{ Caution.. This entry may be a little 'raw' }
Recently, Ok.. so maby a little longer then recently, there has been a huge lack of happiness in my life. The happiness that makes you laugh at TV ads. That makes you not worry about the kids toys scattered from the front door to the back, because the only reason for that.. is because your children have had fun. The happiness that makes you feel complete. Ive not had that for a while now.
My day starts at 5am. Whether its the kids waking up or panic attacks setting in. 5am its get up and go time.
Our day starts with Sighs, grunts, yelling, crying, tantrums, fights, battles with food and space. Rolling eyes, shaking heads, different opinions and slamming doors. Thats all before 8am.. and usually its not the kids.
So where is 'Up from here' How do we change this.. I cant make the kids sleep in longer, i cant make them leave the house, i cant make them be quiet.. how do WE accept our life? Is it even acceptable? How do we learn to not sweat the small stuff? How do we know whats small enough to let slide..
I feel like, as crazy as it sounds.. my mouth has actually taken on a different shape. Like the corners of my mouth actually slope down, making me constantly look sad! (I know.. i sound like a nut bag.. but at the moment, im ok with that)
You know how on facebook you have friends of friends then friends of those, but you dont know them.. but there photos are private so you have a bit of a stalk.. (Another nut bag moment) Well, i usually have a sticky and see what life is like over there way.
This morning i came across a family who just looked content. Happy with life. Gorgeous photos on the wall of their house, Having a great time at there sons birthday, kicking back with family and friends , clean and organised home, no clutter, no mess, just simple necessities.... the list goes on.
These people, i dont even know.. with there happiness made me smile. But its not MY happiness.
Some days, like today i would be more then happy to throw away everything i own that i thought made us happy, just to feel happy again. Get rid of all our useless toys , computers, gadgets and consoles, bikes and scooters, go carts and trade it all in for a pen and paper and the ability to sit and write how we feel towards each other. (If only the kids could write)
I feel like i have way to my 'stuff' in my life. Starting with my house. To much stuff! Useless stuff. To many lounges, toys, cabinets, shelves, chairs, clothes, pillows! So much STUFF!
Our house is lined with things, along our walls we have lounges, followed by tables, and desks and shelves and cabinets..ect I feel like im suffocating in furniture!
We have no structure. No routine, no set way to do things. I know life isnt suppose to be straight down the line, but when our day starts with Facebook and emails, not breakfast and cuddle.. some thing is defiantly not right.
When our day ends with TV, computer , xbox and no knowledge on how the day has been in the other person's shoes.. then were on a down hill battle.
Our day goes something along these lines.
( And i should probably add, this is the worst way of living ever! I appreciate the emails and messages with differant routine ideas, the following is just to note how wrong we have it.)
5amWake up time.
Check emails, facebook, ebay.. what ever other useless pathetic time wasting Internet stuff that needs to be done. This should NOT be our priority.. we shouldnt even LOOK at the computer let alone log on before feeding the kids! Its become such a dirty habit and i HATE facebook for it!
Get Baby a bottle
Crack it cause he wont drink.
6.00am 2 other kids are up, arguments start between everyone either because were tired, trying to wake up, hungry..ect
6.30am House starts to get in to a bit of turmoil. Kids are cranky, just woken up and wants space.
7am showers for 2 bigger kids and breakfast. clean kitchen
In the mean time still checking facebook *Rolls eyes*
7.30am dressed and cleaning up the breakfast mess . Dad leaves for work.
8am lunches are getting packed, extra breakfast being sorted, im rushing around attempting to shower with 3 kids in the lounge room. Coffee is officially cold,
8.30am dressed, bags packed, piling in to car for school run.
9.30am Morning tea and time to bath the baby,
10am Dinner in the slow cooker (on a good day) , kids to bed , sweep floors and pack away all toys.
10.30 Put a load of washing on, pack away all the toys from this mornings trashing of the house. Take the rubbish out, gather all the dirty clothes.
11am kids are up, lunch time, hang washing out. Entertain kids so Miss 2 doesn't break any more plates.. like the 2 she broke this morning.
1pm witching hour x 2 kids under 2.
