Who i am.

Last night i cracked. It was major meltdown in my crazy world. Ive realised a few things. I have way to much going on. I don't get enough out. I need to vent more.



A few things about, Who i am.



I'm 26.

I'm a mum of 3. At the moment they are 12 weeks, 19 months and 5 years. Boy , Girl, Boy.

I wear black.

My hair is black.

My bag is black.

I feel like black makes me blend in with the crowd, but when i look around, I'm usually the only one in black.

Ive had a rough journey, But i appreciate the lessons Ive learnt. All tho i hold grudges.

My face does not suit a fringe. Even tho my whole childhood , i had a fringe.

I could ramble 10 things in 5 second of scrambled thoughts going through my head.

I clench my teeth in my sleep. To the point i cracked my tooth.

I have beliefs.

I'm easily inspired, but find it hard to inspire.

I'm gullible, but far from stupid.

I always trust my instincts. My dads advice.

i had my first child at 21. Was a single mum 6 weeks later and can not recall a time where i regretted it.

My mind ticks constantly. Google gets a run for its money.

I google alot.

I have a habit of never finishing projects.

I write lists. But i never get through it.

I love taking photos of moments that matter.

I don't want to forget the small things.

I hate my nails. My middle finger nail is bent from where my pen sits.

I learnt that Black is a shade, not a colour. Yesterday. From my 5 year old.

I know I'm a good mum, My kids are still alive. I'm just not sure if i know how to parent.

I'm a hoarder. That's a main issue.

My thoughts are organised. But i cant seem to organise my life.

I find one out fit that looks perfect. And wear it to death.

I want long straight black hair. But as soon as i hits my shoulders i cut it all off again.

I blog because it releases negative energy.

Ive had to distance myself from people who need me to much.

I need myself right now.

My children need me. My Partner needs me.

I'm so sleep deprived and sware every morning ill go back to bed for the 9am children's sleep. But never do. I should be in bed right now.

I thank people who have hurt me for teaching my life experiences, but i will never forget the pain i felt.

My chest breaks out in a heat rash when I'm stressed and run down.

I suffer major panic attacks and for some reason people don't see that as a problem. When i cant breathe. Thats a problem.

I like to lock myself away when things get full on, to regain my thoughts. I'm not running away.

Im to creative for my own good, and bank balance.

I wish my children didnt have so many unnessesary toys.

I want to teach them more.

I want to read to them.

I wish my mind wasnt in such a hurry.

My room is covered in so many clothes we can bearly walk in the door. Yet we seem to only wear one or two out fits.

My son is sick. And we still don't know why. To others, he seems fine. But his blood tests show otherwise. The doctors don't have answers, so they just test and test.

People can drink, smoke and use there whole pregnancy and birth healthy happy baby's. I stress over injecting my body with a panadol, and my children are born sick. That baffles me.

They say god only gives you what you can handle.. I think he mixed my name up with someone elses.

Facebook is the biggest waste of time ever invented. Its stolen so much time away from my family that I'm glad I'm away from it.

I need to spend more time and energy selling my creations in public places and not so much behind a computer screen.

I want to teach my daughter to sort buttons.

In my new house i want space.

Every nook and cranny of my home has some form of mess.

I'm going to line my walls with inspirational quotes and lyric that makes me smile.

I want to meet other parents.

I give alot and expect a little. Sometimes that bites me in the butt.

I want to go to play group.

I wish i didn't fear leaving the house with more then one child.

I wish my opinion mattered.

I have to apologise to my Mumma for stressing her out, Last night she thought i was dying. Sorry Bear.

I get defencive when i think people are trying to put me down.

I snap easy.

I remember alot.

Tattoo's to me are pieces of art work i can carry around all the time. I'm quite prepared to grow old and wrinkly with them.

Photos are my memories.

Ive accepted I'm not as strong as i make out to be. My insides proved that last night.

Fulfillment in life is making others happy. Smile. Knowing that there are good people in the world. But making people happy doesn't fix my life.

I need to fix my life. That is my project.

x

Would.Trade.Child.

For this!!


http://networkedblogs.com/5867U


.Heart.

♥

Di.

I am flying

I am flying

like a bird across the sky

I am flying

passing high clouds

to be with you

to be free

♥

My beautiful sweet hearted soul.

Im thinking of you every day.

My heart hurts to see how much you miss your dad. I know were miles away from each other, but if your ever feeling lost and sad, know im thinking of you.. Im sitting somewhere random, probably sewing or changing one of 2 pooey butts.. Wondering if your ok.

Weve seen each other good and rough times, stuck by and supported each other.

Only time will heal. Do not rush it. Grieve and remember him.

We love you.

xx

Phoenix

Who would have thought,
We’d be taking this path, walking together,Living this nightmare of our own.
Who would have known, you were that star, that sent us the strength, to yell we’ll get past this fight.
I thought it was you, the gift yet the trial, we have you now, you landed right where you belong.
We’ll keep you safe don’t be scared, it’s here where you will stay.
I knew someday that I would love, I didn’t know it would be so strong, But your worth it all.
Don’t stop, just keep running to the place that your soul fits, small but needed, your worth it.
Don’t doubt that.

I know at times it hurts; your heart is torn, the questions running through your mind.
Before you landed there were testing times, nothing prepares you for what lay ahead.
Rest assured that’s why your here,
right here and now, were here with you,
and were not leaving,
You keep running
Ill take you hand and guide you.
I understand you.

It’s taking time, but with us, so close, never far, you need not worry, were in your reach.
Here’s our gift, the gift of trust, we offer this to you no cost,
Rest those wicked thoughts.
Your worried mind that ticks and takes its toll on your tiny sole, with us were never far.

I knew some day that I would hurt; I didn’t know it would be so rough, but you’re worth it all.
Don’t stop, just keep running to the places that your soul fits,
small but needed,
close your eyes,
rest those thoughts,
rest your head,
we’ll be here,
right beside you,
never far.

Mixed feelings..

I'm sitting here typing out my pages and pages of mixed up papers that i called my blog while i was in hospital with Phoenix.

30 odd pages of feelings, thoughts and worries. Writing everything down seemed to help me understand it all better. Even though i was completely confused.

