Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Repaired.

For a while there i was pretty broken. My head was a huge bowl of mushy thoughts, covered in horrible lumpy stinky gravy. Well, thats what it felt like anyways.

Im on my way to being repaired. And i have come to realise, my creative outlet is helping me get there. Ive set boundaries, I make rules and i make sure they are fair to me and the family.

For me Buttons Dior is not about making an 'income' as such for my family. To cover the cost of materials and perhaps make a small reward from my time doing it, is a bonus. For the money to be able to go towards bills and ensuring our kids have some finer things in life keeps me motivated but most of all , i meet these people. Who are just like me. Sitting in front of the glowing monitor, talking to others they will probably never meet. Or planning to meet those who are such an inspiration.

I dont 'get out ' much. For many reasons.

I have my soul sister who i would be merely a shell without. She has been my tower of strength, my birthing partner, my shoulder , my sanity killer ;-) , and my confidant. I see her more then i see my parents! She is someone i whole heartedly trust that she would do absolotly anything (Legal) for me or my family. And she knows i would do the same. Other then her, i have friends who live lives like me. Hectic, un organised and demanding. And i can appreciated that. So, i sit behind my screen, typing away , telling them im still here. I may not be the most reliable 'friend' at the moment. But give me time, im getting there.

With Lucy's help, On Sunday we piled all my stock in to my van and headed to The Upper Market http://www.facebook.com/theuppermarket .. Cassandra needed a hand with running her stall, So she could help the stall holders. I was more then happy to help. Initially i thought i would simply have a basket of hoppers to display. But 5 hours of sewing an a facebook ban, i was able to make myself a nice table of goodies.

Because i am so 'people deprived, I am aways fearful of being hated. Being judged for my tattoo's, being criticized over my work and life. And within 5 minutes of being there i literally said to her 'Everyone hates me'.

As the day went on and i actually got out from behind my table and met other people, Just like me, There to show the hard work and time gone in to putting there stock together and setting it all up. I came to realise were all the same. Looking for a small piece of gratification and good friendly chat. I am always 'exhausted' by the end of my days.

My body it tired and i ache for bed. But as soon as my head hit the pillow i start thinking. My days are full of running around, but im not mentally exhausted. After Sundays market, and 'working' .. I slept like a baby.








When i joined facebook, i never thought it would be my link to meeting so many different people. Back in the 'Myspace' days , accepting friend requests was merely a popularity quest. You had your select photos up that made you look perfect. You updated only the most fine updates. And you networked for more and more friends.. I guess thats what these fan pages have become?

I want Buttons Dior and Organised Chaos to be seen more then just a WAHM with a venture. Its my journal. I want to welcome people in to my life to see, They are not the only one.
Because i know when im reading my following blogs at the moment, i am constantly thinking.. I want to be like them.

Organised Chaos is my every single day. My unfolded / unironed clothes. My lack of storage space, My wet towel on my bathroom floor and my morning coffee still sitting on my computer table. My quest to have structure in my home, but realisation the kids come before laundry.

Master 5 came home yesterday after a few days with his dad and sat with me in our garage / kids room / office / sewing area. I asked him why recently he had been so distant. I felt as though he woke up at 7.30, leaves for school with hubby at 8.15 is home at 2.30 plays untill 5.30 eats dinner and goes to bed. I dont even 'talk' to him anymore.

He said to me 'Mum, my life is just so hard' .. I know most of you would think that was 'cute'.

But his lip quivered and 2 tears rolled down his cheek.

I snapped the lap top closed real quick and asked him why.
He said he has so many responsibilities. He has to make sure he gets enough sleep, he has to eat the breakfast we make, not the breakfast he wants. he has to go to school and remember alot of stuff.
He said he has to remember that it is not ok to hit other people. But when he is angry hes head gets 'messy' and he cant think about not hitting people because he gets to mad and frusterated. He asked me why it is ok for people to push him, and step on his fingers and yell at him, but he can not hit them. ( we have had issues with Master 5 being seriously bullied, with the result of him retaliating with hitting)
He went on to say, he has to remember his hat to be able to play, then when he gets home he helps with the babies, has to eat his dinner , do his homework and go to bed.

In his head and to my 5 year old. His life is hard.

I explained to him, i didnt realise he felt like he had to look after the babies. Hubby and I never make him responsible for any duties regarding them, nor do we leave him in charge of them. They are 1 and 2. He is 5.
I asked him what he felt was expected of him when it comes to his siblings. He said to me he doesnt like seeing them cry, or be in danger. What a heart hey?. We spoke more about it and i made it clear what 'being a brother' is all about and what our duties as parents were. I think hes going to enjoy being a brother alot more now.

After talking to him for about half an hour i brought hubby in to have a listen. Jett told us a few faults we had, and took on some advice we had for him. All in all, i think it was a huge step in the right direction for our family.

Last week i met for coffee with a friend of mine who for many reasons is my inspiration. Danielle from Five Little Reasons http://www.facebook.com/fivelittlereasons . We met when we were both pregnant with our now 2 year olds. In the short amount of time knowing each other we have had our fair share of dodgey friendships which took its toll on our friendship for quiet a few months. Im just very lucky to have her back in our lives. She is a great role model for my kids and is one for amazing advice and has such a huge heart. I could turn to her when im on struggle street knowing she wouldnt turn me away. I told her, Our family needs structure. Before i sort my clutter and finer details, i need routine and lists.

