Is officially what i will STOP calling it.
Im going to type this blog super fast, have to have it done before 9.00 pm so you literally stand up, walk to your children's room, listen to them breath, whisper you love them and then head to bed yourself.
I've had a rough trot lately.. and today that ends. Tomorrow i let go of worry and anxiety and find peace in every single thing i have been blessed with.
Today i made the decision to make the most of what life has to offer and tell the universe it can fuck right off with these ridiculous hurdles it is swiftly throwing at me.
Today i woke up dreading what it may bring. First day of holidays.. All 3 cabin feaver-ish kids.. We pottered around throughout the morning while i prepped for a car boot sale tomorrow morning.
Phoenix was a bit whingy and clingy so i popped him in to bed. He sooked , laughed, played and whinged for about an hour on and off.
I finally realised he wasn't going to fall asleep and loaded the kids in the people mover and set off to take the bike to the bike shop to be repaired.
Driving there i realised the sun was in Master 5's face.. so i turned to check if it was also in Phoenix's who was behind him.
I turned back as it looked like he was squinting, i thought of stopping to hang a blanket to stop the sun from hitting him, but realised id taken every single item out of the car to fit the bike it.. no blanket.
I turned back to check on coming cars so i could merge around the round about..
Phoenix was blue.
In a matter of seconds he had stopped breathing.
Its funny, when you try and think of something, when you really need to think of something. Your brain gives you nothing.
In a space of 5 seconds. Which felt like an hour.. my brain told me it was the colour from his drink bottle lid, the reflection from his toy hanging from the door or a crayon..
While trying not to hit any other cars while going around the round about i kept flicking my head back.. screaming profanities..
I hit my hazards and started to honk my horn.. I pulled over still cursing over and over and while waving cars down i opened his door.
Then i froze.
The useless mum moment.
I couldn't move, i could touch him, i couldn't say anything.
All i could hear was his five year old brother screaming 'Make him breathe'
A car pulled over and ive never seen a woman run so fast.
I manage to scream 'Hes not breathing' then fell down.
Her husband quickly started to pat phoenix's back and he vomited litres and litres of fluid everywhere. Still gasping for his breath.
I couldn't move. I just sat on the curb sobbing, In another mothers arms.
My daughter didnt say a word. The look on her 2 year old face said it all.
My son, 5 years old, kept repeating the same thing over and over. 'Make him breathe'
He eventually took Phoenix out of his seat and on to the pavement and stripped him down. My angels gave me towels and we clean his seat and wrapped him up.
I felt like the words 'Thank you' had not enough meaning..
With my jelly legs and ice cold shaking hands i managed to get myself back in to my car. and even said to myself.. 'Are you going to work legs??'
I drove him straight back home and called the hospital.
They said the wait was at least 6 hours and perhaps phone the home doctor first.
I popped phoenix in to a bath and sat with him untill the home doctor arrived.
Phoenix has just finished his antibiotics for a chest infection and now he has bronchitis.
His oxygen levels are low and his chest sounds cloudy. Boarder lining pneumonia.
Normally a person take around 30 breaths per minute. He is taking 72.
The reason he stopped breathing was because his little body couldn't keep up.
If it happens again , Doctor has given us his report to take him straight to hospital to start on oxygen.
The point of me sharing this with you is this..
This morning i spent 2 hours telling my kids 'Just give me a minute'
I buried my head in boxes and cupboards.. on the first day of holidays.. neglecting the attention they deserved. I could have spent 2 hours sorting, during nap time.
I put phoenix to bed out of frustration with his clinginess and sat Miss 2 in front of the tv with a bowl fruit and Dora.
Every single second with your children means more to them then you will ever know.
They dont voice is, they dont make it known there appreciation. But they are at there happiest when they are on your lap. With out a phone in your hand, with out a laptop next to you.
Just you, and them.
Today, when i saw Phoenix blue i thought of 20 billion things i wish i had have done.
I wish id sat with him on the lawn with a full watermelon. No rules.
I wish i had showered with him.
I wish i had road him around the street on the seat of his sisters bike.
I wish i had stopped packing the containers in front of him, and let him play with them.
I wish i had layed on the trampoline watching the flight of bird scream past.
But instead, i had rushed around, ignored the cry's of my children and got my priorities wrong. I messed up.
I know and understand, i could not have prevented Phoenix choking. He is sick, that is why he choked.
But , what i he i never got to see him smile again. I never got to hear him smash my spoons and forks against my favorite saucepan?
I need to stop and love my children more then i ever have.
Its nearly 9pm. Your still awake, you have read my blog. Get up, walk to your babies rooms (big or small babies.. 1 or 21..)
Listen to them breath, give them minutes of your time.
Whisper you love them. And forgive yourself.