It makes me realise how hard it was living in a room, on maternity, with no baby. Knowing your child was in a humidi crib, alone, down the end of the hall.

So why do i feel like i want to do it all again? I would NEVER wish a special care baby upon anyone. Its heart breaking. And i honestly thought that, along with the painful pregnancy and excruciating labour would put me off babies for life. But it seems not.

I make excuses for how painful my pregnancy was with phoenix.

Addison was only 6 months old, so she was still a baby herself. Still waking for feeds, teething and all the other joys that come with little ones! A rough 'relaxation' pregnancy massage i suffered 5 weeks of migraines which left me hospitalised and on drips, then pregnancy induced varicose veins which turned my right leg blue! And after all that, i blame it on falling pregnant to quick.

There are 3 .5 years between Jett and Addison-Dior and i didn't have half the amount of problems i did last time round.

So now i have to keep reminding myself how tired i am. And tiredness makes me cranky, and a cranky mum = cranky kids. I need to give myself time to recover. Gosh, Phoenix is only 9 weeks old!!

Were still young, we have plenty of time. And if the time does come and it doesn't happen, then I'm blessed with 3 amazing children who will love me unconditionally for the rest of our lives.

x

Delilah Love.

Don't you worry about the distance
I'm right there if you get lonely
Give this song another listen
Close your eyes
Listen to my voice, it's my disguise
I'm by your side

Today was different to every other day. Very different. From the moment i set out to start what i thought would be a straight forward day, i had 'reason' people surround me.

To me, Reason people are those who are, obviously, there for a reason.

Today, my 9 week old baby boy Phoenix was tested for Cystic Fibrosis. Not fair on such a small child, but if higher powers thought i couldn't handle it, then i wouldn't have been blessed with my little guy.

Phoenix spent the first 9 days of his crazy life not swaddled by Mum and Dad, tucked under our wings keeping him warm and safe from harm. But connected to drips, monitors and basking in the glow of photo therapy in a humidi-crib. Not something you would see everyday..

A chubby full-of-rolls 10+lbs buddha, casting shadows over tiny babies in the special care nursery.

Phoenix's diagnosis was extreme low sugar levels, a heart murmur and severe jaundice.

He was in the best place possible, being looked after people who could do more then his worried daddy or i could do for him.

Since then Buddha, the name that hasn't budged, just cant seem to rid the jaundice. At his 8 week paediatrician check up his skin still showed the affects of the bilirubin. A touch concerning seen as though by around 4-5 weeks the liver should be mature enough to allow the body to become bile free.

The testing begins.

I remember the small thumb nail size vials of blood the would take from pricking his heals to check the bilirubin levels in SCN, now they are taking 10-15mls at a time.

Tests come back a little disheartening. His jaundices levels arent good. We are referred to the Gastro enterologist who sends us to have a 'Sweat test' done before we see him for a liver biopsy.

Today, we had that test done. The morning started a bit hectic. I powered through on little but enough sleep. Did the school drop then killed some time by Op Shopping. My favorite. Not something i would usually do with Kid in tow, but Phoenix is no trouble. We stopped at my mums fav store and i got talking a lovely lady. She showed me where the goodies were that i was looking for, and soothed a crying hungry Phoenix while i had a good rummage. She explained she had lost quite a few babies, but was blessed with a daughter. I could see how much love she had by the way she looked at my son.

I bought my goods, and headed off. As i popped Phoenix back in his car seat , Delilah caught my eye. Now those of you who know me, know Delilah is my master piece. Ive loved her since i cut her pattern out of my Mums well loved T-shirt. And for weeks shes been sitting on my craft shelf waiting to 'The right time' to go.

She was bound for the children's ward at John Flynn hospital, where Buddha was having his tests done. But someone had other plans.

I needed a pen and paper. I drove to the next Op Shop and spotted a card.

"The lord bless you, and keep you"

Inside i explained that I'm a part of a group that drop toys to random locations hoping to put a smile on peoples faces and spread random acts of kindness. Today Delilah was headed to the hospital where the baby she had just showed so much love to was having tests run. I explained we may never cross each other again, but in memory of her angel babies i would love for her to re home my doll.

I drove back to the first shop where i met her, Handed over the bag and walked away.

We were now bound for the hospital. I was about 45 minutes early so i headed up to see a few friends at the gastric banding clinic. They hadn't met baby #3 yet and were over the moon to finally meet him.

Carol, One of the receptionists who Ive know for years now asked if she could pray over him. I didn't mind at all. Mum and i sat there watching Buddha sleeping peacefully while Carol quietly prayed with her hand on his head.

Nor mum or i are religious people, but we can both honestly say right now that we felt what carol was doing. As she finished we saw phoenix 'jump' .. it took us by surprise and we looked at each other with big wide eyes! Haha.. Something happened.

I sit here now, with my 3 beautiful children wondering why today happened. Why i came to be around such 'reason' people. I guess only time will tell, and ill sit here now, whispering my own little prayer that our son will be fine. And if forbid hes not, then ive got the strength to get through this.

Kiss and cuddle your little babies. Whether they are 2 or 20. Human or furry.. Love with everything you have. And be kind those you don't even know.

x

-Delilah-

Testing times...

9 weeks and 1 day ago I was sitting exactly where i am now wondering in 'they' were contractions.. or just a false alarm. Not wanting to say anything to any one.. Just gritting my tear and bearing it.. Patiently awaiting the arrival of our precious little son.

I wish i could have foreseen the future.

When phoenix was born he had severe low blood sugar levels. Blamed so kindly by the nurse on me devouring packets of sherbet each day trying to deal with 'Pica'.

We were told he would spend about 24 hours connected to a drip of glucose, giving him the sugar he needed that he was no longer getting from me. 24 hours turned in to 48 hours. And finally we were allowed back to our room.
For the first time i was able to close my door, and snuggle skin to skin with my new born. It was then i noticed he was slightly jaundice. When i pressed his skin it would turn from orange to white. I mentioned this to the nurse in charge but she had no concerns. Our night together was lovely. We slept in the same bed and i fed on demand. At about 3am i was so excited to be going home i packed my room up while he slept.

Finally it was 7am, i was preparing him to get dressed in him going home out fit when i noticed he was 'glowing' . His eyes were yellow, his skin was blotchy and he wouldn't wake up.

