Excuse the randomness.. Sleep deprivation.
I'm not sure if it all stems from my feeling of worthlessness from others, Or the fact that im purely not good at a great deal of things. Perhaps its my need to be 'Keeping up with the Jones' .
The need to feel needed. The feeling of importance.
But i have very little sense of self worth.
I know im a decent mother. My kids are fed, clean and alive. So i must be doing something right. My being a mother is my life. Yet Ive always needed an outlet to be Me.
I'm constantly critical of what i do, make and say. And at times it sends my mind into such a spin im physically sick.
Growing up i never felt the need to have a huge amount of friends. The craving of in fashions. I was just fine in my cargo shorts and black singlet.
I never owned a handbag, my money was forever stashed down my bra, and funny enough that's very similar to how i am today.
Although much has changed as my life journey took different turns and I've met friends along the way. Friends who build me up to feel important and needed. Loved and cherished. People who at first seem caring, fun and patient.
These people i built strong bonds with. Enough to accept them in to my own home and business ventures.
Then in a spilt second , without a hint of warning hammer me to the ground like a nail on wood. Pounding me with hurtful lies and cutting my feelings with their razor shape words, cursing at me through emails like a weak sack sitting behind a computer screen, with thoughts it wouldn't hurt me because i mustn't be human.
Making up stories in there own head to make dramas seem like the biggest thing that's happened to them in a long time. And then realising they are wrong.
Using lame excuses to apologise when i reply with simple lines to love life and stop hurting. But little do they know im sitting on my lounge with blood shot eyes a pounding heart and a blanket full of tears.
They don't know this! They don't care. They have said there piece, ive been there punching bag. They have vented and feel a fuck load better!
But me, im not. Im in a state of mess. With 3 children curious as to why mummy cant breath.
Why im staring at words on a computer screen sobbing like a baby. I want to stop crying, i want the pain to stop but reading the lines over and over hurt like hell.
But, I wont blame you. Ive allowed you to make me like this.
My battle to regain control of my life starts now.
For 26 years ive been taught to blame others for the way they make me feel.
I cant control them. I can control me.
I cant cut out there tongue as soon as they try to hurt me, a way of not allowing them to vomit there hurtful words on to me.
SO I refuse to take it. I refuse to let the hurt affect me.
I have 3 children who need there mummy's attention, affection, love, strength and head space. How dare you think for a moment i would let you take that.
Your lies will only make you look like a fool in the end. Trust me.. I know. I stand my ground, tell the facts and rebuild what you attempted to bring crashing down. I refuse to use the energy that belongs to my soul and my family. But because of my actions. On allowing you in to my life. I will use my rights and make your lies know.
Please learn from this.
Because now they all know the truth.