phoenix choking. He is sick, that is why he choked.
But , what i he i never got to see him smile again. I never got to hear him smash my spoons and forks against my favorite saucepan?

I need to stop and love my children more then i ever have.

Its nearly 9pm. Your still awake, you have read my blog. Get up, walk to your babies rooms (big or small babies.. 1 or 21..)
Listen to them breath, give them minutes of your time.
Whisper you love them. And forgive yourself.

x N
April 5th 2011

Big day today.. Up to the Royal Chidrens for follow ups. Such a long drive and parking is killing us! $30+ each time.. They really need to consider the ammount they make us regulars pay.. At least i got to look at the gorgeous legs on the drive..

January 23rd 2011

'My sick little boy. After not being able to hold anything down since lunch time, he couldn't even wait for a nappy before crashing on the couch. I haven't got the heart to wake him.. Poor buddha. ♥'

December 3rd 2010
Chest infection. and boarderline pneumonia...again.. Ease up universe!

November 19th 2010

'So! Were home sweet home. Phoenix pulled through the biopsy like a trouper. He flirted with the nurses all morning, so the head doctor told us if we didnt leave the rest of the unit wouldnt get any work done ;-) Now he is fast asleep in the comfort of his own bed, with his big brother and sister doeting over him. Me on the other hand.. Blubbering mess.
You know when you invission something in your head.. Your plan. And then it doesnt go the way you thought, so you have a totaly nervous break down. Well, yeah, that was me.

2 week wait for the results but ive made a promise to my baby boy. From this second on i will appreciate how luck we are to simply have him in our life. Its been a rough week, huge day and long night. Thankyou for your support. When i was at my lowest today.. I knew i had at least one of you thinking about us. It kept me going. Thank you friends. ♥ Me and Buddah x' 

November 18th 2010

Today is the day.

I feel sick.

Yet he still glows..


November 17th 2010

Tomorrow Phoenix has his biopsy. Why has this happened to MY boy???

We brought a gorgeous Buddha (Phoenix's nick name ) from Tree of life.. Hes coming with us.

November 13th 2010
Supporting McHappy day! If it wernt for them we wouldnt have a place to stay when our little guy is in hospital. Demolishing big macs for a good cause..

November 4th 2010

'So, Our little bundle of chubby love has his booking date for his Liver Biopsy 2 weeks from today. Were not very knowledgeable when it comes to all things medicine so today were taking him to see a lady who practices Natural Therapies to see what she can do. Basiclly his liver had never functioned right, And we dont know why. If anyone, anywhere knows anything about livers or biopcies, we would love to hear a bit about it. (Not the scary stuff of course..) Google is distroying me! He's 6 months old, A bundle of laughs and has the most wonderful spirit ive seen. Were praying for nothing but the best out come, but know we may have a long road ahead of us. "

August 19th 2010

"Yesterday our little sweet boy ended up in hospital with a chest infection and middle ear infections in both ears.. Spent the night on a drip, but because of his dodgey liver there is not 
much they can do to make him better.

 I took him down to the chapel to spend some time with him and left a lovely little lady for someone special. ♥
 I think i'll name her -Faith- "

June 29th 2010

Our RCH Toy Drop ..

"Phoenix was at the RCH for his first appoinment with the liver transplant doctors Today. We tried dropping it at the clinic, but there were to many people. Tried the cafe..Packed. Walked the car park, but i hadnt attached string so i couldnt hang it, there were no parks around, so as we were leaving i thought id drop it in to the Emergancy dept. I explained who i was and what i was doing. But, they wanted me to unwrap the whole thing so they could inspect it, read my note, search the website.. blah blah blah.. then they wanted to open my card!! 
Now, in that card was my heart poured out in to word. That was personal. So, i gathered my Miss Bella back up, tears rolling down my face, god knows what for! And told them not to worry and i left. I took the positives knowing she was not ment to go there.. and walked back up to where i had started. I spotted a Mum, sitting next to her child in a pram around Addison's age. I walked up to her, trying to hold it together and just said "This is for you." And walked off. 


June 18th 2010


Who would have thought,
We’d be taking this path, walking together,Living this nightmare of our own.
Who would have known, you were that star, that sent us the strength, to yell we’ll get past this fight.
I thought it was you, the gift yet the trial, we have you now, you landed right where you belong.
We’ll keep you safe don’t be scared, it’s here where you will stay.
I knew someday that I would love, I didn’t know it would be so strong, But your worth it all.
Don’t stop, just keep running to the place that your soul fits, small but needed, your worth it.
Don’t doubt that.