Hospital policy is you can only 'wheel' your child around the ward in there bed. I picked him up, wrapped him in a blanket and hurried down to the nurses station. where again, he was whisked back to SCN.

By 9am his bilirubin levels were back and we weren't going home. Phoenix was put back on the drip , tube fed extra fluids and in to a humidi crib undergoing Photo-therapy.

He had the normal dose of rays from the crib and another set of 3 bulbs on top of that. We were to spend about 8 days in that room.

Paediatricians then found a heart murmur which at 9 weeks old, it still there. His jaundice has never gone. Neonatal jaundice is common, around 75% of babies will get it. A bilirubin level of more then about 85 will need photo therapy, Phoenix was 348. This is also known as Un-conjugated jaundice or clinical jaundice.
Phoenix now suffers from Conjugated jaundace. Meaning there is an underlying issue. Not just caused by being a new born.

So far we have run both urine and blood tests for Rubella, UTI,Toxoplasmosis and CMV (similar to glandular fever) , Hepatitis B which infects the liver. It lives in liver cells and also in cells of the immune system. When the hepatitis B virus infects the liver, immune cells are attracted to the liver to help fight the infection. These immune cells cause a lot of the damage that is caused by hepatitis B.

We've had Ultrasounds for Obstruction of the bile ducts inside and/or outside of the liver, and now a 'sweat test' for cystic fibrosis.

An electrode is placed over gauze containing pilocarpine and electrolyte solution that will not interfere with the sodium and chloride measurement. A second electrode (without pilocarpine) will be placed at another site and a mild electrical current will draw the pilocarpine into the skin where it stimulates the sweat glands on his inner forearm.

The arm is carefully cleaned and dried, then a piece of pre weighed filter paper is placed over the inner arm and covered with cling wrap to prevent evaporation. Sweat is collected for around an hour. While phoenix is being kept warm with heat packs and warm blankets, being carefully watch so he didnt over heat and fit.

The filter paper is retrieved and weighed to determine the weight of sweat collected. Its then sent to Melbourne, while we wait for the results. If not enough sweat was collect, we need to resit the test.

Next week he will be under going an xray on his vertebrea to test for Alagille's syndrome is a condition in which the liver contains too few of the tiny bile ducts which are inside the liver. This leads to blockage of bile flow, which causes jaundice.

And then were off to Mater children's hospital to meet with the gastro enterologist, where he will preform a liver biopsy. Its possible the large bile ducts are blocked, the biopsy shows increased numbers of the tiny bile ducts present in the liver.

From there.. I don't know where we go.

So we just hold hope.. That we get some answers. That hes not in pain and theres ways to fix this.

9 weeks young it to little to have to go through so much testing.

We love you phoenix.

x

Happy Wonderful Special...

Mothers day to all you beautiful Mums!

I thought id been spoilt enough at Jett's Mothers day morning tea.. Until this morning i was blessed with this..

Small soft kisses on his adorable chubby cheeks.. and i got an amazing smile in return.

Happy Mothers day!

xN

Close your eyes and follow me...

Were 4.9's exact words at our Mothers Day morning tea..

Mind you i was holding Baby .1 and pushing a mighty big pram.. So he took charge of the pram and i followed him in to his class room turned restaurant.

We were spoilt rotten! Anzac bickies made with wishes.. Pickets with many different jams, Tea, Coffee and hand made pressies galore!

The kids did a rehearsed dance for us then gave all us mummies a wonderful massage. You couldn't wipe the smile off my face if you tried!

He took my order and went and fetched me 3 biscuts and 4 pickets.. while all the other mums had one of each.. What? Breast feeding is hard work! Hahaa.. I think he actually piled the plate up so he could demolish it all! Then asked if i would like Tea or Coffee.. with sugar or without and milk or black. Now how grown up is that!!

I just had to share some photos (Mind you there on a camera phone as my lovely parents have taken my camera to Sydney..) ..He put so much effort in to making me feel special, and to me thats definatly BLOG worthy!

x N

♥

Ok..Ok.. Im back!

Obviously not as much as before #3 made his arrival, but ive got shocking Blogspot withdrawals and so im attempting a come back..

Gees! What to talk about, the only things that are swimming through my head are - Breastfeeding, Poo-ey nappies (well the lack of), weight gains (From number #3, not me.. thank goodness) and Nightmares... So ill start with breast feeding.

BFing lasted about 2-4 weeks with Master 4.9 and Miss .17 , With 4.9 i didnt even query the midwives when i walked in to find them bottle feeding him in special care. He was jaundice and under the lights for 24 hours on Day 5 and they thought they would 'let me sleep a little' and insted of waking me for his feed, they formula fed him 110ml. The outcome of that, We found out he was lactose intolerant.

I didnt have Internet access back then, and being 20 and pregnant i was the only one out of my close group of friends to be starting a family young. So i didnt have a very good support network. I had no expectations on labour, birthing or feeding. But when i found out i was expecting .17 , 3 years later.. i researched everything and anything!

My birth with 4.9 was wonderful, yet daunting. I laboured on my own as they sent my family home telling them i was hours off giving birth and i didnt think pain relief was an option untill your waters had broken.

When my waters did brake the midwife casually said to me "I suppose you had better make the call to the father and let him know he should come on in when hes up and showered, mind you this could go on for hours" .. 22 minutes later i was holding my new born son. I attempted putting him to the breast which he took to nicely, but not for long. I was so zoned out and in shock, it didnt bother me. an hour later I walked back to maternity and was left there alone for 6 hours. Not one doctor of midwife came to see how we were going, so i just layed there alone with my new born attached to my breast. Thats the biggest memory i have of that day.

