Saturday, December 31, 2011

Twenty Twelve..

I always thought 2005 was my hardest year. I became a young single parent of a new born and for the first time in 5 years relaunched my life.

Then along came 2010 .. By the end of 2010 i realized if i could survive that, then i could survive anything. We were blessed with a gorgeous big chubby bundle of blue love by the name of Phoenix who in a blink of an eye was hit with a bucket load of medical issues. A dodgey liver, talk of a transplant,  continuous bouts of bronchitis and pneumonia , a heart wrenching liver biopsy, countless hospital visits and continual sickness.. But, as a family we survived.

2011 was going to be our year.

We moved to the other side of the gold coast, set up our family in a gorgeous new home and started planning our wedding.

February i married the man who had stood by my side for the past 3 years helping to raise my son and blessing me with a daughter and a son of our own.
The day we became husband and wife was by far the most stressful event i have ever been a part of.

From designing and having my dress made, to decorating my entire reception with just my best friend / maid of honor (and a couple of friends who popped in) for over 100 people, i barely had time to breathe let alone enjoy the day ahead of me. To this day i wish i had only our family, a couple of close friends, a court house and a BBQ.

2011 I hit my first goal of being back under 80kg.. sitting nicely at 78!

I launched Birthography, which was huge step for me.

I had my first serious car accident that almost made me throw all my dream away.

I met new friends re-found friends and an amazing woman who made me a part of her established market and i took on new roles coordinating events.

My nan had her first ever santa photo taken. 4 generations together.

Phoenix's medical issues became more complicated and as he endured more and more invasive test, i started to become more and more doubtful of my faith in life.
I am a good person, I am good to others, i take care of my whole family and give more then i physically can, but i still do it.
Yet, i was given so many tests in such a short amount of time. More then my head could handle.

I started to withdraw from people, and bury myself in projects and work simply to take my mind of my crumbling life.
I neglected my husbands needs, my children's needs, focused on making phoenix better, and pretending my world was not falling to pieces.

And then that took its toll, My husband became depressed.
And because i became afraid of confrontation and truth, i wouldn't allow him in to my head full of hell. I
 was to proud to admit i was a total and utter mess.
And when times became un bearable, i silently self harmed.

He spent his nights on the Xbox, I spent mine on the lap top. Him in the lounge room, me in the bed room. Me hearing how his day at work was 2nd hand through conversations with online gamers. Writing my every thought in diaries and un published blogs. I was literally going crazy.

I craved happiness. I craved someone who understood what i was going through, or just someone to listen. And over the years of stress and arguing, i couldn't turn to him anymore.
I knew he was facing his own issues. And i had no where near enough strength to hold him up, as well as my children, and myself.
I just wanted someone in my life who could pick up the pieces and make me feel fresh again.

So i put an end to it all. And asked him to leave.

3-4 months ago this was the best decision. We were falling only more and more in to a state of depression and being around each other only brought yelling and fights. Not healthy for any family.

6 months ago, this was not all clear in my head. I was positive we just weren't soul mates, he wanted a life of rock and roll and i wanted the life of a happy family. We lost what each other wanted.
I wanted more then to feel like we were flat mates.
I craved being crazy in love again.

3 years ago, his life of rock and roll, and the excitement of joining him at shows and standing there the proudest person in the crowd, was perfectly balanced with waking up the next morning as doeting parents and a 9-5 job.
Some where along the line we lost that balance.

Its now 4 months post separation and time has helped us heal.
Weve spoken and cried more then we had in 4 years.

Weve screamed at each other (probably more at him, then him to me) begging to get our point across. And many avoided phone calls and hang ups.

I guess time is the only thing that makes life clearer.

I reached a point in my life where i have to live for me not what others expect or want for me. And i have learnt to live with my choices. Because when i wake up tomorrow, im the only one living this life.

We have decided counciling will work for us. A mediator to help us battle it out the right way and help us parent our children together.

How does one throw away so much, so fast without working hard to fix it first? You cant.
Were going to work hard, and were going to get help because at the end of the day, there are 3 kids that need 2 parents to be on the same page raising them with every single ounce of strength they have. And that has to be our promise to them.
And we need to know we've tried.

I spent last night, sitting with my husband.. making no resolutions, just sitting and appreciating. We didn't wait up for fire works, or to see the year in.
We just enjoyed.

So, i make no resolutions, or promises.
Just hope, That again i survive 2012 that we are happy, that my children laugh and learn and i continue to care for my friends and family.

Living day by day.. that's the only way life can go!
Im not going to plan weeks or months in advance, im just going to live and breathe.

I hope your year brings nothing but new happiness and strength. The power to over come anything thrown at you and the faith to know that even at its worst it can get better.

All i hope for is my faith back.




Friday, December 16, 2011

Three years ago...

I believe a photo tells a thousand words. That is why i have so many memories caught on camera. Especially when it comes to my children.

In the very early morning of December 17th 2008, im talking 2 -3am i had woken with terrible stomach pains. The night before i has demolished 3/4 of an over flowing container of self serve Chinese and 6 - yes Six krispy kream donuts while watching a moving episode of Greys anatomy. All by my lonesome while my son was at his usual sleep over at his granny's.

Back to 2 am.. stomach knotting gut wrenching pains.
Food poisoning. Great!

I crawled to the kitchen and downed a couple of panadol. Panadene forte i was soon to realize and climbed back in to bed.

When i finally awoke it was a sunny morning and around 6am. My stomach was tender.. but i had been partially sleeping on the toilet for a couple of hours, and didnt expect much less.

So i nodded back off. At 6.30am the niggly pain started again and as i layed there wondering whether to race back to the loo or let it pass, i realized id not felt a movement from my little bun since about 2am.

I hopped out of bed with thoughts of food poisoning my baby! And phoned the mid wife. She suggested coming in to have a check.

I phoned hubby who had stayed the night at his friends and after a quick call to mum, we all headed in.

We arrived around 7.30am and i explained what i had chowed down on the night before. It had either kick started labour.. or what i thought.. Food poisoning.

We sat around a while, me feeling like i was going to be sick, but i had realized what i thought was 'gut wrenching pains' could have quiet possibly been contractions?

At 8am the mid wife came in to do an internal. I was awfully uncomfortable but no where near the pain i felt with my first son, which was well and truly labour pains.

She proceeded with her internal questioning what kind of pain i was feeling.

I told her that i had been 'on the loo' for a couple of hours last night after my feast and that i was a little tender, so be gentle.

The the flood gates opened. My waters broke.. It felt as though she had inserted her hand right up there *Sorry dad* and was pulling my baby straight out..

We were told at 12 weeks, 18 weeks (Paid gender scan) 23 weeks and 29 weeks that we were expecting a boy.

4 pushes and 8 minutes later we were greeted with our surprise baby girl.

Addison-Dior Ada Elizabeth Finney
10lbz 1oz

3 years on and your still as fast as you entered the world, your not as chubby, but your defiantly still as cute.


Happy sweet 3rd birthday my dimpled angel