Miss 2 screams and yells for no reason. Mr . 7 wants to be held all afternoon and cracks it if i even turn away from him.
2pm i sit and sob. Nothing else to do but cry.
2.30pm pile the kids back in the car and head to pick Mr 5 up,
3pm pick up time.
3.30 afternoon tea and nap time for baby. Take the kids out the front so he can sleep without the squeals and fighting.
4.30 Baby is up and time to prep dinner.
5pm Kids eat
5.30pm Kids in the shower
6pm Dad gets home and we try to keep to ourselves to allow him to unwind...
6.30 Nap time for baby and bed time for miss 2
7pm for Mr 5
8pm dinner time for mr .7
9pm bed time for mum.
During all this time and though out the day there is still arguing, and bitterness..
By the end of the night im exhausted , not just physically, but mentally.
Ive not spent any one on one time with master 5, who at the moment needs it the most. So last night i made a point of sitting with him, watching Tom and Jerry, untill he begged to go to beg.
Weve done no home work, no reading, i dont know how his day has been, i dont know how any ones day has been aside from my own!
Ive not left the house, for fear of not being about to finish the house work. Ive not spoken to anyone aside from a small comment on a facebook status to promote the fact im still alive. Ive sat down for no longer then about 15 minutes to re-energise for the next round. And as much as i know 'this is the way life is' i want to know how to enjoy it.
How do families of 7, 9 , 15, 18! Cope!
Its sad, Well for me anyway.
As a young teen, i never had 'boyfriends' i was very much one of the boys myself. I never had that 'dream of a family' feel to me.. i was content having a bundle of friends and just living life. I never craved a boyfriend or attention. I was just me. But now, after giving birth, Seeing my children roll, crawl, stand, walk, talk, laugh, play, jump, meet there siblings, grow to be best friends, play together, fight , make up and fall asleep on my lap. Though all the stress tear and sleep deprivation. If i had it my way, i would be pregnant again, yesterday.
But emotionally.. i dont think i have the support to do it. And thats what hurts.
5 and i were solo until he was 2 when the main man joined our team. Within a few months we were expecting. I went though every single emotion there was.
And ill be honest. I was happy, shocked, worried, guilty, sad, nervous, and sick (A mix of worry and horrendous all day 7 month dehydrating sickness). Miss 2, was a shock pregnancy. Wanted, but unexpected.
When we decided Master .7 would be a good idea it made me wonder why we should stop there? I loved my role as a mum. It was stressful at times, but seeing how far i had come with Master 5, from being this nonstop crying, non sleeping, refulxy, colicy, clingy baby to this 3 year old boy who had a heart of gold. Proved to me that life wouldn't always be a bumpy road.
I enjoyed my pregnancy with Master .7 aside from alot of pain, because i had a bit of freedom up my sleeve. Master 5 had started prep 5 days a week and Miss 3 was in daycare 3 days. I enjoyed finding myself again. Like i did when it was just me and 5 .
You lose yourself when your a mum. Your constantly trying to prove to others what you do is tough! Its not like yous looking after someone kids and at 5.15pm you can give them back and go out for dinner. As above, my day starts at 5am and finishes at 9pm. And then im on call.
Whether i get an hour lunch break, or nothing at all.. Im still working. I still have people to care for.
So, it brings me back to my question.. what brings you happiness?
How do i turn the stress of my day in to the highlight of my day?
How do we set a routine so we both have alone time, with not a single sound from anyone, but also have time together?
How do others have a happy lifestyle.. And why cant i find it..
Im screaming for help.
I know how you feel about clutter, living in this small house with 5 people is very suffocating sometimes. Grab a garbage bag or trailer, whatever it takes, and purge, you will feel better.
ReplyDeleteAs for spending time together, eat together at a table, and talk. Since we bought a dinner table, no matter how crazy everything is it is nice to have everyone at the table together for a meal. Abbey's high chair is pushed right up with us.
If the kids wake up early I send them back to bed, or put them in bed with me LOL I'm mean like that.
No one is completely happy all the time, at least I don't believe so. But if it is a choice between housework and the kids, I choose the kids. The dishes will be there tomorrow, as long as the clothes are clean and dry it doesn't matter if they aren't folded and put away.
