Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Who i am.

Last night i cracked. It was major meltdown in my crazy world. Ive realised a few things. I have way to much going on. I don't get enough out. I need to vent more.

A few things about, Who i am.

I'm 26.

I'm a mum of 3. At the moment they are 12 weeks, 19 months and 5 years. Boy , Girl, Boy.

I wear black.

My hair is black.

My bag is black.

I feel like black makes me blend in with the crowd, but when i look around, I'm usually the only one in black.

Ive had a rough journey, But i appreciate the lessons Ive learnt. All tho i hold grudges.

My face does not suit a fringe. Even tho my whole childhood , i had a fringe.

I could ramble 10 things in 5 second of scrambled thoughts going through my head.

I clench my teeth in my sleep. To the point i cracked my tooth.

I have beliefs.

I'm easily inspired, but find it hard to inspire.

I'm gullible, but far from stupid.

I always trust my instincts. My dads advice.

i had my first child at 21. Was a single mum 6 weeks later and can not recall a time where i regretted it.

My mind ticks constantly. Google gets a run for its money.

I google alot.

I have a habit of never finishing projects.

I write lists. But i never get through it.

I love taking photos of moments that matter.

I don't want to forget the small things.

I hate my nails. My middle finger nail is bent from where my pen sits.

I learnt that Black is a shade, not a colour. Yesterday. From my 5 year old.

I know I'm a good mum, My kids are still alive. I'm just not sure if i know how to parent.

I'm a hoarder. That's a main issue.

My thoughts are organised. But i cant seem to organise my life.

I find one out fit that looks perfect. And wear it to death.

I want long straight black hair. But as soon as i hits my shoulders i cut it all off again.

I blog because it releases negative energy.

Ive had to distance myself from people who need me to much.

I need myself right now.

My children need me. My Partner needs me.

I'm so sleep deprived and sware every morning ill go back to bed for the 9am children's sleep. But never do. I should be in bed right now.

I thank people who have hurt me for teaching my life experiences, but i will never forget the pain i felt.

My chest breaks out in a heat rash when I'm stressed and run down.

I suffer major panic attacks and for some reason people don't see that as a problem. When i cant breathe. Thats a problem.

I like to lock myself away when things get full on, to regain my thoughts. I'm not running away.

Im to creative for my own good, and bank balance.

I wish my children didnt have so many unnessesary toys.

I want to teach them more.

I want to read to them.

I wish my mind wasnt in such a hurry.

My room is covered in so many clothes we can bearly walk in the door. Yet we seem to only wear one or two out fits.

My son is sick. And we still don't know why. To others, he seems fine. But his blood tests show otherwise. The doctors don't have answers, so they just test and test.

People can drink, smoke and use there whole pregnancy and birth healthy happy baby's. I stress over injecting my body with a panadol, and my children are born sick. That baffles me.

They say god only gives you what you can handle.. I think he mixed my name up with someone elses.

Facebook is the biggest waste of time ever invented. Its stolen so much time away from my family that I'm glad I'm away from it.

I need to spend more time and energy selling my creations in public places and not so much behind a computer screen.

I want to teach my daughter to sort buttons.

In my new house i want space.

Every nook and cranny of my home has some form of mess.

I'm going to line my walls with inspirational quotes and lyric that makes me smile.

I want to meet other parents.

I give alot and expect a little. Sometimes that bites me in the butt.

I want to go to play group.

I wish i didn't fear leaving the house with more then one child.

I wish my opinion mattered.

I have to apologise to my Mumma for stressing her out, Last night she thought i was dying. Sorry Bear.

I get defencive when i think people are trying to put me down.

I snap easy.

I remember alot.

Tattoo's to me are pieces of art work i can carry around all the time. I'm quite prepared to grow old and wrinkly with them.

Photos are my memories.

Ive accepted I'm not as strong as i make out to be. My insides proved that last night.

Fulfillment in life is making others happy. Smile. Knowing that there are good people in the world. But making people happy doesn't fix my life.

I need to fix my life. That is my project.


1 comment:

  1. Your opinion most certainly does matter, to more people than you realise. A good mother has a messy house and happy kids. You don't hold your love inside you, you share it around so there's more for everyone. You must have one of the most amazing mothers on this earth because she taught you how to mother amazingly. Parenting comes later, teach your kids to love themselves and others, that's all that matters. You are far too hard on yourself and I wish I could take some of that insecurity away from you and let you see yourself the way the rest of the world sees you, then you would fall in love with yourself the way I fell in love with your heart. God did not get your name mixed up, He never makes mistakes, he made you just the way you are meant to be, and that is perfect in His eyes. Unfortunately He needs you to grow through some life issues, your blessing for these issues will be phenominal later in life when you realise how much you can help and touch other people because of what you've been through. Growing hurts, so very much, but it's so beautiful to see a flower in full bloom, or a butterfly in full flight. God also needs us to hit rock bottom sometimes so that we have no other choice but to turn to Him for love, support, strength and grace. If you ask Him to give you these things, He will. He loves you and he cries with you. His love for you exceeds any love you can have for your children, that's how much He loves you. Faith in the hard times is true faith, faith in easy times is superficial and easy. When He looks upon you, today, He smiles softly, with a gentle tear in His eye and He says to you "My precious, beautiful daughter Nic, I love you. I know the plans I have for you, not to harm you, but plans to prosper you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord, Acts 17:11. - sorry to be so spiro!!

    If I could give you one gift today, it would be the gift of the way you make my heart shine and smile and bulge with love and hope, it would be the gift of seeing you as I do.
    I think you are fantastic and I'm so grateful to know you.