Mixed feelings..

I'm sitting here typing out my pages and pages of mixed up papers that i called my blog while i was in hospital with Phoenix.

30 odd pages of feelings, thoughts and worries. Writing everything down seemed to help me understand it all better. Even though i was completely confused.

It makes me realise how hard it was living in a room, on maternity, with no baby. Knowing your child was in a humidi crib, alone, down the end of the hall.

So why do i feel like i want to do it all again? I would NEVER wish a special care baby upon anyone. Its heart breaking. And i honestly thought that, along with the painful pregnancy and excruciating labour would put me off babies for life. But it seems not.

I make excuses for how painful my pregnancy was with phoenix.

Addison was only 6 months old, so she was still a baby herself. Still waking for feeds, teething and all the other joys that come with little ones! A rough 'relaxation' pregnancy massage i suffered 5 weeks of migraines which left me hospitalised and on drips, then pregnancy induced varicose veins which turned my right leg blue! And after all that, i blame it on falling pregnant to quick.

There are 3 .5 years between Jett and Addison-Dior and i didn't have half the amount of problems i did last time round.

So now i have to keep reminding myself how tired i am. And tiredness makes me cranky, and a cranky mum = cranky kids. I need to give myself time to recover. Gosh, Phoenix is only 9 weeks old!!

Were still young, we have plenty of time. And if the time does come and it doesn't happen, then I'm blessed with 3 amazing children who will love me unconditionally for the rest of our lives.

x