I know at times it hurts; your heart is torn, the questions running through your mind.
Before you landed there were testing times, nothing prepares you for what lay ahead.
Rest assured that’s why your here,
right here and now, were here with you,
and were not leaving,
You keep running
Ill take you hand and guide you.
I understand you.

It’s taking time, but with us, so close, never far, you need not worry, were in your reach.
Here’s our gift, the gift of trust, we offer this to you no cost,
Rest those wicked thoughts.
Your worried mind that ticks and takes its toll on your tiny sole, with us were never far.

I knew some day that I would hurt; I didn’t know it would be so rough, but you’re worth it all.
Don’t stop, just keep running to the places that your soul fits,
small but needed,
close your eyes,
rest those thoughts,
rest your head,
we’ll be here,
right beside you,
never far.

x Mum

June 17th 2010

Testing times...

9 weeks and 1 day ago I was sitting exactly where i am now , in front of my computer wondering in 'they' were contractions.. or just a false alarm. Not wanting to say anything to any one.. Just gritting my tear and bearing it.. Patiently awaiting the arrival of our precious little son.

I wish i could have foreseen the future.

When phoenix was born he had severe low blood sugar levels. Blamed so kindly by the nurse on me devouring packets of sherbet each day trying to deal with 'Pica'.

We were told he would spend about 24 hours connected to a drip of glucose, giving him the sugar he needed that he was no longer getting from me. 24 hours turned in to 48 hours. And finally we were allowed back to our room.
For the first time i was able to close my door, and snuggle skin to skin with my new born. It was then i noticed he was slightly jaundice. When i pressed his skin it would turn from orange to white. I mentioned this to the nurse in charge but she had no concerns. Our night together was lovely. We slept in the same bed and i fed on demand. At about 3am i was so excited to be going home i packed my room up while he slept.

Finally it was 7am, i was preparing him to get dressed in him going home out fit when i noticed he was 'glowing' . His eyes were yellow, his skin was blotchy and he wouldn't wake up.

Hospital policy is you can only 'wheel' your child around the ward in there bed. I picked him up, wrapped him in a blanket and hurried down to the nurses station. where again, he was whisked back to SCN.

By 9am his bilirubin levels were back and we weren't going home. Phoenix was put back on the drip , tube fed extra fluids and in to a humidi crib undergoing Photo-therapy.

He had the normal dose of rays from the crib and another set of 3 bulbs on top of that. We were to spend about 8 days in that room.

Paediatricians then found a heart murmur which at 9 weeks old, it still there. His jaundice has never gone. Neonatal jaundice is common, around 75% of babies will get it. A bilirubin level of more then about 85 will need photo therapy, Phoenix was 348. This is also known as Un-conjugated jaundice or clinical jaundice.
Phoenix now suffers from Conjugated jaundace. Meaning there is an underlying issue. Not just caused by being a new born.

So far we have run both urine and blood tests for Rubella, UTI,Toxoplasmosis and CMV (similar to glandular fever) , Hepatitis B which infects the liver. It lives in liver cells and also in cells of the immune system. When the hepatitis B virus infects the liver, immune cells are attracted to the liver to help fight the infection. These immune cells cause a lot of the damage that is caused by hepatitis B.

We've had Ultrasounds for Obstruction of the bile ducts inside and/or outside of the liver, and now a 'sweat test' for cystic fibrosis.

An electrode is placed over gauze containing pilocarpine and electrolyte solution that will not interfere with the sodium and chloride measurement. A second electrode (without pilocarpine) will be placed at another site and a mild electrical current will draw the pilocarpine into the skin where it stimulates the sweat glands on his inner forearm.

The arm is carefully cleaned and dried, then a piece of pre weighed filter paper is placed over the inner arm and covered with cling wrap to prevent evaporation. Sweat is collected for around an hour. While phoenix is being kept warm with heat packs and warm blankets, being carefully watch so he didnt over heat and fit.

The filter paper is retrieved and weighed to determine the weight of sweat collected. Its then sent to Melbourne, while we wait for the results. If not enough sweat was collect, we need to resit the test.

Next week he will be under going an xray on his vertebrea to test for Alagille's syndrome is a condition in which the liver contains too few of the tiny bile ducts which are inside the liver. This leads to blockage of bile flow, which causes jaundice.

And then were off to Mater children's hospital to meet with the gastro enterologist, where he will preform a liver biopsy. Its possible the large bile ducts are blocked, the biopsy shows increased numbers of the tiny bile ducts present in the liver.