At 4pm my parents and his dad came back up to see us. Followed closely by a handful of friends, our next door neighbours, who was also a nurse at the hospital, Master 4.5's great grand parents and work friends. This was the first time i had seen any doctor of midwife, when they came in to say everyone had to leave. I was so overwhelmed with the amount of people, but still had this new baby attached to my breast. Everyone left bar my parents and his dad. I asked mum when someone would be in to check on me, she asked if i had seen anyone and i said no. When i took 4.9 off my breast my nipples were cracked and bleeding heavily. I was in agony. When i eventually spoke with the mid wife in duty, she told me cracked nipples were something i would 'have to get used to' and to lay on my side and feed him if i get to tired. I felt as tho he was sucking and sucking and nothing was coming out. My nipples were dry, cracked and bleeding and his lips were so dry i could see the corners of his mouth building up crust. But everyone said it was 'normal'

Day 4 i woke up and noticed his eyes weren't as white as they were the night before and when i mentioned it to the nurse she snapped back with "You should have told us this earlier! Not day4!" and whisked him away to Special Care where the pricked his heal and tested his jaundace levels. His levels were 220 and he spent the next 24 hours in phototherapy. This is when the formula feeding occurred.

Who knows, maby it was a godsent that the did formula feed him, because if i had him latched on for one more hour i would have de-dripped myself and ran from the hospital. But if they had just worked with me in expressing and latching, then he wouldnt have had issues with the lactose. Thats all something ive had to put far behind me.

On finding out i was expecting Miss .17 i starting pregnancy and breastfeeding vitamins, ate very very well and stayed away from caffeine's, chocolates and ate very little takeaway. In hope that i would successfully breast feed her. She didnt want a bar of the breast from the second i had her. She wouldnt latch on and at 10lbs 1oz i thought she would be starving!

When the tested her blood sugar levels they told me i would have to make sure she fed every 2 hours to get the levels up. They were 2.8 and they wanted them above 3. I had a great amount of colostrum, it flowed out, but she just wouldnt latch on. We were released a day later, with her still not feeding, only to be back 5 days later. She had lost nearly 1kg and had screamed herself horse. The poor thing was starving herself. After over a week of pumping and bottle feeding her EBM, my milk supply wasnt enough to cover feeds, Her wonderful Paediatrician then used Elecare, a hypoallergenic formula to top her up. I also had full access to lactation consultants and councillors, which helped me under stand what was going on.

Up untill she was about 12 months old her weight gain was slow and sometimes non existent. on a good week she would put on 20g-50g on a bad week she might lose 5g-10g. But once she started those solids... She boomed!

At my first antenatal appointment with #3 i mentioned to the midwife all of the troubles ive had with the last 2, she put me in touch with the lactation consultant at the hospital. At my next appointment i met with her and could have sat there for hours and hours probing her for information! She was amazing. She then worked with me , one on one right up untill i left hospital and i still talk with her every week. I mentioned to her i didnt feel like i had enough skin on skin time with Miss .17, and that i felt rushed to get her to feed. We wrote out a 'Game plan' (Flexible birthing plan) So this time things would go home i wanted it. Birthing wise, i wasnt phased, Id had 2 wonderful fast labours before and if by some chance i needed a Cesarean, it didnt bother me. It was the after care i worried about. So we stated i would like a whole hour skin to skin time, Unless medical reasons forbid it to happen. I would like for bubby to latch on it its own time. I didnt want the midwives shoving my breast down its throat. And i wanted for my lactation consultant to be notified that id had bubs, so she could come straight up. All of those requests were met. Mr 26 phoned her as soon as i was back in my room and she came up about an hour later. All in all, The 3rd experience was wonderful. Im feeding him from both breast and then topping him up with Neocate, which is very very similar to Elecare. Im on motilium to increase my supply, which im thinking of changing to Maxalon as ive heard its better. I pump after feeding as i feel hes not stimulating my breasts enough to make a great supply. Im adamant im going to stick it out. I know in a few weeks when hes more alert hes going to become a better feeder and i want to be able to do my best for as long as i can.

#3 Pooped every single feed without fail, untill about a week ago. He went 3 days without pooping and we could tell he was in a LOT of pain. I asked the health nurse what we could use and she suggested infant suppositories and coloyxl. We gave him a suppository after his bath and within 5 minutes he had fill 2 nappies! He then went another 2 days so my mum gave him another while he was with her and he filled 3 nappies. Talk about backup! Tomorrow ere going to buy some coloxyl drops as i feel like im violating him! *Sad face* .. A bit of useless info.. Brown sugar and water.. big No No. All it does it irritate the bowl, and if bubs is constipated its just going to put them in more pain. Coloxly drops coat the stool which helps it come out easier.

I dont know if its the lack of sleep, but last night i had such a 'real' dream.. i wouldnt say it was a 'nightmare'.. more of a dream that made me sad. But the thing that scared me the most, is that it was just so real! It was set in my home, and my loungeroom was exactly the same, everything was in its place and i was walking out to get #3 a top up, where everything was where i have it now.. Bizarre. Ive also been clenching my teeth at night which has given me a shocking tooth ache. I cant have anything cold to eat or drink without a horrible pain ripping through my mouth for hours. Dreaded dentist time i think!

Anyways, its good to be back, its taken me 5 and a half hours on and off to complete this, but i feel SO much better getting it all out. Ive never expressed how i felt about my previous labours before, and i feel a lot less stressed about it now.

Better go feed the not so little guy!

x N

"He's" here!!

Welcome to the world Baby Phoenix!

10Lbs 2Oz - 4.590kg

Natural 45 minute drug free birth.

08.04.2010 - 9.45am









Will sit down and blog blog blog when i get a spare hour... LOADS to blog about!!

Today feels a little ..Eary!

So its Monday the 5th of April. 8 days until my due date and for some reason, it just feels odd.

We have a system with my family that hasn't skipped a beat in nearly 5 years. Unless someone is sick with something contagious my amazing parents take Miss .14 every Monday for the night and Master 4.9 every Tuesday for the night, as well as pick them up from school and day care and take them both to swimming lessons. They have done since 4.9 was 6 weeks old and .14 was 9 weeks old. We live about 5 minutes away from each other and it has always given me the quality one on one time needed for both kids. And it wont change when the next one comes along.

Although the starting time on when mum has #3 over night may be longer as I'm determined to breast feed. Mum has allowed me to have 6 children, she just wants 'One' night to her self to wash all the sheet.. Haha

(Even tho she has said by the time i get to #6, Master 4.5 probably wont want to stay any more which will then leave his night free for another.. Yes.. My mum adores my kids!)

She has everything the kids need at her house, Cot, bed, clothes, formula, bottle, bikes, toys.. everything!

