Today, and only today im going to allow myself to feel as though im 'Mother of the day' Its been a rough one.
Phoenix STILL, at 8 months old does not and never has slept through the night. He wakes about 4 or 5 times. So im running on empty, starting my day before 5 and simply 'go' because i have to. Who else will look after the kids eh!?
Anyways, today was hectic.
So far ive.. Been garage saleing at 5am to get 2/3 of the kids out of the house , Picked up for breakfast (which i got a whole bite of), cleaned my house , my kitchen, both loungerooms, 3 bedrooms , cleaned my garage, Swept and dusted, done groceries alone with all 3 kids, had yogurt tipped all over me, prepared Miss 2 's Party for tomorrow (It was her Birthday yesterday!) Blown up balloons, made party bags, prepped 20 jelly cups, made 2-3 weeks worth of home made foods for Master .8 cleaned a mammoth mess of suncream mixed with 2 year old child, then cleaned the aftermath of poop in the shower.. *sigh*
Im now sitting for 5 minutes to clear my head before sparking up the BBQ to cook dinner awaiting a tribe of people arrive at my house before heading off to the shark bar for my partner and his bands 2nd show. They will then leave, ill pop all 3 kids in the bath and shower, clean up, make bottles put them all to bed and start on the 20 cupcakes and 3 tier cake for Miss 2's cake smash. *Yawn*
(Which i have a question about.. How long does tinned whipped cream last on a cake? Should i just bake the bake tonight, let it cool over night, then cream jam and ice tomorrow? I would HATE for the cream to run! eeep!)
Anyways, Thank you... I accept "Mother of the Day".
Monday, December 6, 2010
I'm stuck in a rut..
I NEED to go back to work. We NEED a 2nd income. We survive on one, but we want to live comfortably. I want luxuries.
But i wish there was a way i could make more money, on top of that. From home, doing something i enjoy.
I'm stuck on 3 things. And Ive tried everything to make me decide.
Pulling paper out of a hat, Making my son chose, Making a rash choice! Nothing is working.
SO please, Ive got $100 (Monopoly money of course) to give away.. MAKE ME CHOSE! ( I'm putting money on MR 26 deciding for me so he can score my money)
Here are my choices.
1. Organic facials.
- It can be a before or after hours job. MR 26 works every day but Thursdays and Fridays. But is only home until 4pm on Thursdays.. so I'm not left with a great deal of business availability.
- Its can be mobile or home based.
- I believe and love the product i would use. Ive had facials before and thoroughly enjoyed it!
- I can also make extra money through selling the product i would be using.
- Facials and massage helps me stay calm and relaxed.
- Its only an hour at a time work. Which could possibly mean only a few hours needed at one time.
- The initial outlay is rather expensive.
- I may not have enough spare time to successfully keep it running.
- There may not be a need or want for it in my area.
- I have to take in to account time and fuel. And weigh up the cost of the facial, whether its actually going to be worth it.
- I don't have a 'room' to have set up permanently.
- I adore photography.
- I have what i need to start taking photos
- I have the time to edit photos while I'm at home with my children.
- I don't have the perfect gear to take amazing photos.
- I don't have a great deal of 'light' time to be able to take photos in the day light. MR 26 works 5 days a week, leaves at 7.30am and is home at 6pm and works weekends.
- Photo shop annoys the heck out of me.
- I'm to self critical.
3. Continue with what i do with my sewing.
- I have everything , Plus more, to be able to rebuild my business.
- I have many ideas and self drawn patterns i can start to put together.
- My best friend bought me a brand new sewing machine!
- I can do my sewing from home, any time, day or night.
- I can sell from home or through shops and markets.
- I seem to either has lost my passion or motivation.
- My sewing room / garage is atrocious.
- I have no game plan. I never stick to one idea and complete it.
- Ive got no faith in what i do.
- i cant find my over-locker pedal..Grrr..
So there you have it, my messed up confused little world.
Sitting here staring at my computer screen for the past 15 minutes has made me think.
Maby I'm so sour about my past 2 business ventures that i hold it against this one.
Not caring if the people involved read this, Ill fill you in.