From there.. I don't know where we go.

So we just hold hope.. That we get some answers. That hes not in pain and theres ways to fix this.

9 weeks young it to little to have to go through so much testing.

We love you phoenix.


June 16th 2010

Delilah Love.

Don't you worry about the distance
I'm right there if you get lonely
Give this song another listen
Close your eyes
Listen to my voice, it's my disguise
I'm by your side

Today was different to every other day. Very different. From the moment i set out to start what i thought would be a straight forward day, i had 'reason' people surround me.

To me, Reason people are those who are, obviously, there for a reason.
Today, my 9 week old baby boy Phoenix was tested for Cystic Fibrosis. Not fair on such a small child, but if higher powers thought i couldn't handle it, then i wouldn't have been blessed with my little guy.
Phoenix spent the first 9 days of his crazy life not swaddled by Mum and Dad, tucked under our wings keeping him warm and safe from harm. But connected to drips, monitors and basking in the glow of photo therapy in a humidi-crib. Not something you would see everyday..
A chubby full-of-rolls 10+lbs buddha, casting shadows over tiny babies in the special care nursery.
Phoenix's diagnosis was extreme low sugar levels, a heart murmur and severe jaundice.
He was in the best place possible, being looked after people who could do more then his worried daddy or i could do for him.
Since then Buddha, the name that hasn't budged, just cant seem to rid the jaundice. At his 8 week paediatrician check up his skin still showed the affects of the bilirubin. A touch concerning seen as though by around 4-5 weeks the liver should be mature enough to allow the body to become bile free.
The testing begins.
I remember the small thumb nail size vials of blood the would take from pricking his heals to check the bilirubinlevels in SCN, now they are taking 10-15mls at a time.
Tests come back a little disheartening. His jaundices levels arent good. We are referred to the Gastroenterologist who sends us to have a 'Sweat test' done before we see him for a liver biopsy.
Today, we had that test done. The morning started a bit hectic. I powered through on little but enough sleep. Did the school drop then killed some time by Op Shopping. My favorite. Not something i would usually do with Kid in tow, but Phoenix is no trouble. We stopped at my mums fav store and i got talking a lovely lady. She showed me where the goodies were that i was looking for, and soothed a crying hungry Phoenix while i had a good rummage. She explained she had lost quite a few babies, but was blessed with a daughter. I could see how much love she had by the way she looked at my son.
I bought my goods, and headed off. As i popped Phoenix back in his car seat , Delilah caught my eye. Now those of you who know me, know Delilah is my master piece. Ive loved her since i cut her pattern out of my Mums well loved T-shirt. And for weeks shes been sitting on my craft shelf waiting to 'The right time' to go.
She was bound for the children's ward at John Flynn hospital, where Buddha was having his tests done. But someone had other plans.
I needed a pen and paper. I drove to the next Op Shop and spotted a card.
"The lord bless you, and keep you"
Inside i explained that I'm a part of a group that drop toys to random locations hoping to put a smile on peoples faces and spread random acts of kindness. Today Delilah was headed to the hospital where the baby she had just showed so much love to was having tests run. I explained we may never cross each other again, but in memory of her angel babies i would love for her to re home my doll.
I drove back to the first shop where i met her, Handed over the bag and walked away.
We were now bound for the hospital. I was about 45 minutes early so i headed up to see a few friends at the gastric banding clinic. They hadn't met baby #3 yet and were over the moon to finally meet him.
Carol, One of the receptionists who Ive know for years now asked if she could pray over him. I didn't mind at all. Mum and i sat there watching Buddha sleeping peacefully while Carol quietly prayed with her hand on his head.
Nor mum or i are religious people, but we can both honestly say right now that we felt what carol was doing. As she finished we saw phoenix 'jump' .. it took us by surprise and we looked at each other with big wide eyes! Haha.. Something happened.
I sit here now, with my 3 beautiful children wondering why today happened. Why i came to be around such 'reason' people. I guess only time will tell, and ill sit here now, whispering my own little prayer that our son will be fine. And if forbid hes not, then ive got the strength to get through this.
Kiss and cuddle your little babies. Whether they are 2 or 20. Human or furry.. Love with everything you have. And be kind those you don't even know.


April 13th 2010

Happy Due Date!

Another blood test is sent off. I am praying they have gone down.. I dont even want to think about the next step. Addison is coming up today, so im going to try and get an hours sleep before she gets here. 


