Last night i cracked. It was major meltdown in my crazy world. Ive realised a few things. I have way to much going on. I don't get enough out. I need to vent more.
A few things about, Who i am.
I'm a mum of 3. At the moment they are 12 weeks, 19 months and 5 years. Boy , Girl, Boy.
I wear black.
My hair is black.
My bag is black.
I feel like black makes me blend in with the crowd, but when i look around, I'm usually the only one in black.
Ive had a rough journey, But i appreciate the lessons Ive learnt. All tho i hold grudges.
My face does not suit a fringe. Even tho my whole childhood , i had a fringe.
I could ramble 10 things in 5 second of scrambled thoughts going through my head.
I clench my teeth in my sleep. To the point i cracked my tooth.
I have beliefs.
I'm easily inspired, but find it hard to inspire.
I'm gullible, but far from stupid.
I always trust my instincts. My dads advice.
i had my first child at 21. Was a single mum 6 weeks later and can not recall a time where i regretted it.
My mind ticks constantly. Google gets a run for its money.
I google alot.
I have a habit of never finishing projects.
I write lists. But i never get through it.
I love taking photos of moments that matter.
I don't want to forget the small things.
I hate my nails. My middle finger nail is bent from where my pen sits.
I learnt that Black is a shade, not a colour. Yesterday. From my 5 year old.
I know I'm a good mum, My kids are still alive. I'm just not sure if i know how to parent.
I'm a hoarder. That's a main issue.
My thoughts are organised. But i cant seem to organise my life.
I find one out fit that looks perfect. And wear it to death.
I want long straight black hair. But as soon as i hits my shoulders i cut it all off again.
I blog because it releases negative energy.
Ive had to distance myself from people who need me to much.
I need myself right now.
My children need me. My Partner needs me.
I'm so sleep deprived and sware every morning ill go back to bed for the 9am children's sleep. But never do. I should be in bed right now.
I thank people who have hurt me for teaching my life experiences, but i will never forget the pain i felt.
My chest breaks out in a heat rash when I'm stressed and run down.
I suffer major panic attacks and for some reason people don't see that as a problem. When i cant breathe. Thats a problem.
I like to lock myself away when things get full on, to regain my thoughts. I'm not running away.
Im to creative for my own good, and bank balance.
I wish my children didnt have so many unnessesary toys.
I want to teach them more.
I want to read to them.
I wish my mind wasnt in such a hurry.
My room is covered in so many clothes we can bearly walk in the door. Yet we seem to only wear one or two out fits.
My son is sick. And we still don't know why. To others, he seems fine. But his blood tests show otherwise. The doctors don't have answers, so they just test and test.
People can drink, smoke and use there whole pregnancy and birth healthy happy baby's. I stress over injecting my body with a panadol, and my children are born sick. That baffles me.
They say god only gives you what you can handle.. I think he mixed my name up with someone elses.
Facebook is the biggest waste of time ever invented. Its stolen so much time away from my family that I'm glad I'm away from it.
I need to spend more time and energy selling my creations in public places and not so much behind a computer screen.
I want to teach my daughter to sort buttons.
In my new house i want space.
Every nook and cranny of my home has some form of mess.
I'm going to line my walls with inspirational quotes and lyric that makes me smile.
I want to meet other parents.
I give alot and expect a little. Sometimes that bites me in the butt.
I want to go to play group.
I wish i didn't fear leaving the house with more then one child.
I wish my opinion mattered.
I have to apologise to my Mumma for stressing her out, Last night she thought i was dying. Sorry Bear.
I get defencive when i think people are trying to put me down.
I snap easy.
I remember alot.
Tattoo's to me are pieces of art work i can carry around all the time. I'm quite prepared to grow old and wrinkly with them.
Photos are my memories.
Ive accepted I'm not as strong as i make out to be. My insides proved that last night.
Fulfillment in life is making others happy. Smile. Knowing that there are good people in the world. But making people happy doesn't fix my life.
I need to fix my life. That is my project.