My first was a small lived clothing label with what i thought was a friend. We clicked really well and our kids became close. I had only just had Miss 2 , so financially we weren't in the best position, living comfortably, just tight but i loved what i did just for some extra cash.
Pretty much to cover my spending on craft goodies.
My now ex friend wanted to take it to the next level and make it a business, not so much a hobby.
That, i was fine with. But being able to fork out the money they were needing for a website and products is where i fell short. I simply didn't have the money.
So, i politely told them i would go my own way. Keep what i did as a hobby, i wouldn't be there supplier and as this was my first ever work at home parent adventure i wanted recognition more then money. Something i felt they far from understood.
Things turned nasty. Hurtful words were thrown around, i was disgraced all over facebook simply because things didn't go her way.
Ive recently, after no contact for over a year (aside from an email to explain people thought i was still part of the business) found out some horrible things said about me. Lies and lies and lies. And i will defend myself to death because i don't deserve to be treated like that. Id done nothing wrong!
So, that was fail One!
Fail Two, I finally decided it was time to go out on my own, make my products and my products alone known to others. I had a huge support network behind me who had supported me through Fail One. Seen first hand the embarrassment caused.
Again, It went to much to fast. With help of an old friend we had a website up and running, talks about mass production and orders coming out of my ears. I couldn't keep up. I was so over whelmed, pregnant with Master .7 and 2 under 4! The whole structure was ridiculous.
I was on my own. No help. I lost my passion, i gained dread for making items and slowly started lagging behind until finally i screamed stop. I was done.
I completed orders and stopped all together. but my creative side was aching for some release.
I don't know how it all started, but I'm constantly needing an outlet.
Most of the time my brain is going a billion miles and hour and i just snap.
I think my 2 past experiences have put a low lying cloud over my current label. Its like I've run from 2 other ideas to finally find my feet now they are my shadows.
Not only did i lose 2 potentially successful business opportunities, i lost what i thought were 2 good friends.
I should have listened to MANY people. Don't do business with friends.
So, where do i go from here? My 'best' and 'ideal' route is my craft from home. But how to i rid my past to make it successful? How do i make structure? A happy and smooth path..
Will i ever be able to?
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Today i had one of the most emotional mornings in a long time.
He makes every feeling, worry , heart ache and fear ok.
Master 5 had his End of year / Christmas concert at school.
Emotions were in overdrive watching the moments you have missed while they are at school learning to be the best person they can possibly be with the help of amazing caring teachers.
At first i felt Proud, Excited and Amazed at what this clingy, whingey, sooky, refluxy , colicy, non sleeping baby boy had become.
A little man.
A little man, Who could sing, dance, remember lines and stand up tall with his class mates and best friends. Who has incredible manners and enough love for an army of people.
Then i became a little disappointed that i hadn't played a part in helping him at school. So Ive made a promise to myself. Next year i want to be more involved. Weather it be with reading, tuckshop or excursions. I want to be there. Helping him help himself.
I started to remember the nights i would lay there with a pillow over my head wishing i was someone else, some where else with no child, no responsibilities and forever sleep! Wishing i could run away and and live my life differently.
How i let him cry and scream while i sat in the rain , 3am , crying myself.
Wondering how i became a single mother in a blink of an eye. But remembering the days we were a duo. Just me and him.
I started smiling about the times we spent as a family of 3, Just Me, Him and Master 26, the road trips, the movies, the snuggles, the diggers and introducing him to new family and a new lifestyle.
Loving the moment i told him he was going to be a big brother, The look on his face when he knew he was going to have a brother or sister of his own.. And the look on his face when he met them.
Watching him walk in to the class room on his first day of school, Seeing his nerves, yet reassuring him i was never far. I would be there every morning and every afternoon, promising to ask how hes day was and to tell me something "new".
A promise Ive never broken.
Now today, Watching this independent, smart, gorgeous, loving , kind hearted boy standing in front of friends and family showing us how far he had come, with a smile that no one could take away, while i cried rivers of happy tears.
He is my son. The baby i birthed. The person i raised. The soul i carried and the child i will give my everything to for the rest of ours lives.