It is so so so good to see my little girl! Her cuddles are bliss. The way she wraps her arms around my neck and nuzzles in. God, i just want to go home.

Back to being alone again. Scraps of paper everywhere. My head is pounding, my eyes feel like they are going to roll out.  Scoff down lunch and shut my eyes for 20 minutes. 
The nurse offers me some Domperidone .. Ill take anything to boost my milk supply. 


Wow! 2 hours straight sleep!! Feeling groggy but a shower will fix that.


Results are back and after not seeing him for a few hours hes colour actually looks better??
Hes eyes are open!

April 12th 2010

Ive finally accepted were not going home anytime soon. So ive scouted the waiting rooms for more paper. Blogging seems to make it all more understandable. And passes time.

He wont suck, he wont take a bottle or a cup. He wont swollow what is syringed to him.

Horrible day of feeding. He is meant to be consuming about 800mls throughout the day , 1000ml to kick this jaudice. Today hes had about 110ml 
He has stopped pooping and hes nappied are become more dry. They are just about to take more bloods.


Katrina, A head doctore fills me in on the results. They are not good. 338 .. A 350+ result could mean a blood transfussion. She explains we need to put the feeding tube in and advising i should start expressing, but stresses they need to add formula to it. Right now i couldnt care less what they fed him. Just get him better. Ive not seen him open his eyes for 6 hours.


The nurse lets me know hes tube is in and i can come back for cuddles. I am emotionally exhausted. I started my day at 4.45am and it is nearly midnight. And ive not slept a wink. This was not my plan.

April 11th 2010

Today is going so slow.. 
Hes gone from feeding for approx 20-25 minutes per side to about 10 minutes on one side before he crashes out. Nothing can wake him. Stripping, cold flannel, ice.. Nothing. Screw you jaundice!!

11pm.. So tired :(

April 10th 2010

Happy Birthday Daddy!! Were hopefully coming home today! 

I notice in the light of my phone hes eyes are a little cloudy.. Note in on paper to ask the midwife in the morning.
Dose off untill 5am.

Hes yellow.. This is NOT good. And he wont wake up.
Rule One of maternity ward. 
Babies must only be moved when in their crib.

F*$K that! I pick him up and run to the nurses desk. They see just how yellow he is and take him off me and back to nursery. They take his bloods and tell me there is still a possibility we can go home. My heart tells me otherwise.

Ive seen that look before.
The nurse sits on the end of my bed and i ask if we are still going. She see's all my things packs and shakes her head.
I just cried and cried. His levels are ment to be about 50 they are 281. Were not going anywhere.


He is stripped bear. Im heart broken. He must feel so alone. With little white eye covers he is placed in to what would be his home for the next week. A humidicrib with UV lights shining on him. I start to express to bring my milk in and feed on demand to flush the jaundice. 
What i thought would be my first night laying in bed with my gorgeous son.. has turned in to a nightmare.

April 9th 2010

After a long long night of walking the alise of the nursery, im finally up for the start of a new day.
Phoenix is allowed off the drip and in to my room for the night. We just have to get the all clear from the head pead.
I mention to a passing doctor that i think hes looking a little jaundace. Jett was jaunice as a new born, so i know what it looks like. He fobs me off telling me to stop being so paranoid.. I ask the nurse for a second opinion and she said will will monitor him.

They start to wean phoenix off his drip. And i tidy my room and make way for my special boy.


Phoenix is tucked up next to me.. demand feeding and i am feeling like a million bucks!

April 8th 2010

4am- I wake to find mylegs shaking a little. Then they stop. I doze off and they start shaking again.. it took me about 20 minutes to realise they were shaking through contractions.
I wake shane and he jumps in the shower. I cut up and apple and start sobbing.. Today is the day.

6am.. time to roll..

6.15am we arrive at the ER entrence.. miss Have-a-chat wants to know all the details.. the midwife arrives and walks us up stairs.
I pace back and forth while they prep my drip and wait for mum.
Drip is is and mum arrives. I am now 8cm dilated and my cervix is compleatly thinned..

The nurse knocks to let us know my dad is here.. Dad? I didnt think he was coming? I quiz her on what he looks like.. and its him! Dad waunders in with his coffee and keeps me company for an hour. An hour i will remember forever.
We chatted about life while i bounced away my contractions.. and he helped me time them.

7.15am dad heads home to collect Jett.

8am i jump in to the luke warm bath.. freezing! Mum and Hubby chow down on ham and cheese crosaunts.. so i proceed to tell them about my loss of plug ...*evil laugh*
I have a chat to my midwife about breaking my water. I know my body and i know transition wont start untill they are broken. Because im so calm about it, she doubts me.. But i convince her , and promise her a baby within the hour.
She agrees to break them on my next contraction.