Back to the 'eary-ness' .. Tonight could possibly be my LAST night in a long long time i get to have just Mr 4.9 (And Mr 25) in the house. Our last night of being able to hang out, watch home and away while laying in bed, and fall asleep together.. with no other children in the house. And the same with Miss .14 tomorrow night.

I also haven't been able to stop eating ALL day and i think it might be my body storing a good supply of foods. Ive had crackers and cheese and sandwiches and fruit, (Wizz Fizz..).. And for dinner last night i put so many veggies on my plate i didn't think i could possibly finish it! But i did!
(Even after miss .14 planted her food right in the middle, then splashed her hand all over it!.. Go on Mr 25.. Laugh out loud.. i can see you giggling..Grrr)

Its 1.45pm and all i can think about is dinner and passion fruit sorbet for desert! GAH!

Wednesday mid-morning Ive got to see the doctor to talk possible further induction.. He was so confident the Stretch and Sweep (Strip and Stretch) would work and i would be in that night having a baby.. 6 days later, bubby is still chillaxing!

I met with the female nurse last night in the maternity ward who did a speculum as alot of my plug has fallen away, which also never happened with the last 2 pregnancies. She did an internal to see if my waters were still in tact. Which they were but could see i have lost 90% of the mucus covering my bag of waters, and the head was well and truly 'down there' ! It all seems so so interesting! I was very tempted to ask if the could swing the mirror at the end of the bed open so i could have a look!
I probably would have passed out though!

Over night i felt No pains, Now tightenings, Nothing. Just the constant urge to pee!

I asked her what she thought they would look at doing on Wednesday and she explained because I'm approx 2-3cm possibly more, they would just break my waters and put me on a 'Drip' .. Now i don't know whats in this 'Drip' but i don't think its good, as she didn't want to go in to detail, and I'm way to scared to "google" it..
If anyone knows.. feel free to tell me.


Now, I do have a good feeling about the 7th tho, which will be Wednesday. So hopefully.. Tuesday night BEFORE induction, things get started and i wont even need to go to my appointment!

The number 7 means alot to mum and i - She is the 25th- 2+5=7 , I'm the 16th- 1+6 = 7 , Master 4.9 was born the 27th, Miss .14 was born the 17th.. So all i need is a 7 bub!
(Just a little piece of useless information for you all!)

Now, I know honestly my body i just not ready. I have both previous babies a day before there due date, Spontaneous, natural, no intervention, very straight forward and fast births. So as far as i can tell, my body is wanting to do that again. But it doesn't understand the circumstances are different this time. My insides aren't coping. My iron is draining day by day and I'm getting weaker and weaker and when the doctor See's I'm still carring this bub hes not going to be happy.

I lost a fair bit of blood with Miss .14 as she was a big bub (Over 10lbs) and with labour being so fast i did score a 2nd degree tear. They said if i lose half the blood i did with her, ill need a transfusion. So Wednesday (if i make it) , we will know whats happening!

Ok, enough rambleing.. im off... i have a list of things to do.. I'm very much still in nesting mode and HAVE to get things done before I'm out of action.

So i better get to it, and hope this odd feeling wears off.

x N

THREE..TWO..ONE... J.U.M.P!

A quick congrats to my awesome brother and his best mate (My un-official adopted brother) for a gutsy 12,000 foot jump out of a perfectly working aeroplane this morning!

He celebrated his 18th Birthday on April 1st and while hes home for the holidays he hired a unit in surfers and sky dived!

Happy birthday little brother. Watching your jump was amazing!

x N

The controversial facebook status..

Circumcision.. Yep I said 'That' word! The word that send most women (And the occasional man) in to a head swirling spin!.. Or is that just me?

A bit of back ground.. Master 4.5 (Previous relationship) is NOT circumcised. For many reasons. I checked him out from head to toe when i first gave birth to this little pink buddle of perfectness and along with everything else, his penis was in A1 condition.. He’s ears, eyes, button nose and tubby legs. He had all 10 fingers and all 10 toes. 10/10 in my opinion.

While trying for children I realised raising them to be self reliant adults was not going to be easy, but I was prepared. It starts with teaching them manners ' Peeease and Tah' then it’s on to the harder stuff like bathing, brushing their teeth, putting rubbish in the trash, wiping there bum and in Master 4.5's case, Cleaning his foreskin. All of the above, not an issue in this house. He is a well mannered, well groomed smart little man that will yell from the shower every night "MUM.. I don’t have an erection!" ... yes... I said Erection. My reply "Infection honey.. Do you have an INFECTION?"

So we’ve got to get a few things ironed out, but since he was 2, master 4.5 has known to clean his foreskin.

While pregnant with Miss .14, her father (Current partner, different father to 4.5) and I would have many discussions on the "pros and cons" of circumcising. I am 150% against.. I would say he is..Maybe... 97.5% for it. I’m ALOT more stern on the fact I DO NOT want it done, then he is for wanting it done.

I must say, I breathed the longest sigh of relief when I heard the words 'Meet your baby daughter'

#3 is due in 10 days. And if I know my body as well as I do, it’s any day now.
So tonight I put it out there. If #3 is a boy, I am not ok with circumcision.

Let’s just say our house was a little rough for a few hours (and still slightly is). Not in a bad way.. Just in a way where we should have been on separate benches with a middle man.

I updated my Face book status with -

" WARNING- Controversial status... Were having a ‘Disagreement’.. "IF" this baby is a boy, Mr 25 is pro-circumcision ... I am totally against. How the heck are we going to solve this! ... I think I’m just going to move out. Advice anyone? Would it be deemed legally 'ok' to run away with the kids... so it can’t be done??"

And had some great 'For and against' replies..

A- Leave the poor doodle alone unless it necessary I say... Tell Mr 25 he has to slam his doodle between two bricks to sympathise with the bubbas pain and pray to god it’s got girl bits.

A- Leave it be! Stand your ground.

S- I don't think most hospitals will do it now unless there's a good medical reason or you're Muslim.
Ask you middy. Bet she says they won't do it!

D- Only certain peads will do it
and most of the time only for a medical or religious reason.

S- Google how they do it and show him. i think he'll change his mind.

J- Show him this website http://circumcisiondecisionmaker.com/ Made me decide to NEVER circumsize my son after seeing that website.