So, Weve started small. From 2.30pm to 7pm For those hours i have routine.
2.30pm School pick up time
2.45pm - 3.00pm afternoon tea and talk time. A chance for him to tell me about his day while its still fresh in his mind.
3.00pm - 3.30pm- Homework
3.30pm -5.30pm play time
5.30pm - 6.00pm Shower and Pj's
6 pm dinner time
6.30pm clean up time in bedroom while the 2 youngest are put to bed.
7.00pm - 7.30pm Jett & parent Time. Reading books, having some desert, talking about his ay..ect

And so far, its working really well!!

Throughout the day is still a jumble.. i sew when i can, i chuck a load of washing on when i remember. I do the mad dash on dishes , sweeping and toy collecting about 2pm.. So give it time and that will smooth out too. (According to Danielle..hehe)

My next step is to de-clutter and set sewing time. At the moment i am child free on Fridays. I dare say that will be my 'work' day. With a slight time allowance for my routine thrift shop run of a morning..

Initially i seperated Buttons Dior and Organised chaos. I was in the frame of mind that my 'buisness' should be keep professional and have nothing to do with what is actually happening when the machine is off. But thats not me. For to many years i hid away from showing the real me. Hiding behind designer wear and fake friends. Thats not me. Im a wife, a pretty shitty wife at time. Im a mum, i dont think you can screw that up to much as there were no tutorials to base it on before giving birth, and once your holding that tiny helpless being, you just become Mum..
Im a daughter that stands as a tower of strength to a mum and dad. And a sister who would move heaven and earth for 2 Men if they needed absolutely anything.

Im an unreliable friend who can be relied on in the most needed times. Im a facebook crazy with a daughter who makes me sigh and slap my forhead many times throughout the day yet keeps a smile on everyone face.
And i am a simple girl, trying everyday to overcome some demons paying awful mind games.

They go, when i am in front of my machine. When im sewing a line, hemming edges or cutting fabric, my worries are gone.

This is my life. This is how we live. And if your happy to tag along.. Then im happy to have 'ya!

x N

9 comments:

  1. Nic I wish you could see what I see in you. I know I don't physically see you (or haven't for a long time), but you're such a kind-hearted person & a wonderful mum. Those are things you just can't learn; that's part of you inside of who you are. The rest of it, making time, scheduling; it will come with time as you can arrange more things and when you see the benefit and you're in the right place to be able to do so! The qualities you have that you can't teach, they are what makes you different from the run-of-the-mill, unique in a very precious way and that's why I'm still around :) There are more of 'us' than you think and no matter what I'm always here on facebook to make a stupid comment, to hopefully make you laugh or smile just once in a while make a small difference xxoo

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  2. OMG about sums it up. This is the first time I have read your blog. Your first paragraph puts into words how I feel myself and so many times throughout your writing I feel as if you are writing about me. Your words flow beautifully and you are a very talented. When I met you I thought you were exactly what I would like to be, comfortable in their skin, full of confidence and flair. I am amazed that you feel as out of control and insecure as I do and thank you for your honesty. I too am trying to repair my shattered self, thank you for helping me find one of the pieces. xoxo

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  3. Nic, so much of what you have written resonates with me, I think we are alike in many many ways. There is so much I would love to talk with you about, and you are about the only reason I wish I was still on the GC. You don't see youself the way I see you at all, I admire you, you are my inspiration. I wish you were closer to us. <3 xxx

    ps - the market looks awesome

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  4. Congrats on combining Buttons & Organised Chaos! Like many mums you are so hard on yourself but you do a wonderful job and are a great friend. Looking forward to our next foodcourt playground catch up!

    Mel xx

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  5. Wowsers! Thank you all so much for your comments! I normally forget to check my comments thinking my blog probably hadnt been read..lol.. But god it feels good to know im not the only one!!

    xx

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  6. Lovely Nic - how I loved reading this post. It is so amazing when you are reading away and you feel like another person has taken your thoughts and put them on the screen in front of you.

    I think what I always want to hear from other Mum's who sew and try to manage their family/home is that it's okay, you're doing a good job and you are not alone.

    And so I say all of those things to you and bless the little cotton socks on that special boy of yours. xx

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  7. I think you are amazing! Thank you for sharing this.

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  8. I am so happy to have just discovered your blog! After my own questioning of the integration of my crafty world and my home world, it was so lovely to read your post and know I'm not the only one. Thankyou, you are awesome!
    Kathy

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  9. teena (aka starzdust)May 5, 2011 at 4:04 AM

    Nic , we have only been freinds over the net, but I have a great deal of love and friendship with you. I has been over the last 3years and in that time I have seen you blossom. The time you have with your kids is so precious and now that mine are older and leaving the nest really shows what a good job we do. My baby is 21 on Monday and is getting married in June next year and she is like your Miss 2 ( i would never swap the time we have had and sometimes I wish we can do it all again). My mind is mushy at the moment cause the man i married 26 years ago has had a nervous breakdown , suffering with post traumatic stress and depression, all caused by bulling. i too have been bullied all my life and this is a hard thing to cope with. Be strong and remember that life is hard and it always seems hard.That means you must be doing something right. I love you and need a friend like you. <3 Teena (aka starzdust)

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