8.15am a small.. but good enough contration and she breaks my water. To everyones surprise, a trickle of water comes out. With the size of my tummy and the estimate of a 6lbs baby in there.. we start to doubt the need for the humidicrib.

Shane and i start to guess the size. I said 9lbs shane says 9lbx 2oz.

8.20am.. BAM.. trasition! Im ofically a crazy woman..
Bed.. gym ball.. bed.. chair.. bed.. floor..request for shower.. stuff it.. bed.. ball..bed!!
Sandra suggests i hop on to the bed, knealin, holding on to the upright bed.

Wei ling has never delivered a baby before and Sandra asks me how i would feel about Wei Ling delivering unassisted. Like i give a hoot! Get the baby out of me!

My knees keep slipping from the bed and i tell shane im going to be sick.. i knew that was it, i was about to have my baby. And i push.
I let out a couple of my lion growls and instantly lose my voice. I do my usual beg for an epidural.. up untill now id not even suggested gas.
Mum, Shane and my midwives make a joke of it..Not impressed!

We welcome to the world Phoenix Henry Arthur Finney.
10 Lbs 2 Oz
Unassisted , drug free , vaginal birth in to the arms of my medical student. Wei Ling.

He is passed through my legs in to my arms .. I instantly think 'Holy Shit! Hes HUGE!' But repeate over and over 'Your safe now, Mummy is here'

I look over at shane.. and realise he is crying too. He has just met his son.

Phoenix takes to the breat like a pro. And i birth my placenta.. And no, i didnt eat it or take it home to grow a tree on top of.. or freeze.. No offence placenta lovers.

Best of all.. No tears. No tears = No stitches!
Awesome birth!


I am surprised when i see a little head pop through my curtains.. Its Jett, He quickly runs over to what he hoped was going to be his brother and says ' She looks like Addison..' when i tell him 'She' is actually a 'He' .. He is over the moon. My dad meets his new grandson and they all leave me to jump in the shower.

10am My youngest brother arrives for cuddles and helps me pack my room. We waunder back down to maternity ward when a patient stops to have a peek. She is shocked when i tell her hes an hour old.. she assumed he had been in special care (Across from labour ward) And that he was at least a couple of weeks old.. and was surpised i could walk after giving birth to such a big bub.

We only just sit down when the nurses come in to test his sugar levels. Because of his size they need to be a certain level to keep stable. 2.0 is a good ammount to be at for blood sugars. 
Phoenix comes back as 0.8 Extreamly low.
The 2 nurses dont explain much.. they just pick him up and take him to the special care nursery. And tell me to ...Wait..
He is hooked up to a glucose drip and i am not able to see him for over an hour. Ive only held my son once.

2pm I am asked to wait in the loungeroon untill the peaditriction arrives to tell us more. By now every one has gone home and im sitting alone waiting for Shane. Hes gone home to pick up the kids and his parents. 

2.30pm They arrive. As only 2 people at a time can go in to see him shane takes turns introducing Pheonix to the family, while i spend time with Jett and Addison. We finally introduce them, one at a time to their baby brother. 

4.30pm The family head off and its just me and my boy.. Drips and monitors.. Ive not even changed his nappy yet. Let alone fed him. Insted of relying on my breasts. Hes being fed through a drip.

Far from the plan we had in mind.

7pm I sit in my room and sob. Emotion overload. 

Breast feeding with Jett and Addison was near impossible. I had insufficent milk supply and was simply not enough to satifify them. 
This time round i reserched and planned my whole feeding experiance. In hope of giving my 3rd child the best chance at being breast fed. I worked closly with a lactation consultant for 5 months of my pregnancy and she was only hours away after i gave birth. Coming in, after hours. 

Running on pure adrenaline they offer me an attempt at feeding, before the suggest a nasal gastric tube.

He has pretty much comatose himself, leaving him no energy to feed. As they unwind his cords i pray to the 'Boob Gods' that he hasnt forgot ofr lost interest in feeding. he fumbles a little.. But latches on. 

The first time in all my pregnancies i have felt a sence of releife that my child is comforted from what my body has to offer, after birth. He has what i thought was a decent feed, but nods off half way. Its been a long day.

April 7th 2010
Lose a fair bit of plug in the shower.. Odd, i never lost any with the other 2.
Cramping is on and off.. about 20 minutes apart. maby her S&S did do something? Or baby is sick of being poked and prodded.. Either way im going to rest up. And stop timing!