S- And as for it being 'pain free' what a load of horse shit. The neighbours kid screamed for days after his so did the twins. Just coz you cant remember it Doesnt mean it didnt hurt.

H- i know ur against it and please dont take this the wrong way but theres kind of a old mothers tale/rule what ever the father is thats what his son should be... sorry .

R- no need for it! and true most docs wont do it now hence the reason its not needed. for those who say it dont hurt.. u tube it and see how much it hurts!!! they have heaps about it and just the needle alone hurts them, an even then they still feel the pain.. it is not nesseary if you can clean your elbow they can clean thier foreskin...also it can turn out for the worst and have permanent damage for ever and for wat jus so he kite look like someone else????? i wouldnt.

J- Over here in NZ even you have to really dig around to get it done and even the midwives are against it, I never got my son done and his father is against it too after seeing its not needed and what they do to the child.

D- well i would get my son done if i could find one as his foreskin is tight and the drs said he would be ok but might get infections and try teaching an autistic kid how to clean a forskin might be an issue but i cant now as there isnt any drs in wa that still do them spose time will tell.

C- If i burned my son with a hot iron he wouldn't remember it either, but I wouldn't do it because like circumcision , a) It's cruel and b) it is not necessary.

What if my husband lost a thumb? Should I cut off all of my sons thumb to look like dad?

There are THOUSANDS of nerve endings in the foreskin that he will use for sexual pleasure when he is older. Sure you think "but I don't use mine and I have sexual pleasure just fine" that is because you have no clue what you are missing....

His foreskin will PROTECTS the urinary opening and despite popular belief, helps aid in stopping things like UTI and stuff.

It also aids in lubrication, less friction and sexual pleasure since the most sensitive part of the penis is the foreskin.

Mother rule/tale is a crock of shit.

Watch the video Mr 25... Seriously and seriously consider what you would be removing from him. It isn't yours to take.

C- Im shocked my husband was and still is pro circumsision but I wouldnt agree we now have 3 kids all boys eldest is 8 and not one is done!
Just say no and dont let it happen.
And the excuse if the dad is done the kid should be what BS.... That is the dumbest reason i have ever heard

C- Oh, if you think it's ok to do a boy, line little Miss .14 up too. Because what's good for the goose should be good for the gander.

B- I'm Due in less then a week *figerss crossed* He decides to come on time and not late.
I didnt even think about this topic till my foster Mum asked me so i came home and ask my Partner what he thought. He said we should leave it for our child to decide if he wants to get it done or not, I thought thats a good idea cos i didnt know exactly what ... See Morehappens so i did look it up, It looked Horrible! Poor little Babies.
My partner hasnt had this done he has had no problems what so ever.
Hope you can figure this one out. I would say not to but thats me. Good Luck!

J- Id stand your grand. My hubby is circ and when we found out that jack was a boy he said he didn’t want him circ, so our boys are all natural.

D- well, this issue certainly generated a lot of comments... some very valid points raised - have to agree with the argument that "like father like son" is weak especially when Master 4.5 is not done. Both my boys were not circumcised with virtually no problems experienced - some brands of soap were a bit too harsh for them. However my nephew was not done either and due to complications of many serious infections it was decided he would be at age 8 - very painful for him and it took some time to heal. I also remember when D was in special care nursery for jaundice there was a new born boy who was done and he had contracted a very serious infection and my god did he look ill - all for a circumcision.

R- Ok...just thought I would add my two cents in too. I have two boys and one husband. Husband is circumcised and my boys are not. Not ONCE has one of my boys ever asked why their penis does not look the same as their dads.Also. my eldest son has had two little infections when he was younger and i took him to see a specialist about whether i should get him done...specialist said no...there was no medical reason for it at all....(he was even jewish!!). he has not had any further probs. i know its a touchy subject and everyone has an opinion on it, and at the end of the day, its up to you both.little girls in parts of africa are circumcised...and their mothers are too...does it make it right???? good luck in your decision!!

R- we got T done one week old. We got it done across the road from the Hospital as the hospitals themselves won't do it. I understand your point if view, but hubby got a bad infection at 8 and got it done then and was so painful. They put numbing cream on T 2 hours prior, then he had him in there for less then 5 mins. Don't know if he cried in there but was fine when he came out. It took 2 weeks for the ring to fall off and I put cream on everyday. It looked red and swollen but it didn't bother him at all. Be aware it costs approx $550! But either way good luck with your decision, T wasn't bothered and I don't regret it :-)

A-Stay strong!
More important for him to just look like 'him' :) Than, Daddy. No offense to your Man.
A foreskin shouldn't be removed for insubstantial reasons.
(What’s fashionable, cultural, traditional etc).
It's never removing just a foreskin anyway, it's taking away so much from a penis that is absolutely, physiologically necessary.
Little boys, especially! Need their foreskins to protect the glands of the penis.
Leave little boys intact, leave them with what they were biologically designed to have. Give them their divine right to have a say in their 'bits'.
I understand young boys/adult males, can have problems with infection occurring. Cross that bridge when need be.
Just because a baby can't express their concerns doesn't give us a right to inflict such pain. Circumcision is only ever necessary, when deemed medically necessary.
Appendix can explode and the toxins can kill you within the hour... Yet we don't remove an appendix at birth. In fact, the statistic of an appendix burst is probably just about as equal as the statistic of an infected foreskin and the failure to treat it.
Infected Ear, kidney, bladder being far more common. You might say, "Yeah, but we need those to function".
Well, our Men need their foreskins too. Removing them is just forcing them to adapt without it.

Heck, what's the statistic for a girl getting Thrush or other infections of the genitalia? It's certainly high. So high that in fact we have a handful of advertisements dedicated to the awareness of treatment and control. We don't promote female circumcision based on that incredibly high infection rate so why should we for Men?
If Male foreskin infections were THAT big of an issue within our modern day man, don't you think we'd know about it..?

Thankfully the percentage of Circ Men vs Intact Men has come down significantly within the last decade. I think it's resting somewhere around the 20% range, nationally speaking, compared to 50% + which was a decade ago.
Finally, Australia is realizing how unnecessary it is.