I will love him unconditionally. I'm the person i want him to turn to in every single time of need, because i understand him.
He makes every feeling, worry , heart ache and fear ok.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
So i hand made our Save the Date invites (thanks to google!) which i think turned out pretty darn funny, seen as tho it looks like MY FINGER IS UP MY NOSE! Thanks very much for pointing that out AFTER Ive printed 60 odd invites out.. Oh well.. gives it character yeah?
They were SO much fun to make, we just couldnt do the typical 'hallmake' invites.. It just wasnt us and after about 50 photos we chose the 4 we liked and used those. To us, it shows our personality and sense of humor. This is the kid of people we are.
Then we moved on to our wedding invites. I originally started a slide show, which i think we will now send as our Thank-you cards. This is a slide show with photos from the day we met and will include photos of our wedding.
Ill put them on DVD's and i picked up a bundle of cd sleeves from a garage sale for 20c cheap and memorable.
Ive put SO so so much hard work and effort in to our wedding as im doing every little detail myself, i decided our invites were going to be SIMPLE. So with the help of some creative minds we set to it. Having the invites printed on photos thanks to a great friend Cassi, and all other bits and pieces bought by my maid of honer.
I totally suggest making your own invites. Not only its is so simple and fun, its a keepsake and something that everyone will just love!
Friday, December 3, 2010
So, this entry started as a simple post on self worth, then ended up something along these lines.
Excuse the randomness.. Sleep deprivation.
I'm not sure if it all stems from my feeling of worthlessness from others, Or the fact that im purely not good at a great deal of things. Perhaps its my need to be 'Keeping up with the Jones' .
The need to feel needed. The feeling of importance.
But i have very little sense of self worth.
I know im a decent mother. My kids are fed, clean and alive. So i must be doing something right. My being a mother is my life. Yet Ive always needed an outlet to be Me.
I'm constantly critical of what i do, make and say. And at times it sends my mind into such a spin im physically sick.
Growing up i never felt the need to have a huge amount of friends. The craving of in fashions. I was just fine in my cargo shorts and black singlet.
I never owned a handbag, my money was forever stashed down my bra, and funny enough that's very similar to how i am today.
Although much has changed as my life journey took different turns and I've met friends along the way. Friends who build me up to feel important and needed. Loved and cherished. People who at first seem caring, fun and patient.
These people i built strong bonds with. Enough to accept them in to my own home and business ventures.
Then in a spilt second , without a hint of warning hammer me to the ground like a nail on wood. Pounding me with hurtful lies and cutting my feelings with their razor shape words, cursing at me through emails like a weak sack sitting behind a computer screen, with thoughts it wouldn't hurt me because i mustn't be human.
Making up stories in there own head to make dramas seem like the biggest thing that's happened to them in a long time. And then realising they are wrong.
Using lame excuses to apologise when i reply with simple lines to love life and stop hurting. But little do they know im sitting on my lounge with blood shot eyes a pounding heart and a blanket full of tears.
They don't know this! They don't care. They have said there piece, ive been there punching bag. They have vented and feel a fuck load better!
But me, im not. Im in a state of mess. With 3 children curious as to why mummy cant breath.
Why im staring at words on a computer screen sobbing like a baby. I want to stop crying, i want the pain to stop but reading the lines over and over hurt like hell.
But, I wont blame you. Ive allowed you to make me like this.
My battle to regain control of my life starts now.
For 26 years ive been taught to blame others for the way they make me feel.
I cant control them. I can control me.
I cant cut out there tongue as soon as they try to hurt me, a way of not allowing them to vomit there hurtful words on to me.
SO I refuse to take it. I refuse to let the hurt affect me.
I have 3 children who need there mummy's attention, affection, love, strength and head space. How dare you think for a moment i would let you take that.
Your lies will only make you look like a fool in the end. Trust me.. I know. I stand my ground, tell the facts and rebuild what you attempted to bring crashing down. I refuse to use the energy that belongs to my soul and my family. But because of my actions. On allowing you in to my life. I will use my rights and make your lies know.
Please learn from this.
Because now they all know the truth.