4pm .. i suggest we go get checked out. hubby rings his parents who live about 2.5 hours away and asks if they can come down.. Long way to travel for a false alarm! But im confident things are happening.
I phone the hospital and explain I feel like ive broked a rib or torn the ligaments like miss 2 had done.. If i have torn them there is no way in hell ill be able to push. The reqest i come in and see the doctor while hes doing the rounds.

5pm we head in.
Midwife checks and says im about 5-6cm but stretches me to 7cm. She is such an amazing kind , funny and caring midwife, but is just about to finish her shirt untill 7am the next morning. And leave with a kiss on the cheek and a cuddle. Assuring me she will see me tomorrow.

6pm They admit me as a patient. I hate it. hate hate hate being there. I sneek up to the nurses station and cut them a deal.. They are admiment they dont want me leaving due to my strep B, shocking iron levels, loss of blod, torn ligaments and buldging water. They are positive as soon as i get in the car my waters will break.. And last baby i had in 8 minutes. I beg and plead telling them i love 11 minutes away.. and thats doing the speed limit! After 15 minutes of negociating, im allowed home on night release. With a promise to come back in the morning.

7pm Inlaws arrive and head out to get dinner for the family.

Contractions are 12 minutes apart, and stayed that way for 3 hours. But i kept it to myself.

Mum and dad head home, the kids are fast asleep, my in laws are in our bed and were in the loungeroom.

April 6th 2010
Iron levels havnt budged. Phew! Still at 90 something. But they want this baby out. They are concerned if i tear like i did with Addison i could bleed out. I chatted with my health nurse today on birth positions. Trying to avoid tearing. Weve settled on an upright bed, with my hanging over it. Giving birth upright  on my knees pretty much. So im happy with that.
She did another stretch, this time felt differant. Like she moved something? She said my waters were buldging and to make sure i dont leave it to the last minute to get there. I found out im step B positive so meed to get in a course of anti biostics before bubs arrives.
About 9pm i lose a clump of mucous.. gag.

April 5th 2010
More bloods today to see how my iron is holding up. Back to antinatal tomorrow for a reveiw.

April 3rd 2010
Had another appointment with the nurse today, her internal showed i was still sitting at 4cm.. so she did a sneeky stretch. Lord ol' mighty! That hurt! No pain after though. My parents are ringing every hour..

April 1st 2010
Slept well.. nothing. Zero zilch . nada... No movement at all.

Wednesday March 31st 2010

I meet with my OB to discuss my blood tests and iron levals. he seemed concerned and consulted the head OB for opinions. My iron levels had dropped from 139to 123 down to 113and 92 in a matter of weeks. Considering they should be a healthy 300+ he was worried . This big guy was takeing all my body could offer.

An iron injection wouldnt have been enough to bring the levels up to get me in the clear and an iron infussion could have turned bad if my body recated to the high amounts. They decided induction would be best.

With how my body works i was quiet prepaired to go in to labour alone. Stay at home for as long as possible, labour in my comfort zone then head to hospital to give birth. The sounds of being hooked up to drips and monitors was not up my ally. So i asked for alternitives.. I had reserched natural inductions and reqested minimal interference. They chatted for a while and offered a stretch and sweep.. Could have been worse. So i accepted.

I sat in the waiting froom with 5 other expecting mothers while they prepped an area. 3 out of 5 of them were waiting for internals..
About 5 minutes later i was called.. they all wished me luck.. haha
Both the doctor and the student obstitrition preformed an internal. The head OB stretched me to 4cm and in his chirpy voice said 'See you in labour ward to night!'

Throughout the day i had some cramping, but nothing concerning. By night , there was nothing.

Dear Phoenix

While most families at home either cooking dinner, putting the kids to bed or packing school lunches for the start of a brand new school term, Im basking in the glow of UV lights helping my 3 day old baby boy Phoenix beat his bout of jaundice. Phoenix made his grand entrance in to this crazy world on the 8th of April 2010, 5 days early at 9.45am , A very special birthday present to his nan, who he now shares his birthday with.

Unlike my last 2 labours, Phoenix’s was a mixed bag. #1 and #2 arrived spontainously a day before there due date. I arrived to hospital after labouring at home and had both within 20 minutes of active labour beginning. One was born in 22 minutes the other in 8 minutes. Natural, No drugs #1 7Lbs 12Oz , #2 10lbs 1Oz.

This is where it all began..

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