Hope things are easier soon, you have had a lot of stress and heartache having a sick bubba, so it adds to the sadness and worry :(
N.
ReplyDeleteThe Happiness is there. From what I've experienced in the last few months, though as they say the grass is always greener on the otherside.. is it truly that way? I've done the opposite to you. I had a family that everyone on the outside saw as 'perfect'. Loving couple, 3 beautiful kids, no tension. Then all that got turned upside down because SHE was wanting the greener grass. Now I have to do the single parent thing (50/50 share), and as much as I am angry/sad/frustrated with being forced to go into a sitatuation because of someone else's selfish desires, all I do is take one look at my kids faces. Even at the times when they're screaming at each other, being difficult, chucking random tantrums over trivial shit like the cereal they want isn't there, these 3 little people make me happy. When they're not here and with HER instead, and I'm alone and down, I take a look at the photos I have of them and realise why I'm still here. The organised chaos of having to get 3 kids and myself ready for school/work in the morning, starts at 9pm the previous night. An hour making the lunches, then cleaning up, sorting out the bags/clothes/uniforms.. then a coffee and a smoke and before I know it, it's 12am. 6.30am wake-up. Get each one breakfast and have eldest look after 2 little ones while I shower, then clean up mess, get them dressed, brush heads, make beds, drop off at school, then just make it to work on time. It's draining. Prob not as much as yours given some of the extra challenges you've had to face, but you do still have support, mate. When it feels like you're in a hole, sit down, sit up straight, put your feet flat on the floor, and breathe. Breathe with your gut. Don't make your chest move. Truly breathe. Then have that one thought. The one thought where you were the happiest in your life. For me, it was the birth of my eldest. Use something like that, and go through the motions. It helps. It helps with the anxiety. It helps with the loneliness. It helps with the sadness. When you break it down, there will be a lot of things that make you happy, more than things that make you sad.
Oh, and don't believe the pictures. Even those that look like they're having a perfect life, usually have something to hide.
-R.
Sweetheart, sometimes you need to be really really firm and a little tough, and sometimes you will feel very nasty for doing it, BUT.....what I always did - and I might have only had one child of my own, but I would daycare up to 6 kids and sometimes they would stay overnight (some of my day care kids were kids of military families) We had a rule, once Geof came home it was quiet time. He and I sat down EVERY SINGLE DAY - WITHOUT FAIL for at least 20 mins, had a coffee together and talked about our day. If one of the kids came into the dining room we sent them away, it was our time. We weren't asking much, they were safe and secure, they were fed and we were asking them to watch TV or play together for only 20 mins. After 20 mins they were allowed to come and share their day with Geof. It's not easy at first, they whinge, complain, fight, whatever, to get your attention. but after a few days they realise that you mean it when they don't get the attention they seek. As long as they are safe, it doesn't hurt them to wait. It's the same for Pheonix, now I know that you guys have been through hell with him and he's not a well little man, but he is still a little man who's learnt to cry for your attention and get what he wants. Make sure he has all that he needs and that he's safe. If he cries for an hour in his crib but there's nothing wrong with him that's ok. I had a friend who couldn't handle her daughter crying, she would always go pick her up. it's understandable, but in the long run, silly.
