Ive sat here staring at the subject line for about 10 minutes, trying to think of the right way to name what im writing about.
Bullies, seemed fitting.
Last night i was confronted with a past deamon. And thanks to you. Im outting those who have bullied me.
Firstly, i am a big sufferer of anxiety. So this is far from an easy blog for me to be typing.
My thoughts of a bully are. Selfish, hidden, energy sucking and cowards. And with technology theses days, cyber bullying is far to commen. You have your sheild. Your computer screen. Your keyboard as your mouth, You can sit there and 'think' about your reaction. You can game plan. You can hide and you can run. They are bullies.
Last nights confrontation came with some low blows. Kicking someone while there down i believe the term is?
Throughout my life ive made very close knit friendships with a large number of people i schooled with. I was that person who didnt have just a small group of friends, i floated from place to place, befriending everyone who would smile back at me.
I was friends with the 'cool' kids, i was friends with the rebels, i hung with the boys and i made an effort with the new kids. I gave every single person the time of day. To me, no one could do a thing wrong, as long as they smiled at me.
I left school at 15. On a good note with my teachers. It was a mutual agreement. My social life, was affecting my grades. So they suggested i joined the work force. My parents agreed. 1 week after graduating grade 10 i started full time in a bakery studying a certificate 3 in management and part time in a daycare centre. I believe this is when the self doubt began.
Working with older people who belittled me. Management gave me the dodgey hours, layed blame on me, convinced me the wrong things were right. And i believed them. After over a year of 9 - 11 hour - 6 day a week shifts. Plus extras. I finally had a melt down. At 17, i crashed and burnt.
My self confidence was never the same again.
My childhood was amazing. My parents never spoilt us, but appreciated us. I have 2 brothers. One 5 years younger and one 7 years younger. All to the same parents. We spent every weekend at the beach, creek, park, road tripping. Yes, we had our family based issues, but they are for another blog.
I went from being a child, going on long drives with my family, to working myself to the ground, over night. Thats when i matured.
Throughout my childhood and teen years we didnt have the internet. I dont think Dad actually bought his first mobile phone untill about 10 years ago. Which really, is not long ago. And he still has the same number.
I remember seeing parents at school when i was about 10, on there mobile phones , thinking.. 'They must live close to the school to be able to talk n there cordless phone here!' And we didnt even have a cordless phone.
I discovered the internet when i was about 19-20 I got my first hotmail account. I had dabbled in internet based things with friends before then, but nothing that i relied on. From hotmail i joined myspace. I loved myspace. It was never critisied, it was always just fun.
Then at 23 i joined facebook. Biggest mistake of my life.
Through facebook i became friends with maby people. People who i wish i had never crossed paths with. And people who i will cherish forever.
This is when the bulling hit full swing.
I was always comforatable in my own skin. Even at 21 weighing 130kg. I was happy. I never compaired myself to others. All i cared about was me, my son, my family and my friends.
Then i met internet friends. People who would make such an impact on my life, that i could never forgive them. And thats not me. I am a very forgiving person.
I sat with hubby this morning and counted who i have met and lost, because of the internet. There are 6.
I layed in bed last night after recieving a hammering from one on my buinsess page and wondered what went wrong. Why, these 6 people decided they dont give a fuck. And made me there target?
Then it hit me. Every single one of these people i have stood up to!
I am not one for confontation, unless i am happy to cop the anxiety attacks, which you can imagine arent nice. So i dont stand up for my self often.
But these 6 people, have copped what i have to say about there bulling. And they didnt like it one bit.
Dear Number One- It was a short lived friendship. One that i enjoyed untill i saw your second personality. I had the time of day for you. I listened, i gave you advice, i stuck by your dessicions in life. But the second it didnt go your way. You were done. I know what you say about me to others. The people who you have also done this to, have told me. Now i have to repair there thoughts on me. It wasnt hard though. They could see im a good person. I have always admired your talent, but im disgusted at your ability to lie.
Dear Number 2- Its a shame you couldnt put your need for acknowledgement aside to enjoy some good friendships. I dont have much to say to you, or about you because i actually breathed a sigh of relief the day our friendship ended. And regained the trust and love from others who caught me when i fell. Still, your words, from behind your computer screen were cutting. And for that, i will never forgive.
Dear Number 3- I honestly thought we had a genuine friendship. Not just an internet based acquittance. But it seems you got wrapped up in the big world to quick and your way to get one step higher was to step on my back. Obviously thinking i would never know. So you and number 4 belong together.
Number 4- Ive got nothing to say to you. Just add me to the list of people who you tried to brainwash. But never suceeded.
Dear Number 5- What the hell went wrong. You were my inspiration, my creative boost when i needed it and i was your rock. You often belittled me, but i took it because i cared about you. I followed you through your buisness ventures, hiding your hurt, i could see someone i loved. Your have a kind heart underneath your obssions to be higher then others. My heart would thump when i saw your retaliation and i knew id already lost the fight. So i would admit defeat. The way a true friendship should be? No. I do miss you. But when i see others , still coping what you put me through it reassures me , it was the right deccision.
And finally number Six- The reason and post you have been anicipating.
You pushed me and pushed me to the point where i felt you wanted to know why i had been so distant , was so you could be in the loop. But what advice would you have for me? Nothing? Yu didnt have advice?
I trust little people. And you are not one of them. What you have done to me has prooved you are not one i trust. You say the weeks leading up to my wedding i was 'not a very good friend' Firstly, i was planning a wedding.. Stressful enough? Secondly, we have a 1 year old needing a possibly liver transplant? Not stressful enough for you? Thirdly , i take hold of my family as my mother, my best friend breaks down. Yet you still demand more from me. This is only a small scraping of what my life has been for the past 6 months. The rest you dont deserve to know.
I put my life on hold, my business, my self and everything that keeps me sain and happy, to focus peiceing family back together.. And plan a wedding.
Then i snap. My head can not take it anymore. I sit in the middle of a main road, In front of my own mother and scream to be hit. While beating myself until my body stops feeling the pain. And YOU wonder why i dont give you what you need. You ALL wonder why im distant?
Two weeks before the biggest one moment of my life i look like this. The pain of breaking my eye socket and cracking my forhead and cheek bones, was better then the pain i feel inside.
I had to explain this to my children. And my grandmother.
Oh, and the police to 'dropped in' to investigate a shooting in the next street... And my celebrant, 2 weeks out from my wedding.
These photos are there to remind me, i need to be stronger and have more faith in myself.
I am human.
Im not always this facebook funny who is a ball of fun. I am a person who is hurting. And while you have your computer screen to amour you , i have nothing. I have my hands. And my way to escape it is to feel other pain. Not the heart pounding sick feeling you give me.
So, to the 6 of you. Stop being such bullys. Big picture, What have i EVER really done to YOU, that has affected YOUR life? Have i spoke down of you? Have i stole from you? Have i had you feel so worthless with my choice of hurtful words and slandering?
I stood up to you! I gained that tiny minuscule amount of courage i keep for moments like this and i stood my ground. And, You didnt like that. So you kicked me in the back.
This is what ive become because of the path my life has taken. The people ive met, my relationships, the challenges im facing. But im learning to become a stronger person. And by telling my story, hopefully others, like me can stand up to the people who have no care for anyone other then themselves.
And to them, take a good, long hard look at yourself and your life. Are you happy inside as much as you are outside? No? Well change.
x N