J- I know so many boys/men that never had it done they were all shown how to clean it but still get infections. You will get an infection at least once. It’s not nice trust me.
Jordan isn’t done and that was only because the stupid doctor wouldn’t give us the referral for it and after having a fight and seeing another doctor he was too old by one bloody wk.
We are still getting him done not for the reason as oh it looks better but as a health reason.
everyone has their own judgment on people that get it done, which is just plain and simple rude every mother and father have a right to choose what they think is the best thing for their son without getting the nose in the air and told oh no that’s not right oh that’s wrong.
does that mean ivf shouldnt be allowed because thats not a natural conception? no because those people have a right to have a family and be happy with out people judging them
same with circumcision. dont judge people.
Hubby is with Mr 25, the same as you like father like son. Our son will hit and age where he will be why am i different than you daddy why arnt i the same.
so im backing.
but in the end your his mum to so you get a say as well.
try not to fight over it. things happen for a reason. Decide when (he) is born. no use fighting over it now if he is a she or do you know she is a he? lol

R-health issues from not doin it are the same if you dont brush your teeth you with get infecdtions in your mouth derrr. its a matter of keeping it clean... its not hard people!! nic im totally with you on the whole bath thing. and god if their is gonna be surgery just for wat it looks like ohh heck!

J- like i said every parent thinks different. dads thats arnt done dont want there son to be done. not FACT but most. just like dad's that are done want there son to be done. now i dont see anything wrong with a father and son being the same either way.
im not saying keeping it on will result in getting alot of infections buts it is FACT that boy's and men get more infections if they still have the foreskin. FACT!
so R let me guess if you (have) a son or will have a son he wont be done... most prob your (hubby/boyfriend) isnt done.
men will be men like father like son.
just like most women out there get their daughters ears pierced because they did
not a bad thing but there right as a parent to make that choice!

R- Wow crazy opinions!!! I don't feel it's wrong or bad, my son didn't cry it didn't bother him and I sleep at night just fine. Everyone is getting very passionate about this topic which is ok, but there is alot of slamming of it being done, everyone has a right to make their own decisions and shouldn't be made to feel bad just coz they chose to get it done.

B- Wooooo look at your status go! lol. ;) Hubby is done but our soon to be born son will not be. :) We both do not see it as necessary anymore with the information available to us now. Just because it was done before, doesn't mean you have to continue the tradition.

SO.. They were just SOME replies.. i think there’s close to 70 now.. Here are a couple of my replies and sorry to those who i may offend, but as i stated, Its something im totally passionate about.

- If 'he' needed it done at 5 or 8 yrs old then it would be more of a medical reason to have it done, and they would do it a different way to what they would when he is a new born.
You don’t seen people getting their ears chopped off at a young age simply to avoid ear infections..

Maby everyone should have their teeth removed so we don’t get tooth aches..
Sorry! I’m so so against it..

AND 'why' should it matter about 'looks'.. What if Mr 25 had one arm? Or was born with facial deformities.. Should the baby then be like its father?
What difference is it going to make to their relationship?
And if its all about looks, that it has to look the same, then that’s a crock, because i don’t think Miss .14 have EVER seen Mr 25's bits, and the baby would bath more with 4.5 then her dad.. And 4.5, obviously, is NOT done. He would be more curious as to why his brothers looks different..

It’s exactly what you said its an 'old wives tale'

So, that was about 3 hours ago and its still going. I know at the end of the day its something only Mr 25 and i will decide, BUT it has been good knowing others opinions and experiences.

25, has now resorted to the couch with a block of chocolate and the Wii, refusing to talk to me.. So id better head over there and try talk this out before bed.

Look forward to more experiences if you would like to leave a comment!

x N

I couldnt have said it better myself..

I often wonder if my blog actually 'hits a spot' with readers.. Not that it really matters.. My blog is "My" outlet.. "My" time and "My" thoughts.. I follow a ton of other blogs and when i came across this one tonight.. she took the words right out of my mouth!


http://fatmumslim.blogspot.com/2010/04/why-blog.html

I don't know and have never met Chantelle, but visit her blog frequently.. Seems we think along the same line too!

My camera is never out of reach, I capture the most random moments because i know i will never see them again, The note pad in my phone has the most odd 'part' messages about foods i want to cook and things i need to talk about. Ive banned myself from having net access on it. If i did, i might as well glue it to my palm. I have an itouch which i can use to check comments and write small replies, but thank goodness it takes far to long to type a blog entry on!

I only know the very very basics of blogging, and if there was a class on how to use blog spot, i would book in straight away.. Actually, right now.. I'm going to learn the features of blog spot!

So there. I blog because its for me. May not be for everyone, but i LOVE it.

xN

Mum.. Whats the green stuff?

Another one of Mr 25's little cooking projects.

Chicken and Veggies (Lolly) meat balls!

And Oh.. my.. goodness.. NOM NOM!

AND i have not note- Mr 25 was blubbering like a little baby while chopping this onion!

The secret mixture... Shhhhhh...


The line up!

Mixture, flour, egg, bread crumbs...

Even ball hand rolled with L.O.V.E ... Hey Mr 25?

And the final product, Cooked in the oven on a chip tray. No oil.

We just had to do a taste test of before serving to the prince..

Delicious!

After making the home made chicken breast nuggets, Mr 25 was on a mission on to make another dish.

This time choc full on veggies.

We used Chicken mince, zucchini, carrot, onion and spinach. All chopped finely, rolled in to balls and crumbed.

The nuggets went down a treat, even Miss .14 demolished some! And 4.5 finished his dinner, her left overs and even scavenged for some more! We were hoping the chicken balls were going to be a hit too.

We quickly mentioned to 4.5 what he was having for dinner, but didn't fuss to much over it. Just simply said they was 'Chicken nugget balls' And left it at that.

We served them up with a side of BBQ sauce, dimmed the lights so he couldn't see the mix of coloured veggies and held our breath. I pottered around the kitchen trying to peer over to the dining room table and Mr 25 sat close by. He poked and prodded for a bit, then finally took a bite.

"Mummmmm...Whats the green stuff?" He asked.. Trying to beat Mr 25 to it, and him doing the same with both said "Crushed lollies, But don't tell any one!"

Phew!

And away he chomped.

So we may have said a teeny weeny little fib, But did dinner get finished?

Yep. *Two thumbs up*

x N

Ive never like tomato soup.. Yuck!