ReplyDeletePart 2 - This little one was my God-daughter, so I love her dearly....but her mum was very silly and gave into her all the time. When she became older, 0-12ish she was a hellish kids when she wanted something!!! Would tantrum until she got so worked up she would be sick. They put up with screaming tantrums till she was about 6 and then decided to try and do something about it - much too late by this time. In the end, they were putting her in a cold shower to 'startle' the tantrum out of her. If they'd made her settle in her own bed when she was a baby it would have been different. Kids cry to get the attention they want. But you don't want to give them negative attention, because any attention is better than none to them. We need to teach them that positive attention is the attention they should strive for. When they are being horrible, let them be horrible, in their room, unitl it stops and then they can join the family when they are nice. I once let Kay scream her head off at me for 45 mins while she was sitting in her walker (so she was just a bub - not even 6 months old). She was fine, just throwing a wobbly, and she got over it and went to sleep. Next time she chucked a wobbly it was into bed till she went to sleep. In the end, she was a child who would go to bed, sleep, wake up in her crib, play for a bit, go back to sleep and wake up in the morning. I wouldn't go to her until the morning in the end. It took a few nights of checking to make sure she was fine, but if they're fine, and just whingeing, let them be. My Aunt used to talk about trying to get her daughter out of their bed, it took 3 nights of screaming all night in her own bed, but eventually she realised she wouldn't get what she wanted and slept on her own. You've got to be tough, set the rules. If you want peace and quiet in the morning, then remoave whoever isn't being peaceful. If it means they go to school or daycare in their pj's fine, they'll only do it once, or maybe twice, but Jett'll only do it once!!! When Addy is being Addy and you don't like the behaviour, remove her, sure, she'll scream at you, but let her, it won't do her any good. As long as she is safe where you put her. she'll soon learn that the bad behaviour won't be tollerated. It'll be tough for a while, but perservere. If they wake up too early, put them back into bed. it won't kill them to stay in bed with a book, toys whatever, if they're safe, leave them there. Shut the door. They'll soon learn. No, you're not being a bad mum, you're teaching them discipline, all children thrive on discipline. they need boundaries. Then they feel secure. They know that if they do this...then that will happen. If you are consistent and give them boundaries, sure, they'll try and push them, but soon learn they won't get anywhere with them. Hope it helps sweetheart. Remember, you are a fantastic mum, you love your kids so much more than any level of strictness you could give them. they know that. Be proud of yourself.
ReplyDeletemy house is a tip atm its so depressing im in this massssive rutt i cant climb out of im up early and dont go to sleep till late and im still not on top of things
ReplyDeletebut like they say the strong will go on after beeing brought to there knees and the weak will crumble
beeing a mum of a kid with ASD i understand the fights the bickering the nights just roll over and ignore your partner the guilty feeling of not spending time with anyone and the only way out is to crawl out
hugs hun chin up you will get there
i for one want to reach out and give you a big hug and say you are not alone
I agree with R....everyone always smiles in photos, that's why they look happy!!! The grass may be greener on the other side, but it needs to be fertilized and mowed twice as much!! Love you babe.
ReplyDeleteThankyou for sharing - here I felt like the only one..
ReplyDeleteI love being a mum, but sometimes you just want a break! I would seriously be happy with 5 mins but that never happens : p
I like an above post of having dinner together we do that every night and our famous dinner question is 'what's the best thing that happened to you today?' and everyone has to share their favourite moment.
Big cardboard boxes are great for a little peace and lots of giggles, keep it simple the house won't fall apart it will all be there later I tell myself..
I remember what you were like at high school, I always looked up to you and I still do you are an amazing person and an amazing mum!
10am when the kids have a nap, give yourlsef 15 mins to do as mouch housework as you can then sit down. Don't worry about the toys they'll only pull them out again. Give yourself at least 20 mins at this time of the day to recharge.
ReplyDeleteMake a coffee and call a friend who makes you laugh. Read, watch tv, whatever you want to do for 20 mins....make this your time. It doesn't sound like much time, but it's gotta be better than nothing.
Small kids are hard work! I reme,ber sitting on the doorstep crying every night waiting for the other half to get home because I felt like I wasn't coping, my whole life had become about making these other 2 people happy but I forgot about me.
When the kids go to bed at night, take another 20 minutes for you and your partner to sit down and talk, or have a drink together.
Sometimes I wonder if I had of done these things, would my marriage have survived?? If I had taken more time to make myself happy then maybe I could have coped with the hard stuff.
It's been a rough year, you need to be kind to yourself.
I hope you feel better soon xxxx
God I really feel for you Nic, When ever I see you, your smiling and I would never think your life was this hectic, you need some help to get your house sorted and the dinner table idea is great if it means you can all sit together as a family and talk. It will get easier when the kids are a bit older too, so don't think for a second this is all there is for you, things will get easier, a good person like you deserves to be happy, you may be getting challenged at the moment, tested to the end degree, but in the future things may completely turn over, because of all the wonderful things you do, it has to be your time soon! xo
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