Monday, March 29, 2010

Spreading the LOVE.

While pregnant with Master 4.5 i had no concerns as to how much i could possibly love a person. I was in a long term rocky relationship and all i focused on for 9 months was how much i was going to absorb this little person and invest all my love in to him.

When i gave birth to him, even tho my photos tell a different story, I instantly loved this tiny screaming scared little boy. I wanted to wrap him in his bunny rug and run far far away from everyone. I just wanted it to him ME and HIM.

Our hospital stay was longer then expected, but it gave us all the 'alone' time we wanted. I craved the 'mother no-visit' time.

It didn't bother me the slightest that i had to rock him to sleep, walk the hallway at un-godly hours or feed for hours on end while sitting on the lounge watching Big Brother Up late. I gave him my everything. There was nothing i wouldn't do for this child.

Master 4.5 and i then spent the next 2.5 years a duo. My best friend and i living life our way.

I met Mr 25 when 4.5 was just over 2 and a half.. 4.5's bio didn't have a steady relationship with him and Mr 25 took on the fathering roll. Teaching him how to use the toilet and parting with his dummy.

Me on the other hand, I had to learn to spread the love. I'd 'seen' other people before, but this was my first 'serious' relationship since 4.5's father.

I struggles for months. Trying to kick off a new relationship, while trying to make sure i didn't miss a minute of my baby boy growing up.

Ill admit, i found it very very hard to make it an even balance. At times i felt like i was passing 4.5 off to my parents to spend more time with Mr 25 or i was neglecting 25 to spend more quality time with 4.5 .. It wasn't easy.

I think we had mentioned once while having a general chat, that one day it would be nice to give 4.5 a sibling. And I'm 99.9% sure it was that night we conceived Miss .14

The memories of learning to spread my love around came flooding back. I felt like every time something new came in to my life, Master 4.5 to another step back. And that devastated me.

He was meant to be my #1. My everything. But now i had to not only share my everything, but i had to share myself.

I knew straight away that he was going to be an amazing brother. For some reason i knew he wouldn't be the jealous type or spiteful. And it shows how well i know my son, as there as never ever been a day where he has shown a nasty side to his sister. From the moment he met her he's loved her. He was 3.5 when i gave birth to her.

She had a very rough start to life which kept us in hospital for weeks. Again, more time away from 4.5 and him being passed around to anyone who had time on their hands. Something that i had no control over. But still, i spent many night in tears because i wasn't with him.

Master 4.5 was the first person to know i was expecting #3. I firstly asked him what he thought about having another brother or sister. And his response was 'Only if its like my sister'

About an hour later i put his hand on my stomach and told him there was a baby growing in there. We spent hours and hours that night talking about what the next 9 months was going to be like. He has followed our pregnancy step by step. From blood tests to ultrasounds. Its been an awesome age for him to understand it all.

I'm now 14 days from my expected due date. And the feelings have overcome me again.

Master 4.5 now attends Prep 5 days a week and is at his dads every other weekend, which doesn't leave a great deal of 'Mummy - Son" time.

Before he started prep every Monday when .14 was in day care we would have a day to ourselves. We would go road tripping, i would take him out for dinner, time zone, swimming. But lately things have changed. I'm tired, hes tired. Instead of late night swims and random trips to cold rock and crazy hours, we are laying in bed watching Home and Away. Which he now trades to go play in the lounge room with Mr 25. Were both moody and in probably less then 2 weeks there is going to be a brand new baby thrown in to the mix of things.

Everyone who knows 4.5, will tell you, He is extremely eager to meet this new addition.
I keep him up to date with my hospital appointments and he is always rubbing and kissing my bump. I just hope deep down he understands how much he is still my everything. As much as we argue like cat and dog, hes always going to mean the world to me.

I don't ever want to cuddles in bed to stop, i don't ever want him to lose his affectionate side, i want to hear 'I love you mum' for the rest of my life and the sound of him laughing with his sister until they are out of breath will always melt my heart.

Miss ,14 has very much turned in to a Daddy's girl. I think alot has to do with her being a boisterous little thing and Dad is able to rough around alot more with her then i can. But all in all, shes become very attached to Daddy.
As long as her slobbery kisses and hearty laughs don't stop, Ill know theres a soft spot in there for me.

Mr 25.. well i really feel for him. Ive lost all affection, it hurts to be touched, i groan every time i move, i whinge and my body is just so tired i end up in bed hours before he does.
I toss and turn all night and have no idea how he even functions at work if i wake him up every time i have to run to the toilet!

The only way i find i can show him I'm grateful is by keeping the house live able and making sure theres a great meal for him when he walks in the door. I think theres only been about 10 divided months in our whole relationship where i haven't been pregnant! I'm looking forward to having my body back and being able to attempt some 'Us' time again!

So for now, I will continue to spread my love the best i can. I know i have enough. I will stop worrying and enjoy more. Before i know it .14 will be starting Prep and there's is another 5 days less i get to see her grow up.

I wonder if every parent experiences this?

x N


  1. That was a beautiful post Nic and it makes me feel like a bad mother!! Lol. I'm a little bit the opposite with Kaleb, because he's such a high maintenance child, having ADHD and mild Autism, I couldn't wait for him to start school. He's full on from the time he wakes up until the time he closes his eyes to sleep, so him being at school meant I finally got some time to myself! We have an extremely close relationship though, I know him better than anyone ever will. I understand him and they way he is, we lay in bed chatting at odd hours of the night (usually when I wake up and find him in my bed!) and I'm constantly getting presents from him at the end of the weekend with his dad, because they've gone out and he's thought to get me something. I know I don't get as much time with him as I should, but I think it's more about the quality of the time you do spend with them rather than the quantity. Make memories in the time you do have and that's what will keep them happy as they grow up. And always, always tell them they are loved. xoxox You're doing great Nic, sharing with #3 here will be a breeze!

  2. Nic what a gorgeous post hun!! You bought tears to my eyes. I had so many of the same feelings!!(the two bigger boys are from my previous marriage) I had so many ups and downs when i was pregnant with J and then with M it wasnt funny. I was so very worried how i was going to spread the love to the next one. So much more I could say just don't know how to put it in words on here, plus its not my blog lol. I still enjoy hugs from my 'big' boys. Just enjoy the moments you have. :)

  3. All you need to know is that i think your amazing. I know we dont spend alot of time together and i know theres going to be alot of time until we get to having "US" time again. You are making beautiful kids with me and you are raising them while i earn the dough. Just remember, I went into this as a package and i love that package imensley. Even the extended edition which is soon to grow again. Your my number 1.

  4. That is beautiful. I am not a parent and I can't relate, I'm not going to lie and say I can but despite that this post really touched me. I just wanted to tell you how much I've been enjoying your blog :)