Until one night i had a dish at a friends which had been made in (unknowing to me) Tomato Soup!

Today, I still couldn't possibly eat a bowl of it, but i have a new found love of cooking meals with it.

The dish i made a few nights ago with the meat in gravy, i also use for this one too. Just swap the chicken for meat. Lamb shanks work extremely well for this one!


But tonight, Baby and I want chicken!


This is my first attempt at making this, and the recipe is coming straight from my cravings.. so ill do my best at explaining it.



I'm using a cup and a bit of frozen veggies. I'm not a huge fan of the frozen stuff, but at the moment.. its all we have in the freezer!


Ive thickly sliced some Capsicum and onion and the reason Ive done them think is because they cook very well when in the mixture like that.



Pour half a tin of soup in to a oven proof dish and lay the chicken breast down. sprinkle veggies over the chicken and soup, then tip the rest of the can in.


Lay the onion and capsicum down and pour the other tin. (I use 2 tins and sometime a half a can of water so i can use the sauce as a 'gravy' over my spuds)


Simply put in the oven and bake for about an hour and a half. And tonight i served it with smashed spuds (A new family fav!).

Even Miss .14 demolished her dinner!

And Mr 25 has just polished off the above...

I 'think' it was a hit!

xN

Spreading the LOVE.

While pregnant with Master 4.5 i had no concerns as to how much i could possibly love a person. I was in a long term rocky relationship and all i focused on for 9 months was how much i was going to absorb this little person and invest all my love in to him.

When i gave birth to him, even tho my photos tell a different story, I instantly loved this tiny screaming scared little boy. I wanted to wrap him in his bunny rug and run far far away from everyone. I just wanted it to him ME and HIM.

Our hospital stay was longer then expected, but it gave us all the 'alone' time we wanted. I craved the 'mother no-visit' time.

It didn't bother me the slightest that i had to rock him to sleep, walk the hallway at un-godly hours or feed for hours on end while sitting on the lounge watching Big Brother Up late. I gave him my everything. There was nothing i wouldn't do for this child.

Master 4.5 and i then spent the next 2.5 years a duo. My best friend and i living life our way.

I met Mr 25 when 4.5 was just over 2 and a half.. 4.5's bio didn't have a steady relationship with him and Mr 25 took on the fathering roll. Teaching him how to use the toilet and parting with his dummy.

Me on the other hand, I had to learn to spread the love. I'd 'seen' other people before, but this was my first 'serious' relationship since 4.5's father.

I struggles for months. Trying to kick off a new relationship, while trying to make sure i didn't miss a minute of my baby boy growing up.

Ill admit, i found it very very hard to make it an even balance. At times i felt like i was passing 4.5 off to my parents to spend more time with Mr 25 or i was neglecting 25 to spend more quality time with 4.5 .. It wasn't easy.

I think we had mentioned once while having a general chat, that one day it would be nice to give 4.5 a sibling. And I'm 99.9% sure it was that night we conceived Miss .14

The memories of learning to spread my love around came flooding back. I felt like every time something new came in to my life, Master 4.5 to another step back. And that devastated me.

He was meant to be my #1. My everything. But now i had to not only share my everything, but i had to share myself.

I knew straight away that he was going to be an amazing brother. For some reason i knew he wouldn't be the jealous type or spiteful. And it shows how well i know my son, as there as never ever been a day where he has shown a nasty side to his sister. From the moment he met her he's loved her. He was 3.5 when i gave birth to her.

She had a very rough start to life which kept us in hospital for weeks. Again, more time away from 4.5 and him being passed around to anyone who had time on their hands. Something that i had no control over. But still, i spent many night in tears because i wasn't with him.

Master 4.5 was the first person to know i was expecting #3. I firstly asked him what he thought about having another brother or sister. And his response was 'Only if its like my sister'

About an hour later i put his hand on my stomach and told him there was a baby growing in there. We spent hours and hours that night talking about what the next 9 months was going to be like. He has followed our pregnancy step by step. From blood tests to ultrasounds. Its been an awesome age for him to understand it all.

I'm now 14 days from my expected due date. And the feelings have overcome me again.

Master 4.5 now attends Prep 5 days a week and is at his dads every other weekend, which doesn't leave a great deal of 'Mummy - Son" time.

Before he started prep every Monday when .14 was in day care we would have a day to ourselves. We would go road tripping, i would take him out for dinner, time zone, swimming. But lately things have changed. I'm tired, hes tired. Instead of late night swims and random trips to cold rock and crazy hours, we are laying in bed watching Home and Away. Which he now trades to go play in the lounge room with Mr 25. Were both moody and in probably less then 2 weeks there is going to be a brand new baby thrown in to the mix of things.

Everyone who knows 4.5, will tell you, He is extremely eager to meet this new addition.
I keep him up to date with my hospital appointments and he is always rubbing and kissing my bump. I just hope deep down he understands how much he is still my everything. As much as we argue like cat and dog, hes always going to mean the world to me.

I don't ever want to cuddles in bed to stop, i don't ever want him to lose his affectionate side, i want to hear 'I love you mum' for the rest of my life and the sound of him laughing with his sister until they are out of breath will always melt my heart.

Miss ,14 has very much turned in to a Daddy's girl. I think alot has to do with her being a boisterous little thing and Dad is able to rough around alot more with her then i can. But all in all, shes become very attached to Daddy.
As long as her slobbery kisses and hearty laughs don't stop, Ill know theres a soft spot in there for me.

Mr 25.. well i really feel for him. Ive lost all affection, it hurts to be touched, i groan every time i move, i whinge and my body is just so tired i end up in bed hours before he does.
I toss and turn all night and have no idea how he even functions at work if i wake him up every time i have to run to the toilet!

The only way i find i can show him I'm grateful is by keeping the house live able and making sure theres a great meal for him when he walks in the door. I think theres only been about 10 divided months in our whole relationship where i haven't been pregnant! I'm looking forward to having my body back and being able to attempt some 'Us' time again!

So for now, I will continue to spread my love the best i can. I know i have enough. I will stop worrying and enjoy more. Before i know it .14 will be starting Prep and there's is another 5 days less i get to see her grow up.

I wonder if every parent experiences this?

x N